too much rambling for you to actually read

i’m not sure if my bitterness comes from them and how i was treated, or at myself for allowing it to happen and continue. either way, part of me is totally okay with it, but the other part of me is bitter and wishes she had no conscious. totally fucked up thinking and i completely realize it. but, it’s how i feel. and if i hide or deny these feelings, they will keep eating at me and lead me down that damn spiral again. i’m teetering in the edge as it is, i don’t need to go any further. so instead of spreading negativity and anger, i am going to let this post marinate in drafts for a while. as long as its outside of me at the moment. perhaps one day i’ll be able to let go.

this is the last paragraph of a huge post i just finished. i needed to write, but i really didn’t have a topic (do i ever really?). the first paragraph was normal, but after that it turned into a huge bitchfest over losing my job. from what i have learned in aa, that can lead to a resentment, which isn’t good for someone with an alcoholic mind.

but wait, there’s more! let’s throw in a heaping scoop of bipolar to make even more fun! i don’t know if my three readers have any experience with bipolar, just let me tell you it makes life…interesting to say the least. sometimes, you do these wonderful things while you’re manic that you don’t even remember! like get into a fender bender in town, cuss out the people and the police, thank goddess my daughter was driving through town and saw me and picked me up and brought me home. i had no idea until the next day when my friend called asking if i wanted to go pick up my car. oops.

by the way, that was my absolute lowest point. and i was just over two years sober. a couple of days later i went to the doctor and got on medication. it worked wonders except for the fact it made me sleep for literally 15-16 hours a day. a couple of weeks later i started said job i just had a bitch fit about. i had a pretty cool guy in my life, except for the fact he lived 650 miles away and didn’t want to make a commitment because of distance, and those had worked wonders for my mental health. i stopped the medication about two months later. i was going to visit my guy and had ran out of medicine and didn’t have time to get refills so i figured i would when i got back. since the medicine made me so tired it was hard to get through work. i felt okay and tried going without it. that was exactly a year ago. i know because memories of my trip to michigan showed up on my snapchat the other day.

this is the lowest i’ve been in a year. my mom almost died from drinking back in october. she’s doing okay at the moment, but she still struggles. i rarely get to see my husband, we haven’t really had any time alone to ourselves since the end of january, when i went down on our anniversary weekend. i lost my job. honestly, with everything that stresses me out, i’m not anywhere near as bad as i could easily let myself get to right now. i have tried my hardest to stay positive. after all, i did manifest what i asked for. i did want to quit, but i wanted to have an actual plan first. so i’m taking this opportunity to take advantage of things i can.

i want to be a life coach of some sort. there are lots of ways to make money online. i have a friend who is a certified coach who will do my training and certification. all i need is a computer and a bank account. two simple things most normal adults have. well, i have either. we have several laptops actually, but none of them function properly for running a business or using skype. one of them the mouse will decide randomly to go haywire and open and close and click things all over the screen. i cannot be in the middle of an important call and have that happen. and yeah, i am almost 40 years old and i do not have a bank account. i have never had a credit card. i have no income to even open and put money into any kind of account. i have cashapp for my husband to send money and that’s it. it’s like these two things that are so simple to most people, are huge blocks in my life that hold me back.

i am glad mercury is finally direct again. though this retrograde has actually been pretty inspiring and motivating for me, i am ready to figure out a way to move forward. me, the girls, and two of the dogs are leaving either tomorrow or saturday to spend spring break next week in florida. i am hoping time away from sitting in this house can help me get a fresh perspective. after being holed up in my bedroom for over a week, goddess knows i need it. i went to a meeting tuesday, i hadn’t been since last tuesday. my daughter and i also went to our ostara ritual sunday. ever since the breakdown of the coven, we’ve kept the circle small. there are five of us who meet. two of us are me and my kid. we will continue to keep the coven and ritual a small circle, but we are building up our goddess temple. we have our building in place, and a deck built on thanks to a generous donation. we have a fundraiser going on facebook because we have a ton of work to do. it is basically an empty shell. we hope to have it done by fall to host our first retreat. i am super excited about all that.

i go back and forth sitting here, dwelling on the good things and feeling inspired, then on the negative things and feel defeated. bipolar is so fun y’all. the emotional roller coaster really is a thrill.

