just nod if you can hear me, is there anyone at home?

wow you guys. i totally forgot that i has this blog, it’s been well over a year since i last posted. life has so totally changed in many ways since december 2017. at this time one year ago, i was in michigan seeing a special guy friend. it was a much needed long weekend from the full time job i had gotten at a mushroom farm. things were going pretty well in my life. i was on decent terms with the soon to be ex husband, i had a guy in my life who couldn’t make a commitment due to distance but i still enjoyed talking to him and the trips i took to visit. i had a job i enjoyed, even though i was making very little money and paid under the table. but, it worked miracles for the downward spiral i was in when i first got the job.

a could of days after i returned home from my trip, i was having a conversation with the ex. we had been on good terms, friendly and actually talking a bit here and there. he admitted to me that he removed me as a friend from facebook, that he was happy i had found someone that made me happy, but he couldn’t bear to see me moving on. that he’d realized he had made a huge mistake by letting me go. two days later, i drive to florida to meet him. that was the first time we’d talked, other than hello in passing, in years. it was nice to communicate like that with him. ironically, we decided to give our marriage another try on april fools day of all days!

just a few days shy of one year later, we are doing as well as we can be living in separate states. he work in florida, he has since before we got back together. he has tried to move back here to georgia but there is just no money here for him to make. it’s absolutely booming where he is in florida. we are trying to come up with a plan of some sort because the distance thing is killing us all.

i worked full time and more at a mushroom farm for 13 months. when i started the job last january, i had just been diagnosed with bipolar and in the middle of a downward spiral. it gave me something to look forward to and put a little money in my pockets. at first i was working up to 16 hour days just to avoid being home when the husband was here since he was still the ex at the time. it became more than i could deal with. i worked outside and it was cold and miserable. if i only worked 40 hours a week, i made a dollar less than minimum wage. i never got a raise, just a flat $250 a week under the table no matter how much i worked.

we went on family vacation to the UK in february, which was amazing omggggg. when i got back, i was basically told i was being replaced by the guy brought in to help the farm while i was gone, because he is stronger and can do more things that i can’t do. but, after they’d given me shit the day before, i had already decided i wasn’t going back. my friends and husband told me for months that they were taking advantage of me, but it took me longer to see it.

i relapsed for a few months last summer. i made it to two and a half years, and it was a very planned and calculated choice on my part. it only took a few months before i could see it becoming a problem. i could also tell a HUGE difference in my bipolar symptoms. i was headed down a baaaaaad spiral. so one day at work, i was feeling kinda crappy and decided i’d had enough. i googled up the closest recovery meeting near me. there was an aa meeting that night so I decided to go. i had attended SMART recovery meetings a long time before, but they were almost an hour away at impossible times.

aa has been so helpful for me. i never realized just how much i needed fellowship with other sober people. before, i was the only sober person in my life. i had friends who were sober but they all lived in facebook. having that support network has been the best thing to happen to my recovery. it’s been just over six months since that day i walked into a meeting and i have not drank since.

i’m back, i’m ready for something big, and i’m not stopping until i get there.

23 months

so y’all, the other day, i hit 700 days sober. 23 months since i last had wine. i just can’t believe it. it seems like yesterday i was laying outside on the ground in the middle of the night crying because i didn’t know how to stop, but it also seems like a lifetime ago. if i were to meet that girl today, i wouldn’t even recognize her.

the last few weeks have been super sucky. it seems like it’s just one thing after the other, and i just can’t take it anymore. if i didn’t have kids, i’d throw all i could fit in my little car and take off. but i can’t do that. instead i have to sit here and figure things out. and by that i mean i’m going to sit here and play guitar and ignore all of my problems. which i am loving by the way. loving so much in fact that i had to go buy and electric. so now i have a pretty red and black stratocaster and he is beautiful and i love him so much. i take lessons once a week, and i’m also teaching myself at home as well. i think i’m finally learning how to read tablature, i mean, i can look at it and figure it out sorta. i don’t think i’m doing half bad for only have been playing for not even three months. my instructor has me working on ‘wish you were here’, and this week i’m starting to learn the solo, and omg. it’s damn near impossible. i’m definitely no david gilmour. i just taught myself the scooby doo theme song, because i’m a nerd like that, and tonight i started to learn tennessee whiskey. that’s the one i’m doing from tabs, but i can kinda get it. i can play a few others too. i’m really having a lot of fun with them. i had wanted to learn how to play since i was a teenager because i thought it would be the coolest thing ever. i guess i just thought everyone picked it up and started playing, that you had to have natural talent. oh how i was wrong. i mean, yeah i guess it does take some talent, but mostly practice.

