too much rambling for you to actually read

i’m not sure if my bitterness comes from them and how i was treated, or at myself for allowing it to happen and continue. either way, part of me is totally okay with it, but the other part of me is bitter and wishes she had no conscious. totally fucked up thinking and i completely realize it. but, it’s how i feel. and if i hide or deny these feelings, they will keep eating at me and lead me down that damn spiral again. i’m teetering in the edge as it is, i don’t need to go any further. so instead of spreading negativity and anger, i am going to let this post marinate in drafts for a while. as long as its outside of me at the moment. perhaps one day i’ll be able to let go.

this is the last paragraph of a huge post i just finished. i needed to write, but i really didn’t have a topic (do i ever really?). the first paragraph was normal, but after that it turned into a huge bitchfest over losing my job. from what i have learned in aa, that can lead to a resentment, which isn’t good for someone with an alcoholic mind.

but wait, there’s more! let’s throw in a heaping scoop of bipolar to make even more fun! i don’t know if my three readers have any experience with bipolar, just let me tell you it makes life…interesting to say the least. sometimes, you do these wonderful things while you’re manic that you don’t even remember! like get into a fender bender in town, cuss out the people and the police, thank goddess my daughter was driving through town and saw me and picked me up and brought me home. i had no idea until the next day when my friend called asking if i wanted to go pick up my car. oops.

by the way, that was my absolute lowest point. and i was just over two years sober. a couple of days later i went to the doctor and got on medication. it worked wonders except for the fact it made me sleep for literally 15-16 hours a day. a couple of weeks later i started said job i just had a bitch fit about. i had a pretty cool guy in my life, except for the fact he lived 650 miles away and didn’t want to make a commitment because of distance, and those had worked wonders for my mental health. i stopped the medication about two months later. i was going to visit my guy and had ran out of medicine and didn’t have time to get refills so i figured i would when i got back. since the medicine made me so tired it was hard to get through work. i felt okay and tried going without it. that was exactly a year ago. i know because memories of my trip to michigan showed up on my snapchat the other day.

this is the lowest i’ve been in a year. my mom almost died from drinking back in october. she’s doing okay at the moment, but she still struggles. i rarely get to see my husband, we haven’t really had any time alone to ourselves since the end of january, when i went down on our anniversary weekend. i lost my job. honestly, with everything that stresses me out, i’m not anywhere near as bad as i could easily let myself get to right now. i have tried my hardest to stay positive. after all, i did manifest what i asked for. i did want to quit, but i wanted to have an actual plan first. so i’m taking this opportunity to take advantage of things i can.

i want to be a life coach of some sort. there are lots of ways to make money online. i have a friend who is a certified coach who will do my training and certification. all i need is a computer and a bank account. two simple things most normal adults have. well, i have either. we have several laptops actually, but none of them function properly for running a business or using skype. one of them the mouse will decide randomly to go haywire and open and close and click things all over the screen. i cannot be in the middle of an important call and have that happen. and yeah, i am almost 40 years old and i do not have a bank account. i have never had a credit card. i have no income to even open and put money into any kind of account. i have cashapp for my husband to send money and that’s it. it’s like these two things that are so simple to most people, are huge blocks in my life that hold me back.

i am glad mercury is finally direct again. though this retrograde has actually been pretty inspiring and motivating for me, i am ready to figure out a way to move forward. me, the girls, and two of the dogs are leaving either tomorrow or saturday to spend spring break next week in florida. i am hoping time away from sitting in this house can help me get a fresh perspective. after being holed up in my bedroom for over a week, goddess knows i need it. i went to a meeting tuesday, i hadn’t been since last tuesday. my daughter and i also went to our ostara ritual sunday. ever since the breakdown of the coven, we’ve kept the circle small. there are five of us who meet. two of us are me and my kid. we will continue to keep the coven and ritual a small circle, but we are building up our goddess temple. we have our building in place, and a deck built on thanks to a generous donation. we have a fundraiser going on facebook because we have a ton of work to do. it is basically an empty shell. we hope to have it done by fall to host our first retreat. i am super excited about all that.

i go back and forth sitting here, dwelling on the good things and feeling inspired, then on the negative things and feel defeated. bipolar is so fun y’all. the emotional roller coaster really is a thrill.

i want to write a book, so last night while working on things i was thumbing through books i have and i found this. i don’t remember what it was for r why i wrote it, or when i wrote it. i don’t remember it at all. but it was the perfect thing i needed at this time.

today i forced myself to get out of the house other than to find food. i decided to take my girls and my dog to the creek. two of the dogs are going to florida with us, and i wanted to see how she would do around water. we’ve always wanted a water dog and none of the ones we have had liked water. oh lilith had so much fun y’all!! she wanted to get in on her own but was iffy. she had no problem going in with me though. we hiked a bit, and she scaled the side of the mountain and even jumped from one rock across the water to a rock my daughter was on. she did great and i can’t wait to see how she does at the beach. none of our dogs have ever been lap dogs either until her. i basically kept her up my ass when she was a puppy hoping she would be. i got her when i was separated and living back here in the side area of the house. she was the only friend i really had until the husband and i got back together, i even took her to work with me, so we were literally never apart. she even slept beside me in the bed on her own pillow just as if she were my human child. spoiled to say the least.

