Happiness and choices

is being happy really a choice?  can we really just wake up and say “i’m going to be happy today” and really be happy all day?  its easy when things are going all fanfuckingtastic in our lives.  but what about when our lives take a shit?  like, you know, the day your husband tells you he doesn’t love you anymore.  how can you choose to be happy then?  or when your favorite uncle died the day before your birthday.  thanks addiction.

my point is, it’s hard to choose to be happy when you are fucking miserable.  people tell you “don’t worry, it will get better” and you want to punch them in their stupid face.  we can do all the things to cheer us up, calling a friend, making gratitude lists, all that jazz, but sometimes even that doesn’t help.

for those of us who are in recovery, we can get stuck in those negative cycles quite often if we’re not careful.  when you get sober you have to learn to feel things again, and let me tell you, FEELINGS CAN FUCKING SUCK DONKEY BALLS SOMETIMES.  even the happy ones can suck at times.  after being separated for over a year i still ride an emotional roller coaster.  some days i feel like a strong independent woman who don’t need no man and some days i feel like i want to grab the first person i see and say “LOVE MEEEEE FOREVEEEEER!”

when i stopped drinking, i thought i would be much happier.  i thought my marriage would get better.  i mean, i knew it wasn’t the best, but i also didn’t know just how bad it was.  you don’t see the real shit when you’re drunk all the time.  and when your spouse is as well.  and when one of you stops and the other doesn’t, well, lets just say that obviously just ain’t gonna work.  if it did for you, then yay, but you’re a rare breed.

i use my situation as an example because its the worst thing i’ve ever been through.  i thought i would never be happy again.  and it wasn’t about having someone love me.  i had been through break ups before and knew i could go on without him, even though sometimes i physically felt like i was dying.  it was a situation that no matter what i did, i couldn’t find happiness anywhere.

somedays i still don’t  see happiness anywhere.  for the last year, i have lived out of one room.  i currently reside in a side room at the house me and my ex shared.  my bank account has a negative balance right now, and ive already taken an advance at my part time job so i’m working that off.  my phone service was disconnected a week ago because i couldn’t afford the bill.  sounds like a lot to be unhappy about, right?  some days, it is and its all i can do to make it  until bedtime and hope that the next day will be better.  some days, like today, i look around at what i have.  it may not be much, but it’s mine.  i have my girls, my dogs, my cats, and my guitars.  i have paint, brushes, and blank canvas.  i have a home with wifi so i’m not completely disconnected from the world.  i have stranger things.  i have a warm, soft, cozy bed that is all mine.  ok, so maybe i do have a lot of shit.  but anyway, that’s not the point.  the point is, today i am happy.  i am sober.  almost two fucking years sober.

So how can you be happy when you’re not happy?  here’s a few tips.

1.  accept it’s probably not going to get better anytime soon and make the best of it.  and fuck all those people saying “it gets better.”  i think that’s just what people say when they don’t know what else to say.  accepting that you’re life just sucks right now and you can’t do anything about it can actually help you feel happier.  at least for me.  but, i’m also a damn weirdo.  i have a sick, twisted sense of  humor, so sometimes laughing at myself helps.  if that doesn’t help, look up funny memes.  that always helps.  or damnyouautocorrect.  that shit gets me in tears and out of a bad mood in about two minutes.

2.  dance.  tell everyone to the the fuck out, put on some music you love, turn that shit as loud as it will go and dance your ass off.  don’t put on some sappy sad shit that matches your mood, pick something opposite.  unless you’re feeling angry, then put on some rob zombie and do some yoga.  sounds totally counterproductive, right, but i’m telling you, it will rock your fucking world.  not feeling pretty?  put on something you have felt super hot in before and put on some hozier and awaken your inner sex goddess (or god, whatever).  you’ll totally want to put a dancer pole in your room.