guitar was always just one of those things that i couldn’t do. just like everything else. i used to automatically say “i can’t do that” to literally everything. i was so hard on myself, i had zero self esteem or confidence. i still remember the first time i said “i can do that”. it took a while for others to talk me into it, but i finally did it. it wasn’t anything big, just some small acrobatics at a retreat where someone laid on the ground and balanced me on their feet in the air. i felt like i was flying, and it was amazing. i remember yelling and laughing. after that, i started saying “i can do that” to more things. after my separation last year, i started doing lots of things. well, mostly going to concerts. concerts i never would have went to had i still been married. some of them probably, but no where near as many. if you have followed me for a while (well, when i was more active at posting), you know how much i love music. i’ve always loved music, and was in the school band from sixth grade on. i played the flute. i’m not sure if i truly enjoyed it then. i ended up pawning it in my early 20’s and i wish i hadn’t now. so it kinda surprises me myself that i waited so long to pick up the guitar. i tried, well, i say i tried, to play my daughters, which is a child size guitar she got for christmas many years ago. i think i tried three chords and decided that my fingers physically wouldn’t bend to play some of them so i gave up after a day or two. last year she got a ukulele for christmas, and s few months later i decided to try it since it was smaller. i found i could actually play it and went and got my own a few days later and fell in love with it. one day i decided to pick up her guitar again and actually try to see if i could do it. i guess playing on the ukulele helped because i found the guitar much easier this time. i took my time with the chords and practiced them more than two times. the first time i put a few together and actually made a decent noise, i knew i was in love and my ass was at the music store the next day buying my acoustic. i played around with it for a couple of weeks and decided i needed help, so i signed up for the free lesson that came with the purchase and have been doing them once a week ever since. after a couple of lessons my instructor said something about electric guitars, and i mentioned my daughter had one and he suggested i try it. well, i tried it, and guess what, i put a down payment on one at my next lesson and had it paid off and home about six weeks later. and i love it so much. get ready y’all, i’m going on world tour next summer and i’m gonna rock your socks off!

so many parts to a heavy heart..

..if there was no beginning, where would you start?  

i knew it would come, and i have been dreading it.  the day where  everything seems to turn to shit. but, im staying positive, and telling myself that i can’t control anything except myself.  im sure it has a lot to do with the fact i haven’t had a cigarette since monday.  

im taking way all of my fucking safety blankets.  why does anything that makes me feel better have to be bad for me?  so, last night, i forgot to shut the coop to my little chickens. this morning i let the dog out to pee, and yeah.  so im down three chickens this morning.  i don’t know if im more pissed at myself, my dog, or the fact that i can’t smoke.  

im having not so great side effects from quitting smoking too.  im all stuffy and phlegmy (omfg, my autocorrect tried to change that to phlegm you, wtf?), im hacking up nasty shit and coughing a bunch. my ears keep popping.  im gassy, bloated, and eating anything i can get my hands on.  fuck man, detoxing blows balls.  i think back to the other times ive quit, and i can’t remember it being this bad. like, when i quit 11 years ago, i remember all these nasty side effects because i though i was dying or something and we looked it it, luckily i wasn’t dying, it just felt like it.  

i quit before my last relapse.  i had like, three weeks or something without them.  i should go back and read my posts during that time and see if i can gain any insight.  i should have stayed away when i quit 11 years ago.  hell,then i could even have a little wine and be fine without them.  oh the days before the problems.   

is it possible to be in a good mood and a bad mood at the same time??  like, im having a shitty day, and im riding the emotional roller coaster in the front seat with a broken safety belt.  but i can see the good things, i am still seeing things positively, i know it’s just a bad moment, and that ill get through it.  