today was a good day for my mental health. i wish i had went to more meetings and reached out. i do have a sponsor but i suck at using her. i am so awful about reaching out. i don’t know why, because i know i would never hesitate to be there for someone in need and i make sure people know that, yet i don’t take my own advice. i know I’m not a burden or spreading negativity and that’s what my aa people are there for, but i just don’t use them. i know i need to. i have been in the program for 6 months now, and have had a sponsor for 5 of those. we have only met once, because i don’t reach out. i need to find a way to overcome this and deal with my shit.

i’m glad i stumbled back upon this blog. i can’t believe i forgot all about it. i love having this outlet. i can get stuff out of my head, and i can go back and see growth and progress i have made. i know i write super long posts with no topics that go in totally random directions and am not all fancy and pretty like most bloggers out there. i don’t know how to properly blog, i know nothing of english or how to properly write anything. while working on my book the other night, i got stuck and people started talking about outlines and rough drafts and editing and shit. i thought you just sat down and wrote from beginning to end. then you get it published if you want. so i may have to scrap that idea because that is way above my comprehension. i literally know nothing other than how to this blog other than a place to collect my thoughts. a journal sort of. i have no idea if anyone actually reads these long ass random things i spew. i write for me and my sanity. when i wasn’t writing here, i was writing in google docs. but i would love to reach more people, maybe someone out there can benefit from my fucked upness. but i don’t know how to do any of that kind of stuff. I can barely send a text and use facebook. even this free wordpress blog is almost too complicated for me. so journal it is for now.

it’s 4 am, my sleep is all messed up. between this post and the one i didn’t post, i have been writing fo four hours. my hand has a bruise from the binder i have my ipad and hands resting on. i need sleep, but the little kid gets up in two hours for school, and lately if i do sleep at night, i sleep through alarms. i have four set on my phone, loudest noise as loud as it goes. i have problems with the clock app freezing so my alarms will stop and i really don’t wake up. so i bought a real alarm clock. the package said loud beeping. i have it across the room so i have to get out of bed to hit snooze or turn it off. i keep my phone where i have to get out of bed to turn those alarms off as well. i get up and hit snooze without realizing it. every nine minutes. it gets to the point where i sleep through it, it doesn’t wake me up. my oldest will come in yelling at me to turn it off because it wakes HER up. my husband facetimes the kid before school, and if we don’t answer he calls the big kid to wake me up. it’s bad y’all.

now that i’m not working, my sleep cycle has gone crazy. i go to sleep at about 8 am or so, sometimes 9 or 10. and sleep until about 2 or 2:30. yesterday i forced myself to get out of bed at 12:30, after only sleeping about two and a half hours. i thought surely i would be tired enough to go to sleep by 11 or so. i was exhausted and nodded off for a minute. exhausted as i am, it’s 4:14 and i am still awake. i am gonna shut up and call it a post. kudos and apologies if anyone made it all the way to the end.

just nod if you can hear me, is there anyone at home?

wow you guys. i totally forgot that i has this blog, it’s been well over a year since i last posted. life has so totally changed in many ways since december 2017. at this time one year ago, i was in michigan seeing a special guy friend. it was a much needed long weekend from the full time job i had gotten at a mushroom farm. things were going pretty well in my life. i was on decent terms with the soon to be ex husband, i had a guy in my life who couldn’t make a commitment due to distance but i still enjoyed talking to him and the trips i took to visit. i had a job i enjoyed, even though i was making very little money and paid under the table. but, it worked miracles for the downward spiral i was in when i first got the job.

a could of days after i returned home from my trip, i was having a conversation with the ex. we had been on good terms, friendly and actually talking a bit here and there. he admitted to me that he removed me as a friend from facebook, that he was happy i had found someone that made me happy, but he couldn’t bear to see me moving on. that he’d realized he had made a huge mistake by letting me go. two days later, i drive to florida to meet him. that was the first time we’d talked, other than hello in passing, in years. it was nice to communicate like that with him. ironically, we decided to give our marriage another try on april fools day of all days!

just a few days shy of one year later, we are doing as well as we can be living in separate states. he work in florida, he has since before we got back together. he has tried to move back here to georgia but there is just no money here for him to make. it’s absolutely booming where he is in florida. we are trying to come up with a plan of some sort because the distance thing is killing us all.

i worked full time and more at a mushroom farm for 13 months. when i started the job last january, i had just been diagnosed with bipolar and in the middle of a downward spiral. it gave me something to look forward to and put a little money in my pockets. at first i was working up to 16 hour days just to avoid being home when the husband was here since he was still the ex at the time. it became more than i could deal with. i worked outside and it was cold and miserable. if i only worked 40 hours a week, i made a dollar less than minimum wage. i never got a raise, just a flat $250 a week under the table no matter how much i worked.

we went on family vacation to the UK in february, which was amazing omggggg. when i got back, i was basically told i was being replaced by the guy brought in to help the farm while i was gone, because he is stronger and can do more things that i can’t do. but, after they’d given me shit the day before, i had already decided i wasn’t going back. my friends and husband told me for months that they were taking advantage of me, but it took me longer to see it.

i relapsed for a few months last summer. i made it to two and a half years, and it was a very planned and calculated choice on my part. it only took a few months before i could see it becoming a problem. i could also tell a HUGE difference in my bipolar symptoms. i was headed down a baaaaaad spiral. so one day at work, i was feeling kinda crappy and decided i’d had enough. i googled up the closest recovery meeting near me. there was an aa meeting that night so I decided to go. i had attended SMART recovery meetings a long time before, but they were almost an hour away at impossible times.

aa has been so helpful for me. i never realized just how much i needed fellowship with other sober people. before, i was the only sober person in my life. i had friends who were sober but they all lived in facebook. having that support network has been the best thing to happen to my recovery. it’s been just over six months since that day i walked into a meeting and i have not drank since.

i’m back, i’m ready for something big, and i’m not stopping until i get there.

