i’m not sure if my bitterness comes from them and how i was treated, or at myself for allowing it to happen and continue. either way, part of me is totally okay with it, but the other part of me is bitter and wishes she had no conscious. totally fucked up thinking and i completely realize it. but, it’s how i feel. and if i hide or deny these feelings, they will keep eating at me and lead me down that damn spiral again. i’m teetering in the edge as it is, i don’t need to go any further. so instead of spreading negativity and anger, i am going to let this post marinate in drafts for a while. as long as its outside of me at the moment. perhaps one day i’ll be able to let go.
this is the last paragraph of a huge post i just finished. i needed to write, but i really didn’t have a topic (do i ever really?). the first paragraph was normal, but after that it turned into a huge bitchfest over losing my job. from what i have learned in aa, that can lead to a resentment, which isn’t good for someone with an alcoholic mind.
but wait, there’s more! let’s throw in a heaping scoop of bipolar to make even more fun! i don’t know if my three readers have any experience with bipolar, just let me tell you it makes life…interesting to say the least. sometimes, you do these wonderful things while you’re manic that you don’t even remember! like get into a fender bender in town, cuss out the people and the police, thank goddess my daughter was driving through town and saw me and picked me up and brought me home. i had no idea until the next day when my friend called asking if i wanted to go pick up my car. oops.
by the way, that was my absolute lowest point. and i was just over two years sober. a couple of days later i went to the doctor and got on medication. it worked wonders except for the fact it made me sleep for literally 15-16 hours a day. a couple of weeks later i started said job i just had a bitch fit about. i had a pretty cool guy in my life, except for the fact he lived 650 miles away and didn’t want to make a commitment because of distance, and those had worked wonders for my mental health. i stopped the medication about two months later. i was going to visit my guy and had ran out of medicine and didn’t have time to get refills so i figured i would when i got back. since the medicine made me so tired it was hard to get through work. i felt okay and tried going without it. that was exactly a year ago. i know because memories of my trip to michigan showed up on my snapchat the other day.
this is the lowest i’ve been in a year. my mom almost died from drinking back in october. she’s doing okay at the moment, but she still struggles. i rarely get to see my husband, we haven’t really had any time alone to ourselves since the end of january, when i went down on our anniversary weekend. i lost my job. honestly, with everything that stresses me out, i’m not anywhere near as bad as i could easily let myself get to right now. i have tried my hardest to stay positive. after all, i did manifest what i asked for. i did want to quit, but i wanted to have an actual plan first. so i’m taking this opportunity to take advantage of things i can.
i want to be a life coach of some sort. there are lots of ways to make money online. i have a friend who is a certified coach who will do my training and certification. all i need is a computer and a bank account. two simple things most normal adults have. well, i have either. we have several laptops actually, but none of them function properly for running a business or using skype. one of them the mouse will decide randomly to go haywire and open and close and click things all over the screen. i cannot be in the middle of an important call and have that happen. and yeah, i am almost 40 years old and i do not have a bank account. i have never had a credit card. i have no income to even open and put money into any kind of account. i have cashapp for my husband to send money and that’s it. it’s like these two things that are so simple to most people, are huge blocks in my life that hold me back.
i am glad mercury is finally direct again. though this retrograde has actually been pretty inspiring and motivating for me, i am ready to figure out a way to move forward. me, the girls, and two of the dogs are leaving either tomorrow or saturday to spend spring break next week in florida. i am hoping time away from sitting in this house can help me get a fresh perspective. after being holed up in my bedroom for over a week, goddess knows i need it. i went to a meeting tuesday, i hadn’t been since last tuesday. my daughter and i also went to our ostara ritual sunday. ever since the breakdown of the coven, we’ve kept the circle small. there are five of us who meet. two of us are me and my kid. we will continue to keep the coven and ritual a small circle, but we are building up our goddess temple. we have our building in place, and a deck built on thanks to a generous donation. we have a fundraiser going on facebook because we have a ton of work to do. it is basically an empty shell. we hope to have it done by fall to host our first retreat. i am super excited about all that.