it’s also hectic because yesterday little kid turned nine, and tomorrow big kid turns sixteen.  so there’s all that baggage as well. but, it’s all good. my babies aren’t babies anymore, and now i feel like im not sure what to to or where i belong.  the little kid will complete third grade this year, so it’s not like i can claim the stay at home mom title anymore.  i have my job, that’s part time on the weekends.  so there’s that.   
oh!!  something very awesome, tomorrow i begin my SMART facilitator training.  it’s seemed like forever ago i signed up for it.  i didnt think this day would ever get here.  it says it’s work at your own pace and approximately 30 hours, so i should be done this weekend.  haha. but for real, my yoga training classes were like six hours, and i finished them all but one video in one day.  im really excited about starting.  

i also have my retreats to look forward to next month.  and at some point a trip to nc to check out the retreat center and make plans for the ceremonies and stuff.   im super excited.  i am so ready for some camping.  maybe me and the kids can go when school is out.  5 more days. 

i feel like this post is all over the place, as ive typed it out over the span of a couple of hours. different moods, you can see just how all over the place my brain is.  i guess im going to make a cup of tea and wander around the house in circles. 

attitude of gratitude

what a busy ass day today. but, im grateful. im grateful that im not sitting in my floor crying all day.  that’s what i was doing today a year ago. sobriety wasn’t even an option then, because i was about to go on vacation and hahahahaha wtf is a sober vacation?! (a sober vacation is something that makes you totally wonder why you stopped drinking)  but to my point, i was a ball of misery. all i could do all day was cry and mope.  i felt completely worthless. i sure as hell didn’t have anything to offer.  then come evening id drink about it, and somehow that fueled many ideas, but nothing ever came of most of them. somehow drinking made me feel like i might could do something, make a difference.  but sober i was a complete fucking wreck. 

it’s almost midnight, and i am sitting here just enjoying being. my iPad has iTunes on it, and i finally have access to a bunch of music i lost when i went to android. chapter of the forest by trevor hall is playing, the kids are gone, the husband is in bed, so it’s just me, my music, and a cup of hot blues away tea.  not that i have the blues, im quite content, but my tea bowl is embarrassingly low and it was the first one i grabbed. 

quiet time used to be my enemy.  i was either drinking, or fighting with my self over it.  what got me to thinking about all of this, at work this evening, i suddenly found myself thinking about that feeling when the wine first hits your empty stomach.  that churn, followed by that ahhhhhh…… then i snapped out of it and thought “what the hell,where did that come from?”  it wasn’t an urge or craving or anything, and as quickly as i thought that, i was like “woah, that’s not my life anymore.”  

and it isn’t.  im not a ball of misery anymore.  i do things.  things that matter.  things that are literally helping change the world. (check out wwww.globalmeditationscope.com, i do some of the social media stuff behind the scenes and i am also going to be a host for GMS)  i am certified to teach yoga.  i am training to be a priestess within my coven.  as soon as i do my readings, ill be a certified ethical psychic. im about to start training to be a SMART recovery facilitator, something i certainly wouldn’t have considered a year ago. my recovery has become such a part of my life, and i love my meetings but can’t go often due to distance, so damnit i am bringing them to me and doing it my damn self. 

who the hell IS this determined woman?!  where did she come from?  i really hope the above paragraph doesn’t come off as bragging.  i wanted to change my life because i was so fucking miserable, and i have done that.  im still doing it.  a year ago, if you told me id be any of those things, i would have broke down and cried because i knew there was just no way i could be someone like that. hell all i could do was cry. much less learn new things, or get up and do something.  

i am four and a half months into this recovery thing, and it’s going so much better than i ever expected. i didn’t think life would completely suck forever without alcohol, i guess i really didn’t have any expectations. certainly much better than my first attempt at quitting.  right now, i am exactly where i wanted to be.  i wanted to get rid of my addiction, so I finally shut up, started taking care of myself, and stopped making excuses to drink every day.  i wanted to know what it was like to not be miserable.  

i don’t know much, but damnit, what i do know is ive traded that misery for something much, much better.  one year.  how different would my life be if i removed alcohol for a year?  well, in four and a half months, it’s changed.  actually, it began changing in september of last year..so the last 9 months.  the month long relapse after two months really showed me i just can’t alcohol.  we don’t even. my stubbornness, commitment to an #alcoholfree2016, coming out publicly with my sobriety journey (this blog is still private and pretty anonymous and i like that, you guys get it, public doesn’t), and this newfound determination has kept me not just sober, but living, and thriving (well, almost, attempting to quit the damn cancer sticks starting June), and being happy and content.  