Happiness and choices

is being happy really a choice?  can we really just wake up and say “i’m going to be happy today” and really be happy all day?  its easy when things are going all fanfuckingtastic in our lives.  but what about when our lives take a shit?  like, you know, the day your husband tells you he doesn’t love you anymore.  how can you choose to be happy then?  or when your favorite uncle died the day before your birthday.  thanks addiction.

my point is, it’s hard to choose to be happy when you are fucking miserable.  people tell you “don’t worry, it will get better” and you want to punch them in their stupid face.  we can do all the things to cheer us up, calling a friend, making gratitude lists, all that jazz, but sometimes even that doesn’t help.

for those of us who are in recovery, we can get stuck in those negative cycles quite often if we’re not careful.  when you get sober you have to learn to feel things again, and let me tell you, FEELINGS CAN FUCKING SUCK DONKEY BALLS SOMETIMES.  even the happy ones can suck at times.  after being separated for over a year i still ride an emotional roller coaster.  some days i feel like a strong independent woman who don’t need no man and some days i feel like i want to grab the first person i see and say “LOVE MEEEEE FOREVEEEEER!”

when i stopped drinking, i thought i would be much happier.  i thought my marriage would get better.  i mean, i knew it wasn’t the best, but i also didn’t know just how bad it was.  you don’t see the real shit when you’re drunk all the time.  and when your spouse is as well.  and when one of you stops and the other doesn’t, well, lets just say that obviously just ain’t gonna work.  if it did for you, then yay, but you’re a rare breed.

i use my situation as an example because its the worst thing i’ve ever been through.  i thought i would never be happy again.  and it wasn’t about having someone love me.  i had been through break ups before and knew i could go on without him, even though sometimes i physically felt like i was dying.  it was a situation that no matter what i did, i couldn’t find happiness anywhere.

somedays i still don’t  see happiness anywhere.  for the last year, i have lived out of one room.  i currently reside in a side room at the house me and my ex shared.  my bank account has a negative balance right now, and ive already taken an advance at my part time job so i’m working that off.  my phone service was disconnected a week ago because i couldn’t afford the bill.  sounds like a lot to be unhappy about, right?  some days, it is and its all i can do to make it  until bedtime and hope that the next day will be better.  some days, like today, i look around at what i have.  it may not be much, but it’s mine.  i have my girls, my dogs, my cats, and my guitars.  i have paint, brushes, and blank canvas.  i have a home with wifi so i’m not completely disconnected from the world.  i have stranger things.  i have a warm, soft, cozy bed that is all mine.  ok, so maybe i do have a lot of shit.  but anyway, that’s not the point.  the point is, today i am happy.  i am sober.  almost two fucking years sober.

So how can you be happy when you’re not happy?  here’s a few tips.

1.  accept it’s probably not going to get better anytime soon and make the best of it.  and fuck all those people saying “it gets better.”  i think that’s just what people say when they don’t know what else to say.  accepting that you’re life just sucks right now and you can’t do anything about it can actually help you feel happier.  at least for me.  but, i’m also a damn weirdo.  i have a sick, twisted sense of  humor, so sometimes laughing at myself helps.  if that doesn’t help, look up funny memes.  that always helps.  or damnyouautocorrect.  that shit gets me in tears and out of a bad mood in about two minutes.

2.  dance.  tell everyone to the the fuck out, put on some music you love, turn that shit as loud as it will go and dance your ass off.  don’t put on some sappy sad shit that matches your mood, pick something opposite.  unless you’re feeling angry, then put on some rob zombie and do some yoga.  sounds totally counterproductive, right, but i’m telling you, it will rock your fucking world.  not feeling pretty?  put on something you have felt super hot in before and put on some hozier and awaken your inner sex goddess (or god, whatever).  you’ll totally want to put a dancer pole in your room.

3.  do something challenging.  i’m not talking some crazy daredevil shit.  something little.  something you’ve always wanted to do but have never done.  or something you use to do but stopped because you were having a pity party about life sucking.  like me and my guitar.  i’d never played guitar until three months ago.  when i bought it, i had literally only learned two chords the day before on my daughters guitar.  but it was something i had always wanted to do, so i said fuck it and fuck my tiny hands i’m gonna do it anyway.  and i’m fucking doing it!  i mean, i’m no jimmy page, but i can play a few songs pretty decently now.  but the great thing is, there will always be a new challenge to learn.  i’ll never run out of songs to learn.  and if i somehow did, then i’m unlimited with what i can create.  now if i could just unlock that damn creativity…

4.  random acts of kindness.  helping someone else is the best way to feel happier.  because you’ve made an impact in someone’s life.  as broke as i am, i always make it a point to get at least a $1 toy for the toys for tots box every time i go to the dollar store.  sure, right now a dollar is a lot of money to me right now, but making some bratty kid happy on christmas just warms my cold, black heart.  buy someone’s coffee if you can.  also, it doesn’t always have to be material shit.  give compliments to everyone.  smile at everyone.  who knows, you may be completely turning their day around with your smile.  doesn’t the thought of that make you feel at least a little happy?