i want to write a book, so last night while working on things i was thumbing through books i have and i found this. i don’t remember what it was for r why i wrote it, or when i wrote it. i don’t remember it at all. but it was the perfect thing i needed at this time.

today i forced myself to get out of the house other than to find food. i decided to take my girls and my dog to the creek. two of the dogs are going to florida with us, and i wanted to see how she would do around water. we’ve always wanted a water dog and none of the ones we have had liked water. oh lilith had so much fun y’all!! she wanted to get in on her own but was iffy. she had no problem going in with me though. we hiked a bit, and she scaled the side of the mountain and even jumped from one rock across the water to a rock my daughter was on. she did great and i can’t wait to see how she does at the beach. none of our dogs have ever been lap dogs either until her. i basically kept her up my ass when she was a puppy hoping she would be. i got her when i was separated and living back here in the side area of the house. she was the only friend i really had until the husband and i got back together, i even took her to work with me, so we were literally never apart. she even slept beside me in the bed on her own pillow just as if she were my human child. spoiled to say the least.

today was a good day for my mental health. i wish i had went to more meetings and reached out. i do have a sponsor but i suck at using her. i am so awful about reaching out. i don’t know why, because i know i would never hesitate to be there for someone in need and i make sure people know that, yet i don’t take my own advice. i know I’m not a burden or spreading negativity and that’s what my aa people are there for, but i just don’t use them. i know i need to. i have been in the program for 6 months now, and have had a sponsor for 5 of those. we have only met once, because i don’t reach out. i need to find a way to overcome this and deal with my shit.

i’m glad i stumbled back upon this blog. i can’t believe i forgot all about it. i love having this outlet. i can get stuff out of my head, and i can go back and see growth and progress i have made. i know i write super long posts with no topics that go in totally random directions and am not all fancy and pretty like most bloggers out there. i don’t know how to properly blog, i know nothing of english or how to properly write anything. while working on my book the other night, i got stuck and people started talking about outlines and rough drafts and editing and shit. i thought you just sat down and wrote from beginning to end. then you get it published if you want. so i may have to scrap that idea because that is way above my comprehension. i literally know nothing other than how to this blog other than a place to collect my thoughts. a journal sort of. i have no idea if anyone actually reads these long ass random things i spew. i write for me and my sanity. when i wasn’t writing here, i was writing in google docs. but i would love to reach more people, maybe someone out there can benefit from my fucked upness. but i don’t know how to do any of that kind of stuff. I can barely send a text and use facebook. even this free wordpress blog is almost too complicated for me. so journal it is for now.

it’s 4 am, my sleep is all messed up. between this post and the one i didn’t post, i have been writing fo four hours. my hand has a bruise from the binder i have my ipad and hands resting on. i need sleep, but the little kid gets up in two hours for school, and lately if i do sleep at night, i sleep through alarms. i have four set on my phone, loudest noise as loud as it goes. i have problems with the clock app freezing so my alarms will stop and i really don’t wake up. so i bought a real alarm clock. the package said loud beeping. i have it across the room so i have to get out of bed to hit snooze or turn it off. i keep my phone where i have to get out of bed to turn those alarms off as well. i get up and hit snooze without realizing it. every nine minutes. it gets to the point where i sleep through it, it doesn’t wake me up. my oldest will come in yelling at me to turn it off because it wakes HER up. my husband facetimes the kid before school, and if we don’t answer he calls the big kid to wake me up. it’s bad y’all.

now that i’m not working, my sleep cycle has gone crazy. i go to sleep at about 8 am or so, sometimes 9 or 10. and sleep until about 2 or 2:30. yesterday i forced myself to get out of bed at 12:30, after only sleeping about two and a half hours. i thought surely i would be tired enough to go to sleep by 11 or so. i was exhausted and nodded off for a minute. exhausted as i am, it’s 4:14 and i am still awake. i am gonna shut up and call it a post. kudos and apologies if anyone made it all the way to the end.