i go back and forth sitting here, dwelling on the good things and feeling inspired, then on the negative things and feel defeated. bipolar is so fun y’all. the emotional roller coaster really is a thrill.
i want to write a book, so last night while working on things i was thumbing through books i have and i found this. i don’t remember what it was for r why i wrote it, or when i wrote it. i don’t remember it at all. but it was the perfect thing i needed at this time.
today i forced myself to get out of the house other than to find food. i decided to take my girls and my dog to the creek. two of the dogs are going to florida with us, and i wanted to see how she would do around water. we’ve always wanted a water dog and none of the ones we have had liked water. oh lilith had so much fun y’all!! she wanted to get in on her own but was iffy. she had no problem going in with me though. we hiked a bit, and she scaled the side of the mountain and even jumped from one rock across the water to a rock my daughter was on. she did great and i can’t wait to see how she does at the beach. none of our dogs have ever been lap dogs either until her. i basically kept her up my ass when she was a puppy hoping she would be. i got her when i was separated and living back here in the side area of the house. she was the only friend i really had until the husband and i got back together, i even took her to work with me, so we were literally never apart. she even slept beside me in the bed on her own pillow just as if she were my human child. spoiled to say the least.
today was a good day for my mental health. i wish i had went to more meetings and reached out. i do have a sponsor but i suck at using her. i am so awful about reaching out. i don’t know why, because i know i would never hesitate to be there for someone in need and i make sure people know that, yet i don’t take my own advice. i know I’m not a burden or spreading negativity and that’s what my aa people are there for, but i just don’t use them. i know i need to. i have been in the program for 6 months now, and have had a sponsor for 5 of those. we have only met once, because i don’t reach out. i need to find a way to overcome this and deal with my shit.
i’m glad i stumbled back upon this blog. i can’t believe i forgot all about it. i love having this outlet. i can get stuff out of my head, and i can go back and see growth and progress i have made. i know i write super long posts with no topics that go in totally random directions and am not all fancy and pretty like most bloggers out there. i don’t know how to properly blog, i know nothing of english or how to properly write anything. while working on my book the other night, i got stuck and people started talking about outlines and rough drafts and editing and shit. i thought you just sat down and wrote from beginning to end. then you get it published if you want. so i may have to scrap that idea because that is way above my comprehension. i literally know nothing other than how to this blog other than a place to collect my thoughts. a journal sort of. i have no idea if anyone actually reads these long ass random things i spew. i write for me and my sanity. when i wasn’t writing here, i was writing in google docs. but i would love to reach more people, maybe someone out there can benefit from my fucked upness. but i don’t know how to do any of that kind of stuff. I can barely send a text and use facebook. even this free wordpress blog is almost too complicated for me. so journal it is for now.
it’s 4 am, my sleep is all messed up. between this post and the one i didn’t post, i have been writing fo four hours. my hand has a bruise from the binder i have my ipad and hands resting on. i need sleep, but the little kid gets up in two hours for school, and lately if i do sleep at night, i sleep through alarms. i have four set on my phone, loudest noise as loud as it goes. i have problems with the clock app freezing so my alarms will stop and i really don’t wake up. so i bought a real alarm clock. the package said loud beeping. i have it across the room so i have to get out of bed to hit snooze or turn it off. i keep my phone where i have to get out of bed to turn those alarms off as well. i get up and hit snooze without realizing it. every nine minutes. it gets to the point where i sleep through it, it doesn’t wake me up. my oldest will come in yelling at me to turn it off because it wakes HER up. my husband facetimes the kid before school, and if we don’t answer he calls the big kid to wake me up. it’s bad y’all.
now that i’m not working, my sleep cycle has gone crazy. i go to sleep at about 8 am or so, sometimes 9 or 10. and sleep until about 2 or 2:30. yesterday i forced myself to get out of bed at 12:30, after only sleeping about two and a half hours. i thought surely i would be tired enough to go to sleep by 11 or so. i was exhausted and nodded off for a minute. exhausted as i am, it’s 4:14 and i am still awake. i am gonna shut up and call it a post. kudos and apologies if anyone made it all the way to the end.