so, when everything seems like it’s going to hell in a handbasket, you can still be happy.  is it a choice?  yes..ish…  i think it is, but it’s something you have to work at.  you don’t just say “oh i’m going to be happy today” and just be a fucking ray of sunshine.  no.  you have to actually do things to make yourself happy.  like sobriety.  you can say “oh today is the day, i’m gonna stop” all day long, but when drinking time comes around and you think “i’ll stop tomorrow.”  you have to make tomorrow today.  you can choose recovery and sobriety, but it’s something you have to work on.  it’s something you have to make changes to make work.  just like happiness.  you can say you choose it all you want, but unless you actually work at it, it ain’t happening.

so if you’re feeling like a pile of shit, at least feel like a pile of unicorn shit.  all rainbowy and glittery.  the misery is where we find our light.  we need to learn to work with that darkness instead of working against it.  yes, it’s much easier said than done.  i’m not saying that you’re life is going to change and you’re gonna feel like skipping through meadows of dandelions on a summer day (cue tampon commercial), but when you surrender to the fact that you’re currently not happy, you can start asking yourself what can i do to find happiness again, and then go do that shit.

123..ready set go..

how much better can it get!?  i finally went back to a smart recovery meeting this morning. oh how ive missed them. i enjoyed checking in and updating on all the amazing things in my life.

mentioning that i had become a yoga teacher, after the meeting one woman approached me and asked if i’d me interested in doing recovery yoga there on weekends and set up a jar for love donations for anyone that can/wants to give. the office where they are held has a small room downstairs, enough for a few people to throw some mats down. yoga for recovery is one thing i surely wanted to do, i have talked about it, but just didn’t know when or how or where to start.

she also said that it’s great that i am going to become a facilitator, and wants to support me however she can. she offered to come to my first meeting when i have it, and said i could facilitate some of the meetings there to get my feet wet.

y’all. i am beyond excited. THIS is part of why i wanted to get sober. i wanted to help people. i have for a long time, but again, i didn’t know the what’s and how’s. they also said it might still be a while before i start my training, and its every few months or so.  as impatient as i am, i’m ok with it, because this gives me the chance to out together some yoga classes. 

FOUR MONTHS SOBER. i look at that, and i honestly can’t believe its me who is saying that. i am so grateful to be sober. i never imagined i could be so happy and look forward to life so much without alcohol. there were times i expected to die a drunk someday. i never saw myself not drinking. my life basically revolved around a bottle of wine every day. compared to now, that was a very pathetic way of existing. ive worked hard to overcome that. i don’t ever want to go back to that awful place. i enjoy where i am.

beltane..

ahh.. blessed beltane!!   full of love and fertility.  opposite from samhain on the wheel of the year, the veil is very thin between our world and the fae.  they are out in full force, and watch out because some can be sneaky little shits.  last night we had beltane ritual.  us priestess apprentices arrived early to get everything set up and ready.  we set up the circle, the HP (high priestess, not higher power) hung the flowers and ribbons on a tree for our maypole, set up the fire, and planned out ritual.

everyone began to arrive, it was great seeing all my sisters again, and we had two new faces join us.  i never had any sibling, and i was disappoint a lot in life because i didn’t.  i always wondered what it was like to have that bond.  to have someone so close, who knows every bit of you.  who you can tell your secrets to, who always has your back.  now, i have so many sisters i can’t even count.

we started our coven Mabon (in september) of 2014.  out of the 8 or 9 women who showed up to that first one, other than the high priestess, only two of us still come.  and again other than the hp,  i am the only sister who has been to every single ritual (i guess i’m like that person who’s in church every time the doors are open, haha).  in june, for summer solstice, we are hosting a retreat in north carolina, with lots of our california sisters flying out.  this is going to be a HUUUUUUUUUUGE deal.  our hp is actually going to be initiated officially as a HP.  these cali sisters, especially the founder of the dianic tradition, have been watching us closely.  they see what we are doing here.  we hope to become an official hive of the tradition.  this retreat will give us all the opportunity to show what we have learned, and what we are doing.  last year, at a retreat i wasn’t able to attend, the HP and another friend went, told me that all of a sudden, they needed someone to call in a quarter, and friend volunteered to do it.  they were so impressed by her jumping in, and said she did a fantastic job, and raved about her.  THAT is what we want them seeing.  things like that.  to show that we have much knowledge, and it shows them just how well we are being trained as priestess apprentices.

anyway, back to beltane.  you know, squirrels and shiny things.  so we had a beautiful meal of some citrus chicken, asparagus (that i made), green beans, salad, desserts, it was yummy.  then we sat around and let our food settle before going down to the circle.  we got down there, and in the middle of ritual, it came a thunderstorm.  it was so powerful.  we got SOAKING wet.  several of us were naked.  it was SO POWERFUL.  then i started to freeze as the fire started going out.  the rain poured.  i got bit by something on my foot.  but it was so much fun.  dancing naked in the storm, letting the water wash away anything that doesn’t serve me anymore, goddess, it was so freeing!  afterward we went back in, dried off, and had desserts.  i sat there cuddled under many blankets trying to get feeling back in my body.