3.  do something challenging.  i’m not talking some crazy daredevil shit.  something little.  something you’ve always wanted to do but have never done.  or something you use to do but stopped because you were having a pity party about life sucking.  like me and my guitar.  i’d never played guitar until three months ago.  when i bought it, i had literally only learned two chords the day before on my daughters guitar.  but it was something i had always wanted to do, so i said fuck it and fuck my tiny hands i’m gonna do it anyway.  and i’m fucking doing it!  i mean, i’m no jimmy page, but i can play a few songs pretty decently now.  but the great thing is, there will always be a new challenge to learn.  i’ll never run out of songs to learn.  and if i somehow did, then i’m unlimited with what i can create.  now if i could just unlock that damn creativity…

4.  random acts of kindness.  helping someone else is the best way to feel happier.  because you’ve made an impact in someone’s life.  as broke as i am, i always make it a point to get at least a $1 toy for the toys for tots box every time i go to the dollar store.  sure, right now a dollar is a lot of money to me right now, but making some bratty kid happy on christmas just warms my cold, black heart.  buy someone’s coffee if you can.  also, it doesn’t always have to be material shit.  give compliments to everyone.  smile at everyone.  who knows, you may be completely turning their day around with your smile.  doesn’t the thought of that make you feel at least a little happy?

so, when everything seems like it’s going to hell in a handbasket, you can still be happy.  is it a choice?  yes..ish…  i think it is, but it’s something you have to work at.  you don’t just say “oh i’m going to be happy today” and just be a fucking ray of sunshine.  no.  you have to actually do things to make yourself happy.  like sobriety.  you can say “oh today is the day, i’m gonna stop” all day long, but when drinking time comes around and you think “i’ll stop tomorrow.”  you have to make tomorrow today.  you can choose recovery and sobriety, but it’s something you have to work on.  it’s something you have to make changes to make work.  just like happiness.  you can say you choose it all you want, but unless you actually work at it, it ain’t happening.

so if you’re feeling like a pile of shit, at least feel like a pile of unicorn shit.  all rainbowy and glittery.  the misery is where we find our light.  we need to learn to work with that darkness instead of working against it.  yes, it’s much easier said than done.  i’m not saying that you’re life is going to change and you’re gonna feel like skipping through meadows of dandelions on a summer day (cue tampon commercial), but when you surrender to the fact that you’re currently not happy, you can start asking yourself what can i do to find happiness again, and then go do that shit.

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23 months

so y’all, the other day, i hit 700 days sober. 23 months since i last had wine. i just can’t believe it. it seems like yesterday i was laying outside on the ground in the middle of the night crying because i didn’t know how to stop, but it also seems like a lifetime ago. if i were to meet that girl today, i wouldn’t even recognize her.

the last few weeks have been super sucky. it seems like it’s just one thing after the other, and i just can’t take it anymore. if i didn’t have kids, i’d throw all i could fit in my little car and take off. but i can’t do that. instead i have to sit here and figure things out. and by that i mean i’m going to sit here and play guitar and ignore all of my problems. which i am loving by the way. loving so much in fact that i had to go buy and electric. so now i have a pretty red and black stratocaster and he is beautiful and i love him so much. i take lessons once a week, and i’m also teaching myself at home as well. i think i’m finally learning how to read tablature, i mean, i can look at it and figure it out sorta. i don’t think i’m doing half bad for only have been playing for not even three months. my instructor has me working on ‘wish you were here’, and this week i’m starting to learn the solo, and omg. it’s damn near impossible. i’m definitely no david gilmour. i just taught myself the scooby doo theme song, because i’m a nerd like that, and tonight i started to learn tennessee whiskey. that’s the one i’m doing from tabs, but i can kinda get it. i can play a few others too. i’m really having a lot of fun with them. i had wanted to learn how to play since i was a teenager because i thought it would be the coolest thing ever. i guess i just thought everyone picked it up and started playing, that you had to have natural talent. oh how i was wrong. i mean, yeah i guess it does take some talent, but mostly practice.