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just nod if you can hear me, is there anyone at home?

wow you guys. i totally forgot that i has this blog, it’s been well over a year since i last posted. life has so totally changed in many ways since december 2017. at this time one year ago, i was in michigan seeing a special guy friend. it was a much needed long weekend from the full time job i had gotten at a mushroom farm. things were going pretty well in my life. i was on decent terms with the soon to be ex husband, i had a guy in my life who couldn’t make a commitment due to distance but i still enjoyed talking to him and the trips i took to visit. i had a job i enjoyed, even though i was making very little money and paid under the table. but, it worked miracles for the downward spiral i was in when i first got the job.

a could of days after i returned home from my trip, i was having a conversation with the ex. we had been on good terms, friendly and actually talking a bit here and there. he admitted to me that he removed me as a friend from facebook, that he was happy i had found someone that made me happy, but he couldn’t bear to see me moving on. that he’d realized he had made a huge mistake by letting me go. two days later, i drive to florida to meet him. that was the first time we’d talked, other than hello in passing, in years. it was nice to communicate like that with him. ironically, we decided to give our marriage another try on april fools day of all days!

just a few days shy of one year later, we are doing as well as we can be living in separate states. he work in florida, he has since before we got back together. he has tried to move back here to georgia but there is just no money here for him to make. it’s absolutely booming where he is in florida. we are trying to come up with a plan of some sort because the distance thing is killing us all.

i worked full time and more at a mushroom farm for 13 months. when i started the job last january, i had just been diagnosed with bipolar and in the middle of a downward spiral. it gave me something to look forward to and put a little money in my pockets. at first i was working up to 16 hour days just to avoid being home when the husband was here since he was still the ex at the time. it became more than i could deal with. i worked outside and it was cold and miserable. if i only worked 40 hours a week, i made a dollar less than minimum wage. i never got a raise, just a flat $250 a week under the table no matter how much i worked.

we went on family vacation to the UK in february, which was amazing omggggg. when i got back, i was basically told i was being replaced by the guy brought in to help the farm while i was gone, because he is stronger and can do more things that i can’t do. but, after they’d given me shit the day before, i had already decided i wasn’t going back. my friends and husband told me for months that they were taking advantage of me, but it took me longer to see it.

i relapsed for a few months last summer. i made it to two and a half years, and it was a very planned and calculated choice on my part. it only took a few months before i could see it becoming a problem. i could also tell a HUGE difference in my bipolar symptoms. i was headed down a baaaaaad spiral. so one day at work, i was feeling kinda crappy and decided i’d had enough. i googled up the closest recovery meeting near me. there was an aa meeting that night so I decided to go. i had attended SMART recovery meetings a long time before, but they were almost an hour away at impossible times.

aa has been so helpful for me. i never realized just how much i needed fellowship with other sober people. before, i was the only sober person in my life. i had friends who were sober but they all lived in facebook. having that support network has been the best thing to happen to my recovery. it’s been just over six months since that day i walked into a meeting and i have not drank since.

i’m back, i’m ready for something big, and i’m not stopping until i get there.

Happiness and choices

is being happy really a choice?  can we really just wake up and say “i’m going to be happy today” and really be happy all day?  its easy when things are going all fanfuckingtastic in our lives.  but what about when our lives take a shit?  like, you know, the day your husband tells you he doesn’t love you anymore.  how can you choose to be happy then?  or when your favorite uncle died the day before your birthday.  thanks addiction.

my point is, it’s hard to choose to be happy when you are fucking miserable.  people tell you “don’t worry, it will get better” and you want to punch them in their stupid face.  we can do all the things to cheer us up, calling a friend, making gratitude lists, all that jazz, but sometimes even that doesn’t help.

for those of us who are in recovery, we can get stuck in those negative cycles quite often if we’re not careful.  when you get sober you have to learn to feel things again, and let me tell you, FEELINGS CAN FUCKING SUCK DONKEY BALLS SOMETIMES.  even the happy ones can suck at times.  after being separated for over a year i still ride an emotional roller coaster.  some days i feel like a strong independent woman who don’t need no man and some days i feel like i want to grab the first person i see and say “LOVE MEEEEE FOREVEEEEER!”

when i stopped drinking, i thought i would be much happier.  i thought my marriage would get better.  i mean, i knew it wasn’t the best, but i also didn’t know just how bad it was.  you don’t see the real shit when you’re drunk all the time.  and when your spouse is as well.  and when one of you stops and the other doesn’t, well, lets just say that obviously just ain’t gonna work.  if it did for you, then yay, but you’re a rare breed.

i use my situation as an example because its the worst thing i’ve ever been through.  i thought i would never be happy again.  and it wasn’t about having someone love me.  i had been through break ups before and knew i could go on without him, even though sometimes i physically felt like i was dying.  it was a situation that no matter what i did, i couldn’t find happiness anywhere.