it was really powerful.  it was really fun.  there were so many laugh.  i love it.  that’s one thing, we don’t take shit seriously.  if we fuck up calling in a quarter, we all laugh.  we eventually get the quarter called in.  we think goddess surely has a sense of humor as well or these things wouldn’t happen.  of course, we can be serious when needed, but our rituals aren’t focused on it.  some parts are more serious than others, but mostly we have fun and go with the energy.

i am beyond grateful to be a part of my sisterhood.  they are all so supportive of my sobriety, and make sure to accommodate that during ritual, by not having wine for cakes and ale, its usually some kind of juice or water.  like last night, holy shit, we had full moon storm water from the last full moon that our HP caught during the storm.  powerful shit right there, and along with the water falling from the storm into the cup, we drank some powerful stuff.

before i got sober, i’d have a couple of glasses of wine with the meal.  literally, two.  because i knew that in several hours i’d have to go home.  luckily, i was always somehow clear enough to know NEVER to drive after drinking.  i never did get behind the wheel buzzed or drunk.  in fact, i was even paranoid about the two glasses i’d had 4 or 5 hours earlier when i’d leave.  of course they’d worn off hours ago.  besides, i had a bottle waiting for me at home anyway.  so i’d come home after ritual and drink how i wanted to drink.

last night, i came home, played with my dogs, played on the computer for a while, and went to bed.  i slept so good, all night long.  i woke up at like 8 or so, and told myself it was too early, and went back to sleep until 9:30.  i haven’t slept past 7 in probably a month or more.  it was FANFUCKINGTABULOUS!  oh my goddess.  i needed that so bad.

the husband and kids went to alabama this weekend, leaving me home alone since i had ritual and i had to work.  i absolutely will NOT miss ritual.  i’d miss out on something else first.  the only time i’d miss is if there was a life or death emergency.  i’ve enjoyed having the time to myself.  it’s been nice.  but i miss everyone.  they are leaving to come home later today.

today marks the beginning of my 5th month on my #alcoholfree2016 journey.  i officially have four months sober.  wow.  i’m impressed with myself.  i actually should have seven months sober, stupid relapse.  but, six our of the last 7 months sober.  yall.  that is SO HUGE FOR ME.  i’m still mad at myself for relapsing, and so easily.  but, it is what it is, i can’t change it.  but, i know for sure that i can’t drink just one time.  i’ll drink the next night, and the next, and the next, then probably take a break for a week, then drink again.  that’s how it went when i relapsed.  it was for a month, but in reality, i only drank MAYBE 15 days out of the month, because i’d drink some, then not drink for a week or two, then drink, then stop for a few days.  so, not quite as frequent as before i quit, but i noticed i was drinking more when i did drink.  like, i’d finish my bottle of wine, then take a couple of shots of husbands vodka or whiskey that my brother in law left.  that wasn’t good.  so, i can’t drink like a normal person.  and i’ve finally accepted that as a fact.  as much as i’d like to want to someday, i just can’t.  and i don’t even miss it anymore like i did at first.  now that i’ve made it this long, i see how much better i am and how much better i feel without it.  i kinda miss the escape it brought, but not the drinking itself.  but, i enjoy feeling things again much more than escaping them.  each time i deal with a tough feeling and i don’t try to escape it, i come out a little bit stronger.

sobriety is fun.  sobriety is enjoyable.  sobriety is peaceful.  sobriety is feeling.  sobriety is much more than just not drinking.  sobriety is learning who you truly are and what you are capable of.  sobriety challenges you to punch your fears in the face.

reflection

you may be wondering why my blog looks different, and has a different title.  well, it’s simple.  things change.  i found my way to sober.  i’m not looking for it anymore, i’ve found it.  i’m thinking of editing or deleting some of the early posts, some of the really private stuff, and sharing this blog.  somehow, i have 63 followers.  woah.  do that many people really want to hear my crazy shit?  and, that’s without me sharing this blog, so i have no idea how in the hell they found me.  but, hello.

so…first off.  witchwaytosober was a name that came up while i was meditating one day.  almost a year ago.  and when you’re ready to start something you don’t sit there and think about long term (well, at least i didn’t anyway).  i think i started this blog in june of 2015.  i’m glad, well, not really, but you know what i mean, that it has several posts of when i was relapsing, and a failed attempt at 100 day sober challenge.  yeah, it was challenging so i did what i normally do, give up and hide.  getting sober was really hard.  much harder than staying sober.  at that time, i really was looking for a way to being sober.  i had no idea wtf i was doing, really.  until something just clicked at the end of september.  it was on the autumn equinox actually.  it lasted just over two months, and i suddenly slipped again and got caught back up in my normal cycle for a month before i got it together again.  my alcohol free 2016 is going amazing.