guitar was always just one of those things that i couldn’t do. just like everything else. i used to automatically say “i can’t do that” to literally everything. i was so hard on myself, i had zero self esteem or confidence. i still remember the first time i said “i can do that”. it took a while for others to talk me into it, but i finally did it. it wasn’t anything big, just some small acrobatics at a retreat where someone laid on the ground and balanced me on their feet in the air. i felt like i was flying, and it was amazing. i remember yelling and laughing. after that, i started saying “i can do that” to more things. after my separation last year, i started doing lots of things. well, mostly going to concerts. concerts i never would have went to had i still been married. some of them probably, but no where near as many. if you have followed me for a while (well, when i was more active at posting), you know how much i love music. i’ve always loved music, and was in the school band from sixth grade on. i played the flute. i’m not sure if i truly enjoyed it then. i ended up pawning it in my early 20’s and i wish i hadn’t now. so it kinda surprises me myself that i waited so long to pick up the guitar. i tried, well, i say i tried, to play my daughters, which is a child size guitar she got for christmas many years ago. i think i tried three chords and decided that my fingers physically wouldn’t bend to play some of them so i gave up after a day or two. last year she got a ukulele for christmas, and s few months later i decided to try it since it was smaller. i found i could actually play it and went and got my own a few days later and fell in love with it. one day i decided to pick up her guitar again and actually try to see if i could do it. i guess playing on the ukulele helped because i found the guitar much easier this time. i took my time with the chords and practiced them more than two times. the first time i put a few together and actually made a decent noise, i knew i was in love and my ass was at the music store the next day buying my acoustic. i played around with it for a couple of weeks and decided i needed help, so i signed up for the free lesson that came with the purchase and have been doing them once a week ever since. after a couple of lessons my instructor said something about electric guitars, and i mentioned my daughter had one and he suggested i try it. well, i tried it, and guess what, i put a down payment on one at my next lesson and had it paid off and home about six weeks later. and i love it so much. get ready y’all, i’m going on world tour next summer and i’m gonna rock your socks off!

life in a nutshell 

what a difference a year makes.  yesterday marked one year that my marriage ended.  today is his birthday.  i’m no further along than i was a year ago.  i’m in the exact same place in life.  i’m jobless and living with my parents.  so much has happened in the last few months.  

i had a nervous breakdown about a month ago.  i’d been living with my aunt taking care of her. i was constantly getting bitched at, she was mean, and i had a hard time having to make her drinks every night. it got so bad that that one night i broke down and bought wine. my kid found out and came and yelled at me and took it away.  i’d never even opened it.  i just sat on my bed crying and rocking back and forth staring at it. besides, i guess if i’d really wanted to drink all i had to do was go to the kitchen.  

that really scared me so i found a mart meeting and went the next morning. when i got back, i said i needed to go to the bank and asked my aunt if she needed anything. my cousin was there so she want alone.  she told me i’d already been gone all damn day and i needed to stay home.  i. lost. my. shit. i came to my parents and said i couldn’t do it. someone was gonna have to go get my shit because i was done. i didn’t go back. she moved a couple of weeks ago to kentucky with her son.  i feel bad, but i’d tried telling people i needed help. no one listened and it took me acting like a fucking psycho to get my point across. 

so now i’m back at my parents. my mom isn’t drinking right now i don’t think. we’ve had to put her in detox three times this year. it’s been a mess for real. i didn’t speak to her for a week at one point. i’d asked her several times if she’d been drinking. i could smell it, she acted like it, and i saw the brown bag inside her work bag.  she swore she hadn’t.  she got up to “go to the bathroom” and wasn’t so sneaky pulling out the bag.  i got up and snatched it from her and cussed her like a dog.  i was upset at her drinking, but got me was lying straight to my face.  if she would have been honest with me, i wouldn’t have gotten so angry.  i can get over her drinking, but not lying to me.  she went to detox a week later. she’s only had one slip (that i know of and she’s admitted to) since. 