somedays i still don’t  see happiness anywhere.  for the last year, i have lived out of one room.  i currently reside in a side room at the house me and my ex shared.  my bank account has a negative balance right now, and ive already taken an advance at my part time job so i’m working that off.  my phone service was disconnected a week ago because i couldn’t afford the bill.  sounds like a lot to be unhappy about, right?  some days, it is and its all i can do to make it  until bedtime and hope that the next day will be better.  some days, like today, i look around at what i have.  it may not be much, but it’s mine.  i have my girls, my dogs, my cats, and my guitars.  i have paint, brushes, and blank canvas.  i have a home with wifi so i’m not completely disconnected from the world.  i have stranger things.  i have a warm, soft, cozy bed that is all mine.  ok, so maybe i do have a lot of shit.  but anyway, that’s not the point.  the point is, today i am happy.  i am sober.  almost two fucking years sober.

So how can you be happy when you’re not happy?  here’s a few tips.

1.  accept it’s probably not going to get better anytime soon and make the best of it.  and fuck all those people saying “it gets better.”  i think that’s just what people say when they don’t know what else to say.  accepting that you’re life just sucks right now and you can’t do anything about it can actually help you feel happier.  at least for me.  but, i’m also a damn weirdo.  i have a sick, twisted sense of  humor, so sometimes laughing at myself helps.  if that doesn’t help, look up funny memes.  that always helps.  or damnyouautocorrect.  that shit gets me in tears and out of a bad mood in about two minutes.

2.  dance.  tell everyone to the the fuck out, put on some music you love, turn that shit as loud as it will go and dance your ass off.  don’t put on some sappy sad shit that matches your mood, pick something opposite.  unless you’re feeling angry, then put on some rob zombie and do some yoga.  sounds totally counterproductive, right, but i’m telling you, it will rock your fucking world.  not feeling pretty?  put on something you have felt super hot in before and put on some hozier and awaken your inner sex goddess (or god, whatever).  you’ll totally want to put a dancer pole in your room.

3.  do something challenging.  i’m not talking some crazy daredevil shit.  something little.  something you’ve always wanted to do but have never done.  or something you use to do but stopped because you were having a pity party about life sucking.  like me and my guitar.  i’d never played guitar until three months ago.  when i bought it, i had literally only learned two chords the day before on my daughters guitar.  but it was something i had always wanted to do, so i said fuck it and fuck my tiny hands i’m gonna do it anyway.  and i’m fucking doing it!  i mean, i’m no jimmy page, but i can play a few songs pretty decently now.  but the great thing is, there will always be a new challenge to learn.  i’ll never run out of songs to learn.  and if i somehow did, then i’m unlimited with what i can create.  now if i could just unlock that damn creativity…

4.  random acts of kindness.  helping someone else is the best way to feel happier.  because you’ve made an impact in someone’s life.  as broke as i am, i always make it a point to get at least a $1 toy for the toys for tots box every time i go to the dollar store.  sure, right now a dollar is a lot of money to me right now, but making some bratty kid happy on christmas just warms my cold, black heart.  buy someone’s coffee if you can.  also, it doesn’t always have to be material shit.  give compliments to everyone.  smile at everyone.  who knows, you may be completely turning their day around with your smile.  doesn’t the thought of that make you feel at least a little happy?

so, when everything seems like it’s going to hell in a handbasket, you can still be happy.  is it a choice?  yes..ish…  i think it is, but it’s something you have to work at.  you don’t just say “oh i’m going to be happy today” and just be a fucking ray of sunshine.  no.  you have to actually do things to make yourself happy.  like sobriety.  you can say “oh today is the day, i’m gonna stop” all day long, but when drinking time comes around and you think “i’ll stop tomorrow.”  you have to make tomorrow today.  you can choose recovery and sobriety, but it’s something you have to work on.  it’s something you have to make changes to make work.  just like happiness.  you can say you choose it all you want, but unless you actually work at it, it ain’t happening.

so if you’re feeling like a pile of shit, at least feel like a pile of unicorn shit.  all rainbowy and glittery.  the misery is where we find our light.  we need to learn to work with that darkness instead of working against it.  yes, it’s much easier said than done.  i’m not saying that you’re life is going to change and you’re gonna feel like skipping through meadows of dandelions on a summer day (cue tampon commercial), but when you surrender to the fact that you’re currently not happy, you can start asking yourself what can i do to find happiness again, and then go do that shit.