i am not the same person i was three months ago.  i’ve had a tremendous amount of growth in these very short 112 days.  i have MONTHS sober.  i’m not far away from doubling the time i had before my month long relapse.  20 days in fact.  i sit here in awe of that.  there was a time when i honestly thought there was absolutely no way i could ever stop, even though i wanted it SO badly.  maybe i wanted it TOO much and went in with the wrong mindset.  this year, i just kinda gave up.  i surrendered.  i decided that i would just ride the wave, no matter where it takes me.  it’s taken me to some places i didn’t want to go.  it’s crashed, leaving broken shells scattered about.  but it’s also taken me to some great places as well.  it’s taken me to yoga instructor certification, and its taking me to become a SMART recovery facilitator.  i’ve stayed sober though a vacation, the death of my grandmother, parties, and celebrations.  could it be that i’ve finally found what i’m looking for?  i know i say that every single time.  every time i’ve found THE way that is going to work for me THIS time.  truth is, there isn’t ONE way that works for me.  surrendering to the moment has allowed me to be more flexible in my sobriety.  i ask myself “what do i need right now?”  cravings are rare, so i don’t use that question very often for them, but i love it because i can use it for ANYTHING.  sometimes i need to meditate, sometimes i need to stop and do a couple of yoga poses, sometimes i need a cup of tea, sometimes i need to scream or cry or punch something.  sometimes i need to pull an oracle card for some guidance.  sometimes i need some reiki.  sometimes i need to go outside.  sometimes i need to paint.

i chose sober goddess, because damnit, i’m a goddess.  and i’m sober.  and it may help with a super long term idea i’m tossing around.  i’ve found my sober, and i’m ready to fully embrace my goddessness.   i think i’m almost ready to share this.  with some people anyway.  but as i said there is some stuff i don’t want visible, so i’ll have to go figure out how to fix that.  we all know i suck hard with technology.  i don’t even know how i got my colors and pictures changed.  but i figured it out, my own way.  just like i’m doing with this sobriety thing.

that came out of nowhere

this evening, i was driving to get food.  i was starving, and my stomach churned and grumbled.  i haven’t felt that feeling in a long time, that feeling signified it was time to start drinking.  because that’s what i’d do.  i’d eat early on in the day, as to not kill my buzz.  by the time i was hungry again, it was time to start drinking.  the moment it would hit my stomach, that churning hunger would go away, and a few minutes later i’d feel its rush throughout my body.  i was waiting for that feeling, i was expecting it.

as i drive, it dawned on me just how long it’s been since i’ve thought about drinking like that.  i mean, not actually drinking.  it wasn’t a craving, it wasn’t an urge, it was just a thought.  just as if i was imaging myself back on a roller coaster i’ve rode before.  this is the first time in 7 months i’ve had this feeling.  i thought to myself “i’m grateful i’m sober” and then my mind wandered to another subject.

i really, really, really hate that i relapsed.  two months, then i drank for a month, and now i have almost four months.  i should have 7 months.  but, i suppose it is what it is.  i can’t go back and change it.  for the first time in 7 months, a thought like this DIDN’T lead to a craving or an urge, and it certainly didn’t make me miss it.  because i know that warm fuzzy sweater feeling would only have lasted about 45 minutes, by then i’d be too drunk to care.  high alcohol volume + nothing on my stomach = very drunk very fast  and if i were still drinking, i certainly wouldn’t have been thinking about it at that moment.  seven months ago, i would have been sloshed out of my mind and not even able to go get food.

i look at where i am now.  tomorrow will be 111 consecutive days without drinking.  i think i’ve had just about every “first” during other attempts in sobriety..holidays, birthdays, parties, so nothing is really “new” anymore.  i’m happy to be sober, my mind is clearer than it was seven months ago, four months ago.  i’ve hit this “stuck” feeling.  i don’t know where to go or what to do.  well, i have my SMART recovery training coming up in a couple of weeks.  but i have the feeling i need to do something NOW.  i just don’t know what.  i have all this motivation, but no ideas.  i’m ready for action, but i have nothing to put into action.  i mean, i’m seriously tired of sitting here all day, walking around, going online, walking around some more, piddle around with something, get bored with that, and then start the cycle all over again.  i want to start my business, and one of the questions everyone asks is “what is your niche?”  um..I DON’T FUCKING KNOW.  i don’t have one.  i don’t have one thing i’m really good at.  i’m ok at a lot of things, but i don’t have anything unique i do that sets me apart from others.  maybe this is my bad habit of comparison, but i really don’t know what i have to offer that isn’t what every other reiki/yoga teacher and card reader offers.

i’m grateful to be sober.  i’m grateful for what i’ve learned.  i know patience isn’t my strong suit, but i’ve been in this rut for a while now.  i want to create something great.  something big.  something amazing.  i’m ready to do it, i just don’t know what or how.  i want to do it myself, but i obviously can’t.  i need help.  but i don’t know what help i need. i know it will happen when the time is right, i just don’t like waiting.  i want things on my terms, i want it all, now.  but the universe obviously has other plans.

one hundred plus two

*edit* i started this last night, but i literally fell asleep while typing, so technically it’s day 102.

so, in all of the vacation business, i didn’t get a chance to post, but i officially passed 100 days.  today makes 101 days i have not drank  i can’t believe it.  i never, ever thought i would ever see this amount of sober time.  it’s been hard at times, but i’ve made it.  here are 101 things i’ve discovered about myself and sobriety:

101.   sobriety is hard
100.  sobriety is easy
99.    i sleep so well when i don’t pass out after a bottle of wine
98.    life really can be fun without alcohol.
97.    my house stays somewhat cleaner
96.    i eat somewhat healthier
95.    i’m not really as bored as i thought i was
94.   cool things happen and i remember them
93.    i enjoy not feeling like shit all the time
92.    life can present some pretty cool opportunities
91.    my body doesn’t do as many weird things when i’m not drinking
90.    i like not having to worry if i’m dying because of those weird things
89.    i’d like to say i’m less patient, maybe just a tad
88.    i suck with money, and not drinking hasn’t saved me anything at all
87.    i wake up feeling refreshed most mornings
86.    sobriety sucks sometimes
85.    sobriety is awesome at times
84.    there are lots of emotions that come out
83.    i’m way more emotional than i ever thought i was
82.    i feel better physically
81.    i never knew i would feel as good as i do
80.   i think that is part of sleeping much better
79.   i’ve made self care more important
78.   i treat myself to salt and oil baths several times a week
77.   i say affirmations daily
76.   i try to do yoga daily, if not at least several times a week
75.   i am getting a pretty hot body from my yoga
74.   i enjoy meditating more
73.   its easier to meditate when my brain isn’t foggy
72.   i don’t dream very much in sobriety
71.   when i do, i barely remember them
70.  my intuition has definitely developed more
69.  hehehehe 69
68.   i still have all of my weirdness
67.   in fact, i do crazier things when i’m sober than when drunk
66.   like the other week when i wore a size 3T diaper and a superhero cape
65.   i ran around the living room proudly, and there is photographic evidence
64.   i did something else that was really dumb, but i can’t remember it now
63.   i survived my first sober vacation
62.   i didn’t think i was going to the last few days of it
61.   apparently i’m stronger than i think i am
60.  if i can survive my grandmothers death and stay sober, i can get through anything
59.   i still have moments where i feel like i’m not going to survive it
58.   as the days pass, the moments don’t come quite as often
57.   i can’t rush healing, so i take it day by day and go with the flow
56.   i am learning to honor ALL of my feelings
55.   even the ones i don’t like or want to feel
54.   each high and each low is an opportunity to learn and grow
53.   i’m discovering more about myself each day
52.  even though my routine hasn’t changes much, each day brings new things
51.   i’ve done things in these past few months i never expected
50.  like become a yoga instructor, now to put it to use somehow
49.  i still feel like a kid, and it is my mission to be more adultish
48.  i literally have no idea how to adult at anything
47.  i have no clue how to talk adult, i have no clue what a deductible is
46.  i want to start my own business, but i don’t know how to business
45.  and i don’t have any money to start a business
44.  i have faith that it will happen and fall in to place when the time is right
43.  i don’t feel awkward not drinking around people anymore
42.  it’s pretty easy to say no and not worry
41.  it’s totally my choice as to tell them why i dont drink or not
40.  i haven’t gotten a single bit of judgment so far for not drinking
39.  or for admitting my issues publicly
38.  that was really shocking, as i expected a lot of judgment
37.  i have the best family and friends and support system in the world
36.  i’ve totally traded in my alcohol addiction for a skittles addiction
35.  i am totally not ashamed either
34.  i’m actually starting to not feel ashamed about my drinking either
33.  i still have a lot there, but i’m slowly working on it
32.  i didn’t realize this list was going to get so hard
30.  101 things a lot more than i thought
29.  but, that’s me, i’m not one to think things through first
28.  i’ve always been like that, i’d rather jump in then think about it later
27.  i’m now on day 102, i had to stop last night because i was falling asleep typing
26.  i look forward to going to bed each night, grateful to be sober
25.  i enjoy waking up feeling good and ready to start my day
24.  i didn’t realize i had a hangover for almost 8 years
23.  i started my sobriety on a leap year
22.  that means my first year will have an extra day of sobriety
21.   i really enjoy reading books on people’s sobriety stories
20.  someday, maybe i could learn to write a book and write my own
19.  if you have any book suggestions, please share them with me
18.  now that i have almost 3.5 months sober, its time to start facing my fears
17.  i have all these dreams, but no idea how to reach them
16.  instead of fearing not knowing, i will be grateful i have the opportunity to learn
15.  this morning i said today is the day i punch my fears in the face
14.  i may not know what i’m doing, but i can do little things that lead to bigger steps
13.  sitting here just thinking isn’t getting me anywhere and i’m tired of feeling stuck
12.  i really want to get back to my SMART meetings
11.  i think i’m going to take the facilitator training soon
10. i love SMART Recovery and i want to bring it to my area
9.  cause it sucks driving almost an hour through road construction
8.  and we don’t really have any options here other than AA
7.  seven is my favorite number
6.  i’m grateful for this blog, and those of you who have stuck around
5.  it’s been almost a year since i’ve started this, and it helps me so much
4.  i’m completely open now, but mostly anonymous
3.  i’m not sure if anyone i personally know reads this
2.  i never imagined myself being sober and in recovery, but i am, and i love it
1.  i’m grateful i took back my power and control of my life

if i still drank, today would be the day.

so ya know back in our drinking days, we had “those” days that made us want to start happy hour a few hours earlier, and just say “FUCK THIS DAY!” then you realize it’s only like 9:00 am.  It seems like every five minutes it’s SOMETHING ELSE.  you forget it’s your work day, and when you go to leave when you should be there, of course you’re not going to be able to find your keys.  luckily your boss doesn’t give a shit if you’re late because there’s a good chance you’re there before her, and its literally a two minute walk away but you’re lazy).  on the way there, you slip on something slippery in the woods and fall and bust your ass.  You whimper and whine the rest of your walk, and right before you get to the door, you get a call from the school to come pick up your puking kid.  So you get to miss work, and have all kinds of running around because you’re hosting a full moon circle later in the evening.  You forget stuff because your medication has you a total zombie, you half ass throw something together because you’ve felt too shitty to plan it and what little you DID plan did NOT go as planned, and you break you beautiful talking stick you made.  Not to mention all the times you tripped, or bumped your elbow, or head.