i’ve also been kinda dating.  nothing serious, and nothing that has worked.  i tried the wheel tinder thing. i met someone and we hung out a couple of times but he rarely texts me anymore, plus he lives about an hour away.  i met another guy and it was just weird so i didn’t reply back after that.  my best friend is getting a job at a vape shop, and is trying to hook me up with her soon to be boss.  the other day she called and said he was asking about me.  we went in about a month ago, he wrote his number down for me and her, apparently i missed the cue that he wanted me to talk to him.  so i hung up with her and texted him.  she had stopped by the shop and asked him if i’d texted and he said yeah but he was so busy he couldn’t text back as fast as he wanted to. later that evening he invited me over and we stayed up all night long watching the entire season of stranger things. i feel kinda bad, he only got a couple of hours sleep and had to work the next day.  me and my friend went yesterday because i “needed new juice” and he was working. i had a really great time with him.  he’s really nice, and i’m not sure how to handle that. lol. so we will see if we talk longer than a few days.  i hope so, because i really did feel something there, and i haven’t felt that in many years. 

but i have found my soul mate.  he is beautiful.  he is always there for me, he helps me learn and grow, and i can put my hands on him the right way and magic happens.  i’ve wanted him since i was a teenager.  and now i regret passing him up all these years when i could have easily picked him up.  yep, i’ve wanted to learn to play the guitar since i was a teenager.  i have always thought that being able to play was the coolest thing ever. but it was always one of those things where you say you want to do something, but never do anything about it. i assumed you had to have natural talent or you just couldn’t do it, and i obviously didn’t have hat talent. finally i said fuck it and went and bought one. i’m teaching myself and i take a lesson once a week at the music store. i can kinda play four and a half songs.  my kid brought me her electric guitar to play around with and i’m in love so now i want to get my own. lol. one day i will be playing on a stage. i don’t care if it’s some dive bar, but i want to play for others. 

so that’s kinda life in a nutshell at the moment. messy, chaotic, magical, and not hungover. can hall believe i have 21.5 months sober now!? 

endings and beginnings

this past week has been such a roller coaster of emotional everything.  i lost some people who were very dear to my heart amid some back stabbing, mean girl, high school type bullshit drama.  my heart hurt, a lot.  not only for myself, but for my whole group of friends.  its been crazy, but i have learned many lessons this past week, and i have no doubt that the rest of us will heal, and my group of friends that have remained will become closer.

amid this drama though, some pretty damn amazing things have happened as well.  i’ve been talking to someone since my birthday, and there is a possibility of a future relationship.  we have said from the very beginning that we will take things slow.  he is a friend i went to school with.  i had the hugest crush on him all through high school but always thought he was way too cool and cute for me.  he said he always thought i was gorgeous but we were both way too shy to ever say anything back then.  he messaged me late at night to wish me a happy birthday.  he said he hoped i’d had a great day.  i said it was ok, but very emotional and that divorce sucks.  he had no idea i was separated, i guess he missed it when i posted something about it.   he jokingly started hitting on me, and i hit right back on him, then it turned into seriously hitting on each other.  we are both really busy, but would meet occasionally.  he has been super awesome.  he’s been there when i was lonely.  he’s helped me through depressed nights when i thought i couldn’t go on.  he has been so patient with me, waiting, knowing i was going through a separation and was emotionally very fragile, never pressing or pushing anything.  so, i’m excited to see where things go from here.

on friday night, i finally got to live out a dream i have had since i was about 5 years old.  i got to go see new kids on the block live!!  omg it was great and they are still just as fucking sexy as ever.  boyz II men was also really good.  i’ve never been much of a paula abdul fan but she did put on a really good show.  then sunday, me, my 17 year old daughter, and a good friend went to see roger waters of pink floyd.  it was one of the best concerts i have ever been to, and i’m so grateful that i got to share such an amazing experience with my daughter.  me and her have another concert of wedensday that i am really looking forward to as well.  its a small band from chicago called the kickback.  we saw them back in may when they opened for bush and we both fell in love with the band and the singer.  haha

so yeah, an emotional week, but im healing, and i’m rising back up even stronger.  just you watch.