as my music album repeats, and my tea is cool and almost gone, i just sit here.  grateful.  grateful to feel again.  grateful to be happy with life.  grateful for all these opportunities.  holy shit, if i get all this in four and a half months, what am i going to end up with when I complete my alcohol free 2016!?  im grateful i have found a little bit of inner peace, im not constantly fighting with myself anymore.  my mind is able to focus on the task (or 384) at hand. i don’t obsess over drinking or not drinking.  y’all.  i seriously never thought i would be writing this post.  and i sit here, in awe, grateful that i just did. 

beltane..

ahh.. blessed beltane!!   full of love and fertility.  opposite from samhain on the wheel of the year, the veil is very thin between our world and the fae.  they are out in full force, and watch out because some can be sneaky little shits.  last night we had beltane ritual.  us priestess apprentices arrived early to get everything set up and ready.  we set up the circle, the HP (high priestess, not higher power) hung the flowers and ribbons on a tree for our maypole, set up the fire, and planned out ritual.

everyone began to arrive, it was great seeing all my sisters again, and we had two new faces join us.  i never had any sibling, and i was disappoint a lot in life because i didn’t.  i always wondered what it was like to have that bond.  to have someone so close, who knows every bit of you.  who you can tell your secrets to, who always has your back.  now, i have so many sisters i can’t even count.

we started our coven Mabon (in september) of 2014.  out of the 8 or 9 women who showed up to that first one, other than the high priestess, only two of us still come.  and again other than the hp,  i am the only sister who has been to every single ritual (i guess i’m like that person who’s in church every time the doors are open, haha).  in june, for summer solstice, we are hosting a retreat in north carolina, with lots of our california sisters flying out.  this is going to be a HUUUUUUUUUUGE deal.  our hp is actually going to be initiated officially as a HP.  these cali sisters, especially the founder of the dianic tradition, have been watching us closely.  they see what we are doing here.  we hope to become an official hive of the tradition.  this retreat will give us all the opportunity to show what we have learned, and what we are doing.  last year, at a retreat i wasn’t able to attend, the HP and another friend went, told me that all of a sudden, they needed someone to call in a quarter, and friend volunteered to do it.  they were so impressed by her jumping in, and said she did a fantastic job, and raved about her.  THAT is what we want them seeing.  things like that.  to show that we have much knowledge, and it shows them just how well we are being trained as priestess apprentices.

anyway, back to beltane.  you know, squirrels and shiny things.  so we had a beautiful meal of some citrus chicken, asparagus (that i made), green beans, salad, desserts, it was yummy.  then we sat around and let our food settle before going down to the circle.  we got down there, and in the middle of ritual, it came a thunderstorm.  it was so powerful.  we got SOAKING wet.  several of us were naked.  it was SO POWERFUL.  then i started to freeze as the fire started going out.  the rain poured.  i got bit by something on my foot.  but it was so much fun.  dancing naked in the storm, letting the water wash away anything that doesn’t serve me anymore, goddess, it was so freeing!  afterward we went back in, dried off, and had desserts.  i sat there cuddled under many blankets trying to get feeling back in my body.

it was really powerful.  it was really fun.  there were so many laugh.  i love it.  that’s one thing, we don’t take shit seriously.  if we fuck up calling in a quarter, we all laugh.  we eventually get the quarter called in.  we think goddess surely has a sense of humor as well or these things wouldn’t happen.  of course, we can be serious when needed, but our rituals aren’t focused on it.  some parts are more serious than others, but mostly we have fun and go with the energy.

i am beyond grateful to be a part of my sisterhood.  they are all so supportive of my sobriety, and make sure to accommodate that during ritual, by not having wine for cakes and ale, its usually some kind of juice or water.  like last night, holy shit, we had full moon storm water from the last full moon that our HP caught during the storm.  powerful shit right there, and along with the water falling from the storm into the cup, we drank some powerful stuff.

before i got sober, i’d have a couple of glasses of wine with the meal.  literally, two.  because i knew that in several hours i’d have to go home.  luckily, i was always somehow clear enough to know NEVER to drive after drinking.  i never did get behind the wheel buzzed or drunk.  in fact, i was even paranoid about the two glasses i’d had 4 or 5 hours earlier when i’d leave.  of course they’d worn off hours ago.  besides, i had a bottle waiting for me at home anyway.  so i’d come home after ritual and drink how i wanted to drink.