23 months

so y’all, the other day, i hit 700 days sober. 23 months since i last had wine. i just can’t believe it. it seems like yesterday i was laying outside on the ground in the middle of the night crying because i didn’t know how to stop, but it also seems like a lifetime ago. if i were to meet that girl today, i wouldn’t even recognize her.

the last few weeks have been super sucky. it seems like it’s just one thing after the other, and i just can’t take it anymore. if i didn’t have kids, i’d throw all i could fit in my little car and take off. but i can’t do that. instead i have to sit here and figure things out. and by that i mean i’m going to sit here and play guitar and ignore all of my problems. which i am loving by the way. loving so much in fact that i had to go buy and electric. so now i have a pretty red and black stratocaster and he is beautiful and i love him so much. i take lessons once a week, and i’m also teaching myself at home as well. i think i’m finally learning how to read tablature, i mean, i can look at it and figure it out sorta. i don’t think i’m doing half bad for only have been playing for not even three months. my instructor has me working on ‘wish you were here’, and this week i’m starting to learn the solo, and omg. it’s damn near impossible. i’m definitely no david gilmour. i just taught myself the scooby doo theme song, because i’m a nerd like that, and tonight i started to learn tennessee whiskey. that’s the one i’m doing from tabs, but i can kinda get it. i can play a few others too. i’m really having a lot of fun with them. i had wanted to learn how to play since i was a teenager because i thought it would be the coolest thing ever. i guess i just thought everyone picked it up and started playing, that you had to have natural talent. oh how i was wrong. i mean, yeah i guess it does take some talent, but mostly practice.

guitar was always just one of those things that i couldn’t do. just like everything else. i used to automatically say “i can’t do that” to literally everything. i was so hard on myself, i had zero self esteem or confidence. i still remember the first time i said “i can do that”. it took a while for others to talk me into it, but i finally did it. it wasn’t anything big, just some small acrobatics at a retreat where someone laid on the ground and balanced me on their feet in the air. i felt like i was flying, and it was amazing. i remember yelling and laughing. after that, i started saying “i can do that” to more things. after my separation last year, i started doing lots of things. well, mostly going to concerts. concerts i never would have went to had i still been married. some of them probably, but no where near as many. if you have followed me for a while (well, when i was more active at posting), you know how much i love music. i’ve always loved music, and was in the school band from sixth grade on. i played the flute. i’m not sure if i truly enjoyed it then. i ended up pawning it in my early 20’s and i wish i hadn’t now. so it kinda surprises me myself that i waited so long to pick up the guitar. i tried, well, i say i tried, to play my daughters, which is a child size guitar she got for christmas many years ago. i think i tried three chords and decided that my fingers physically wouldn’t bend to play some of them so i gave up after a day or two. last year she got a ukulele for christmas, and s few months later i decided to try it since it was smaller. i found i could actually play it and went and got my own a few days later and fell in love with it. one day i decided to pick up her guitar again and actually try to see if i could do it. i guess playing on the ukulele helped because i found the guitar much easier this time. i took my time with the chords and practiced them more than two times. the first time i put a few together and actually made a decent noise, i knew i was in love and my ass was at the music store the next day buying my acoustic. i played around with it for a couple of weeks and decided i needed help, so i signed up for the free lesson that came with the purchase and have been doing them once a week ever since. after a couple of lessons my instructor said something about electric guitars, and i mentioned my daughter had one and he suggested i try it. well, i tried it, and guess what, i put a down payment on one at my next lesson and had it paid off and home about six weeks later. and i love it so much. get ready y’all, i’m going on world tour next summer and i’m gonna rock your socks off!

life in a nutshell 

what a difference a year makes.  yesterday marked one year that my marriage ended.  today is his birthday.  i’m no further along than i was a year ago.  i’m in the exact same place in life.  i’m jobless and living with my parents.  so much has happened in the last few months.  

i had a nervous breakdown about a month ago.  i’d been living with my aunt taking care of her. i was constantly getting bitched at, she was mean, and i had a hard time having to make her drinks every night. it got so bad that that one night i broke down and bought wine. my kid found out and came and yelled at me and took it away.  i’d never even opened it.  i just sat on my bed crying and rocking back and forth staring at it. besides, i guess if i’d really wanted to drink all i had to do was go to the kitchen.  