curve ball

changes! life has thrown me another curve ball. so, i moved in with my great aunt who is 83 because she needs someone to be there with her.  that’s been very interesting. she drinks nightly.  she also takes a lot of medications. she doesn’t get plastered, she has two or three drinks, but when it mixes with her medicine, it affects her.  i’ve started making her drinks with half the amount of alcohol she normally puts in.  she hasn’t noticed yet. she sits there and cusses at her tv all night. sometimes it’s quite amusing, sometimes she gets super annoying.  i don’t say anything, because how do you say something to the worlds most stubborn old woman?  part of me doesn’t blame her, i’d probably wanna forget the shape i was in if i were her. i’ve mentioned that alcohol might mix with her pain medicine (she takes strong medication) but she says she doesn’t get drunk, and gets grouchy. but, all in all, it’s not bad.  

i’m super glad to be out of my parents house, it’s a complete shitstorm here.  daddy bitches at mama and tells her he can’t drink,  mama hides it and has people sneak it to her.  daddy drinks next door at his brothers.  my dad asked if he was wrong by telling her she can’t and he still does.  i said yes, she’s a grown woman who has to make her own choices and you can’t control her.  i also said it’s pretty shitty he gets mad at her for hiding it when he does the same thing. he said it’s not the same thing, she has a problem and he doesn’t (he’s a normal drinker). i said yeah but you’re still hiding it from her.  he says it’s because if she knows it’s around she will drink it all, so he doesn’t bring it here.  he’s also an asshole to her, but i didn’t got into that.  

i just try to stay in my own little bubble doing my own thing. i hit 18 months sober on saturday. can y’all believe that?  a lot of you were here when i was still drinking snd struggling.  EIGHTEEN MONTHS!!  that’s a year and a half!  i am still in disbelief about that.  i never thought i would stay sober this long.  i had the intention for quitting for a year, but no intention on actually drinking after that, the year was just my goal.  so to surpass that, and a huge accomplishment in itself. 

i finally have what i want.  my life isn’t ruled by alcohol any longer.  it hasn’t been for a long time, but recently i’ve just been thinking about it.  there were many years i drank almost every night, so not a day went by i wasn’t thinking about alcohol or drinking.  yet, alcohol is still a huge part of my life because of being in the middle of my parents issues (i’m an only child, so i get it all).  seeing them makes me so much more grateful that i am no longer stuck in that vicious cycle, and that i stopped my problem before i let it cause real and major issues in my life. 

a live without alcohol is much more glorious than i ever imagined it would be.  i really had no expectations on what sobriety would be like when i first got sober, so it’s all been a surprise.  some good, some not so good, but all of that has gotten me to a pretty happy place right now.  i just block out my parents bullshit, and other than that, life is grand.  i’m moving forward, i’m learning and growing, and new opportunities are opening up.  

i just got back from a retreat and became a certified fairyologist, and got a faerie reiki master attunement.  i have lots of cool ideas for that.  i’m hoping to start teaching yoga soon as well st our goddess temple. i’m ready to get out there and start doing things for myself and others.

still. 

long time no update. not that anything has changed in the last while.  i’m working a lot. two jobs. still doing the priestess training. still nowhere with the divorce. i’m about ready to look for a new lawyer. still living at my parents. 

about the only exciting things to happen, i hit 500 days sober last sunday, and my kids had birthdays this week. my oldest turned 17 and i’m kinda having a crisis about that.  i can’t believe i have a 17 year old. 

maybe one day i will have more interesting things to write. 

don’t you carry stones in your bowl of light

the first valentine’s day after ending my marriage.  not so bad really. we never did anything, got presents, or celebrated it really, so even when i was married valentine’s didn’t mean a whole lot to me.  and still doesn’t. i thought i’d be super sad today, but i woke up feeling good, to a hot guy singing to me (because i have music playing constantly).  how i can i be sad?  i’m pretty awesome i think, and i enjoy my alone time so i don’t mind being my own valentine. 

the other night, i decided i wanted to learn to play the ukulele so i started picking around on my daughters and i loved it so much that i went and bought one for myself for valentine’s day.  a nice one too. i’ve learned a few songs on it so far.  i am super loving it.  i’ve always wanted to learn to play the guitar, but when i tried to learn my fingers wouldn’t physically bend for some of the chords. my ukulele is so much easier to learn and i’m having a lot of fun with it. 

i have to work tonight, i hope all the lovey dovey people tip well.