last night, i came home, played with my dogs, played on the computer for a while, and went to bed.  i slept so good, all night long.  i woke up at like 8 or so, and told myself it was too early, and went back to sleep until 9:30.  i haven’t slept past 7 in probably a month or more.  it was FANFUCKINGTABULOUS!  oh my goddess.  i needed that so bad.

the husband and kids went to alabama this weekend, leaving me home alone since i had ritual and i had to work.  i absolutely will NOT miss ritual.  i’d miss out on something else first.  the only time i’d miss is if there was a life or death emergency.  i’ve enjoyed having the time to myself.  it’s been nice.  but i miss everyone.  they are leaving to come home later today.

today marks the beginning of my 5th month on my #alcoholfree2016 journey.  i officially have four months sober.  wow.  i’m impressed with myself.  i actually should have seven months sober, stupid relapse.  but, six our of the last 7 months sober.  yall.  that is SO HUGE FOR ME.  i’m still mad at myself for relapsing, and so easily.  but, it is what it is, i can’t change it.  but, i know for sure that i can’t drink just one time.  i’ll drink the next night, and the next, and the next, then probably take a break for a week, then drink again.  that’s how it went when i relapsed.  it was for a month, but in reality, i only drank MAYBE 15 days out of the month, because i’d drink some, then not drink for a week or two, then drink, then stop for a few days.  so, not quite as frequent as before i quit, but i noticed i was drinking more when i did drink.  like, i’d finish my bottle of wine, then take a couple of shots of husbands vodka or whiskey that my brother in law left.  that wasn’t good.  so, i can’t drink like a normal person.  and i’ve finally accepted that as a fact.  as much as i’d like to want to someday, i just can’t.  and i don’t even miss it anymore like i did at first.  now that i’ve made it this long, i see how much better i am and how much better i feel without it.  i kinda miss the escape it brought, but not the drinking itself.  but, i enjoy feeling things again much more than escaping them.  each time i deal with a tough feeling and i don’t try to escape it, i come out a little bit stronger.

sobriety is fun.  sobriety is enjoyable.  sobriety is peaceful.  sobriety is feeling.  sobriety is much more than just not drinking.  sobriety is learning who you truly are and what you are capable of.  sobriety challenges you to punch your fears in the face.

no smoking inside the building

last night was one of those nights.  i have them every few months.  where i was up ALL FREAKIN NIGHT.  actually, i was up until 3:30.  still not fun, especially when you have to get up at 6:30.  i knew it was going to happen yesterday when i woke up after falling asleep on the couch for three hours during the day.  oops.  i’m one of those people that if i barely doze off i will be up all night.

i sat on the couch watching tv, something i don’t normally do.  i watched three hours of this show called salem.  cause witches, and it’s pretty ok.  it’s got that guy from that really cheese teen movie that still makes my husband cry, and he is SO FREAKIN HOT NOW.

i remember sitting here, many days, saying “i won’t drink today.”  i’d feel great, motivated, and ready to kick ass all day.  until about 4 pm.  after that it seemed absolutely impossible to stop drinking.  how, and what, do you do?  well, i figured that out 118 days ago.  i’m starting to do that with smoking.  like, yesterday i was soooo gung ho about quitting.  i was strong, i was good, i had it.  until i saw my cousin.  “don’t ask him for one,be strong.”  then what happens, he goes to get him one, and is polite and gets me one too.  of course, by the end of the night, i had got more.  now, i’ve wondered, did i get sucked into drinking because of this?  in july of 2005, i decided to quit smoking, and i did successfully for a year.  then i decided, well, i’ll just smoke when i drink.  back then i didn’t drink often.  sometimes on the weekneds, but never in the week.  before i knew it, i found myself reaching for a drink because i wanted to smoke.  there was a handful of times i took a shot during the day, not get drunk, literally just one, so i could justify having a cigarette.  every time i’d try to quit drinking, i’d automatically stop smoking too, since i only smoked when i drank.  i found myself freaking out quite often, it was horrible the first time, and throughout the year last year.  finally last year, i said i was quitting drinking, but i was still going to smoke, because i just couldn’t do both.  i was sober for just over a month when i quit smoking for three weeks.  almost three weeks later, my month long relapse started.  which really made me think more about the whole “what am i addicted to, or addicted to more?” question.  drinking and smoking are my two main health destroying vices (i’m gonna pretend like dr pepper and skittles aren’t quite as bad), and i’ve gotten rid of one so far, but these fucking cigarettes man.  FUCK.