that really scared me so i found a mart meeting and went the next morning. when i got back, i said i needed to go to the bank and asked my aunt if she needed anything. my cousin was there so she want alone.  she told me i’d already been gone all damn day and i needed to stay home.  i. lost. my. shit. i came to my parents and said i couldn’t do it. someone was gonna have to go get my shit because i was done. i didn’t go back. she moved a couple of weeks ago to kentucky with her son.  i feel bad, but i’d tried telling people i needed help. no one listened and it took me acting like a fucking psycho to get my point across. 

so now i’m back at my parents. my mom isn’t drinking right now i don’t think. we’ve had to put her in detox three times this year. it’s been a mess for real. i didn’t speak to her for a week at one point. i’d asked her several times if she’d been drinking. i could smell it, she acted like it, and i saw the brown bag inside her work bag.  she swore she hadn’t.  she got up to “go to the bathroom” and wasn’t so sneaky pulling out the bag.  i got up and snatched it from her and cussed her like a dog.  i was upset at her drinking, but got me was lying straight to my face.  if she would have been honest with me, i wouldn’t have gotten so angry.  i can get over her drinking, but not lying to me.  she went to detox a week later. she’s only had one slip (that i know of and she’s admitted to) since. 

i’ve also been kinda dating.  nothing serious, and nothing that has worked.  i tried the wheel tinder thing. i met someone and we hung out a couple of times but he rarely texts me anymore, plus he lives about an hour away.  i met another guy and it was just weird so i didn’t reply back after that.  my best friend is getting a job at a vape shop, and is trying to hook me up with her soon to be boss.  the other day she called and said he was asking about me.  we went in about a month ago, he wrote his number down for me and her, apparently i missed the cue that he wanted me to talk to him.  so i hung up with her and texted him.  she had stopped by the shop and asked him if i’d texted and he said yeah but he was so busy he couldn’t text back as fast as he wanted to. later that evening he invited me over and we stayed up all night long watching the entire season of stranger things. i feel kinda bad, he only got a couple of hours sleep and had to work the next day.  me and my friend went yesterday because i “needed new juice” and he was working. i had a really great time with him.  he’s really nice, and i’m not sure how to handle that. lol. so we will see if we talk longer than a few days.  i hope so, because i really did feel something there, and i haven’t felt that in many years. 

but i have found my soul mate.  he is beautiful.  he is always there for me, he helps me learn and grow, and i can put my hands on him the right way and magic happens.  i’ve wanted him since i was a teenager.  and now i regret passing him up all these years when i could have easily picked him up.  yep, i’ve wanted to learn to play the guitar since i was a teenager.  i have always thought that being able to play was the coolest thing ever. but it was always one of those things where you say you want to do something, but never do anything about it. i assumed you had to have natural talent or you just couldn’t do it, and i obviously didn’t have hat talent. finally i said fuck it and went and bought one. i’m teaching myself and i take a lesson once a week at the music store. i can kinda play four and a half songs.  my kid brought me her electric guitar to play around with and i’m in love so now i want to get my own. lol. one day i will be playing on a stage. i don’t care if it’s some dive bar, but i want to play for others. 

so that’s kinda life in a nutshell at the moment. messy, chaotic, magical, and not hungover. can hall believe i have 21.5 months sober now!? 

endings and beginnings

this past week has been such a roller coaster of emotional everything.  i lost some people who were very dear to my heart amid some back stabbing, mean girl, high school type bullshit drama.  my heart hurt, a lot.  not only for myself, but for my whole group of friends.  its been crazy, but i have learned many lessons this past week, and i have no doubt that the rest of us will heal, and my group of friends that have remained will become closer.