the last full moon circle i hosted, i was drunk.  i had to have almost a bottle of wine before anyone got there.  I don’t know why, I’ve never had a problem socializing sober.  Maybe I thought it would make it more fun?  i always made sure people knew it was byob, and i loved it when someone brought a bottle of wine.  a couple of people would have one, maybe two glasses and say “just keep it and enjoy” as they depart, leaving behind half a bottle of wine or more.  and we all know how that would end.

this time, i didn’t mention anything about byob, and i am now more open with my drinking and sobriety.  no one brought wine.  someone DID bring a fucking kick ass salad though.  despite a crappy day where every time i turned around something went wrong, i had a lovely evening with some wonderful women.

and you know what’s great??  I GET TO GET TO DO IT AGAIN TOMORROW!  I have Ostara ritual with my coven.  I am going to be at the West calling in and releasing during ritual, and I have YET to write my invocation.  But I’m just way too drained to do it tonight.  I need sleep.  It was a shitty day, where normally I’d have been thinking of my bottle of wine.  but honestly, alcohol hasn’t crossed my mind until i sat down to read blogs.  since it’s after midnight, i’m technically going to go ahead and say i have 85 days alcohol free.  the days are getting easier to deal with, even shitty ones like this. then i remember, one month ago i’d just lost my grandmother and was having much worse days and i stayed sober, i couldn’t let some mundane things beyond my control get to me.  i’m at a point in my sobriety where the first thought to an accident, or a problem, or a block, or because something isn’t going my way, my first thought isn’t “omfg i want a drink”, instead i pause and try to see how i can figure it out.  that is becoming normal for me, and i like it.  maybe this change is starting to change me just a little bit.

and OMG, tonight, after circle, i sat down and tallied up the donations, and wrote out a summary of the evening to have for my records.  i’ve NEVER done that.  ANNNNND, i made a to do list of shit i either need to do or need to have for tomorrow.  i don’t know if i’ll actually remember it tomorow, but hey, just the fact that i actually made one is a success.  i’m so excited to see what tomorrow’s celebration has in store.

the woman at the bar

i’m 34 years ago.  17 years ago, I was 17 years old.  holy shit, has it been that long?  i still feel like i’m 17.  anyway.  tonight, i was transported back in time.  i was 17, and i had never been drunk.  i’d had beers here and there and maybe a slight buzz once or twice, but that was about it.  my friend i ran around with at the time knew the owners of one of the bars here in town (both of them are long gone now), so she was able to go whenever she wanted and when we started hanging out i tagged along.  i was drinking a beer.  i didn’t even like beer.  i had to choke it down and hope i didn’t vomit.  god i was such a pathetic lightweight.  my friend was off playing pool or looking for someone who was horny and had two legs.  i was standing by the bar, and this lady, maybe late 40’s to early 80’s (she looked very rough, washed up, bleach blonde with 3 lbs of make up that caked in her wrinkles, cigarette in one hand and beer in the other, basically the “white trash” drunk woman you see in movies, but this was real life) started talking to me.

i wish i could tell you that she had some life lesson to give me, or had great words of wisdom.  but honestly, all i remember is that she slurred her words, and i cannot remember a single thing she said to me.  what i DO remember is thinking “oh god i hope i don’t end up like that one day.”  did i manifest this into my life in some way by saying that?  While I quite didn’t end up exactly like that woman, i came pretty damn close.  though i don’t have blonde hair, nor do i wear make up and drink beer, but i did wear my pajamas all the time unless i threw on a pair of jeans to go get wine, but most days the husband would pick it up for me on his way home.  so, i was sitting there on the couch, or outside smoking with a wine glass glued to my hand.  though the minor details differ just a bit, i became exactly what i said i didn’t want to become.

i’m having a tough time digesting that one.  i was young, dumb, and just out to have a good time.  plus, i was 17 and in a bar that even the cool kids couldn’t get into so i felt extra special.  never in my teenage mind did i ever think that i would end up with a drinking problem.  honestly, i never even thought about the future.  like, ever.  at all.  even as a young child.  i never had goals or aspirations of what i wanted to be when i grow up.  no one ever told me to think about my future or college or anything like that.  so i’ve done this whole life thing on the fly, riding along with other people because i don’t know how to do it on my own.  i’m just as confused about the future as i was 17 years ago.

i never saw her before or after that, and i live in a really small town.  everybody knows everybody.  maybe she had words i needed to hear, but i don’t remember them.  i think she was there, as a mirror to myself, and as a warning that i totally failed to see.  but tonight, i saw that message loud and clear.

i no longer have to be that lady at the bar.  i no longer have to be that woman who drinks wine on her couch every night.  i have the choice to be whoever i want, and i choose NOT to be those types of people any longer.  i remember looking at that woman, i was disgusted.  not by her personally, but that a person could allow themselves to be like that.  i couldn’t tell you how many times i’ve looked at myself with that same disgust.  i have the choice each day to be anything i can dream of, and each day it’s getting easier to make the good and positive choices.  in less than half an hour, i will have 80 days sober.  EIGHTY DAYS YALL.  THAT IS HUGE!!