i don’t even WANT to smoke.  like, i can literally feel the energy draining from my body as i smoke.  i know it makes me feel like shit.  because like yesterday, i felt great until i smoked.  you know how it feels when you stand up too fast and you have a head rush?  that’s how i describe feeling the energy draining.  except it doesn’t go all black and stuff like a head rush.  its a head rush without the visual part.  i cough quite often.  i don’t cough quite as much when i don’t smoke.  like, bad, hacking, gagging cough.  probably not good.  and my throat hurts and my nose is always stuffyed up.

it’s bad when it’s messing with my mind like this.  am i overthinking things?  i feel like i did when i was actively drinking.  though, cigarettes don’t make me forget things or do stupid shit, so it probably sounds lame to most people to be so worked up over this.  like drinking last year, i couldn’t go past about three weeks, and that’s where i seem to lose it when i quit smoking as well.  21 days to make a new habit my ass.  i’ve done it before, why can’t i do it again?  and i’ve said that if i can quit drinking, i can do ANYTHING.  apparently almost anything.  i have tools, but i don’t use them at the times i need to.  because i just go outside, i don’t think until i’m halfway finished with one.  i feel like i’m starting to go as crazy when i wanted to quit drinking.  i’m sick of them, but yet again, i’ve found myself chained to a substance and i don’t know how to break free.  or, have the willpower?  i don’t know.  i just know i want to stop.

early rambles

i woke up this morning at 5:30 on the dot.  i laid there for a minute contemplating getting up.  finally, i sprung out of bed, and like most normal and unnormal people, my first stop is the bathroom.  i started thinking “hmm, i feel good.  i’m awake, and i actually have some motivational energy.   ha, like that’s gonna do me any good at 6 am.  but, i have it.  and i’m not gonna complain.

i’m freaking out a bit because i have my full moon circle tomorrow night, and i haven’t planned anything.  i have an assistant who has something planned, but as far as ritual or anything..i got nothin.  i don’t know why i’m so freaking out.  because i’ve never planned anything before.  mostly because i was drunk.  i wanted to last month, but that was when the doctor had me on all those medicines for the headaches and sinus problem i had, and my brain was NOT working properly.  funny thing, it wasn’t even what i call “addict medicine” (you know, things like pain killers, or xanex, (basically ones people take to get high, and those are the only two i know of, i’m a wino).  i did have a pain killer, but i don’t think it was one of them, it was those fucking steroids that got me.  ugh.  anyway.  before that, i was ALWAYS drunk at them.

and it was great, because i was at MY house, so i could drink as much as i wanted.  i’d usually have at least two or three glasses before people arrived.  then of course others would bring wine (goddess love those freaks of nature, who drink one or two glasses and graciously left the rest with me, i’d end up with three bottles mostly full) and i just had to be a good host and have a glass of theirs when offered.  i don’t even remember a whole lot of them.  well, i know part of that is because in ritual we go in between the worlds, so even the soberest, when working with spirit it’s on that level, won’t remember a whole lot most times.  like, i NEVER remember what i say to people when i read cards.  if someone talks to me about it, i may be reminded of little things and be like “oh yeah”.  because it’s not really MEEEEE doing the reading, it comes from spirit, i’m just the vessel in which spirit uses.  sounds like some kind of weird possession doesn’t it?  ANYWAY.  i keep getting off track.  of course, the alcohol didn’t help me to not remember stuff.  i didn’t want to be drunk, i wanted a nice good feeling like everyone else, but unlike them i couldn’t stop.  i don’t know if people knew how drunk i actually was.

people always had fun, said what a great time they had, yada yada.  some circles i had 8-10 people, some no one came.  i didn’t have one november – feb.  november and december, the full moon fell right at the holidays (full moon was actually ON christmas), holidays were too crazy and no one had any time.  january one was scheduled, but i had to cancel it due to my grandmothers health, we had to be at the hospital.  she was still really bad off in february, and i didn’t even try to schedule one.  i think she died right after the full moon.  or right before.  one of the two.  take your pick.  like i mentioned, i was sober for the last one.  it went well with no plans at all.  even though things always work out, i always play it off as cool, but i’m panicking on the inside.