amid this drama though, some pretty damn amazing things have happened as well.  i’ve been talking to someone since my birthday, and there is a possibility of a future relationship.  we have said from the very beginning that we will take things slow.  he is a friend i went to school with.  i had the hugest crush on him all through high school but always thought he was way too cool and cute for me.  he said he always thought i was gorgeous but we were both way too shy to ever say anything back then.  he messaged me late at night to wish me a happy birthday.  he said he hoped i’d had a great day.  i said it was ok, but very emotional and that divorce sucks.  he had no idea i was separated, i guess he missed it when i posted something about it.   he jokingly started hitting on me, and i hit right back on him, then it turned into seriously hitting on each other.  we are both really busy, but would meet occasionally.  he has been super awesome.  he’s been there when i was lonely.  he’s helped me through depressed nights when i thought i couldn’t go on.  he has been so patient with me, waiting, knowing i was going through a separation and was emotionally very fragile, never pressing or pushing anything.  so, i’m excited to see where things go from here.

on friday night, i finally got to live out a dream i have had since i was about 5 years old.  i got to go see new kids on the block live!!  omg it was great and they are still just as fucking sexy as ever.  boyz II men was also really good.  i’ve never been much of a paula abdul fan but she did put on a really good show.  then sunday, me, my 17 year old daughter, and a good friend went to see roger waters of pink floyd.  it was one of the best concerts i have ever been to, and i’m so grateful that i got to share such an amazing experience with my daughter.  me and her have another concert of wedensday that i am really looking forward to as well.  its a small band from chicago called the kickback.  we saw them back in may when they opened for bush and we both fell in love with the band and the singer.  haha

so yeah, an emotional week, but im healing, and i’m rising back up even stronger.  just you watch.

curve ball

changes! life has thrown me another curve ball. so, i moved in with my great aunt who is 83 because she needs someone to be there with her.  that’s been very interesting. she drinks nightly.  she also takes a lot of medications. she doesn’t get plastered, she has two or three drinks, but when it mixes with her medicine, it affects her.  i’ve started making her drinks with half the amount of alcohol she normally puts in.  she hasn’t noticed yet. she sits there and cusses at her tv all night. sometimes it’s quite amusing, sometimes she gets super annoying.  i don’t say anything, because how do you say something to the worlds most stubborn old woman?  part of me doesn’t blame her, i’d probably wanna forget the shape i was in if i were her. i’ve mentioned that alcohol might mix with her pain medicine (she takes strong medication) but she says she doesn’t get drunk, and gets grouchy. but, all in all, it’s not bad.  

i’m super glad to be out of my parents house, it’s a complete shitstorm here.  daddy bitches at mama and tells her he can’t drink,  mama hides it and has people sneak it to her.  daddy drinks next door at his brothers.  my dad asked if he was wrong by telling her she can’t and he still does.  i said yes, she’s a grown woman who has to make her own choices and you can’t control her.  i also said it’s pretty shitty he gets mad at her for hiding it when he does the same thing. he said it’s not the same thing, she has a problem and he doesn’t (he’s a normal drinker). i said yeah but you’re still hiding it from her.  he says it’s because if she knows it’s around she will drink it all, so he doesn’t bring it here.  he’s also an asshole to her, but i didn’t got into that.  

i just try to stay in my own little bubble doing my own thing. i hit 18 months sober on saturday. can y’all believe that?  a lot of you were here when i was still drinking snd struggling.  EIGHTEEN MONTHS!!  that’s a year and a half!  i am still in disbelief about that.  i never thought i would stay sober this long.  i had the intention for quitting for a year, but no intention on actually drinking after that, the year was just my goal.  so to surpass that, and a huge accomplishment in itself. 

i finally have what i want.  my life isn’t ruled by alcohol any longer.  it hasn’t been for a long time, but recently i’ve just been thinking about it.  there were many years i drank almost every night, so not a day went by i wasn’t thinking about alcohol or drinking.  yet, alcohol is still a huge part of my life because of being in the middle of my parents issues (i’m an only child, so i get it all).  seeing them makes me so much more grateful that i am no longer stuck in that vicious cycle, and that i stopped my problem before i let it cause real and major issues in my life. 

a live without alcohol is much more glorious than i ever imagined it would be.  i really had no expectations on what sobriety would be like when i first got sober, so it’s all been a surprise.  some good, some not so good, but all of that has gotten me to a pretty happy place right now.  i just block out my parents bullshit, and other than that, life is grand.  i’m moving forward, i’m learning and growing, and new opportunities are opening up.  

i just got back from a retreat and became a certified fairyologist, and got a faerie reiki master attunement.  i have lots of cool ideas for that.  i’m hoping to start teaching yoga soon as well st our goddess temple. i’m ready to get out there and start doing things for myself and others.