this is what i’ve been talking about the last, oh, i dunno, few weeks now?  this is part of my rut.  i procrastinate SO badly.  what i would LIKE to do, is spend some time throughout the month researching and planning my rituals.  i’d like to have everything planned out at least a few days in advance, so that way i can adjust something if needed.  while i love being spontaneous, it doesn’t seem to be working for me anymore.

i was about to say “i don’t know how to change that.”  and then it dawns on me how negative that is.  but, i suppose it’s a step up from the “i can’t do that” i always said up until a few years ago.  i’ve said “i don’t know” SO MANY TIMES LATELY.  i don’t know how to start my business, i don’t know how to get clients, i don’t know how to create a schedule/routine, i don’t know how to change, i don’t know anything it seems like.  so.  i’ve shifted from “i can’t” to “i don’t know”  at least now it sounds like i’m willing to learn instead of just denying it from the beginning.

don’t you just love it when you have “ah ha” moment after moment.  i can say the same thing about my recovery.  how many years and times did i say “i can’t stop drinking”?  after a long time, it turned into “i want so badly to stop, i just don’t know how to.”  and what did i do?  i just did it.  i just stopped.  it hasn’t always been easy, but i’m doing it, when i said for so long that i couldn’t.  not only that, me doing it has my husband doing it too.  that helps me out too.  so, i suppose i could do anything, i just have to figure out how.

maybe that’s my motivation for waking up so early.  so i could figure out what i already somehow knew.

reflection

you may be wondering why my blog looks different, and has a different title.  well, it’s simple.  things change.  i found my way to sober.  i’m not looking for it anymore, i’ve found it.  i’m thinking of editing or deleting some of the early posts, some of the really private stuff, and sharing this blog.  somehow, i have 63 followers.  woah.  do that many people really want to hear my crazy shit?  and, that’s without me sharing this blog, so i have no idea how in the hell they found me.  but, hello.

so…first off.  witchwaytosober was a name that came up while i was meditating one day.  almost a year ago.  and when you’re ready to start something you don’t sit there and think about long term (well, at least i didn’t anyway).  i think i started this blog in june of 2015.  i’m glad, well, not really, but you know what i mean, that it has several posts of when i was relapsing, and a failed attempt at 100 day sober challenge.  yeah, it was challenging so i did what i normally do, give up and hide.  getting sober was really hard.  much harder than staying sober.  at that time, i really was looking for a way to being sober.  i had no idea wtf i was doing, really.  until something just clicked at the end of september.  it was on the autumn equinox actually.  it lasted just over two months, and i suddenly slipped again and got caught back up in my normal cycle for a month before i got it together again.  my alcohol free 2016 is going amazing.

i am not the same person i was three months ago.  i’ve had a tremendous amount of growth in these very short 112 days.  i have MONTHS sober.  i’m not far away from doubling the time i had before my month long relapse.  20 days in fact.  i sit here in awe of that.  there was a time when i honestly thought there was absolutely no way i could ever stop, even though i wanted it SO badly.  maybe i wanted it TOO much and went in with the wrong mindset.  this year, i just kinda gave up.  i surrendered.  i decided that i would just ride the wave, no matter where it takes me.  it’s taken me to some places i didn’t want to go.  it’s crashed, leaving broken shells scattered about.  but it’s also taken me to some great places as well.  it’s taken me to yoga instructor certification, and its taking me to become a SMART recovery facilitator.  i’ve stayed sober though a vacation, the death of my grandmother, parties, and celebrations.  could it be that i’ve finally found what i’m looking for?  i know i say that every single time.  every time i’ve found THE way that is going to work for me THIS time.  truth is, there isn’t ONE way that works for me.  surrendering to the moment has allowed me to be more flexible in my sobriety.  i ask myself “what do i need right now?”  cravings are rare, so i don’t use that question very often for them, but i love it because i can use it for ANYTHING.  sometimes i need to meditate, sometimes i need to stop and do a couple of yoga poses, sometimes i need a cup of tea, sometimes i need to scream or cry or punch something.  sometimes i need to pull an oracle card for some guidance.  sometimes i need some reiki.  sometimes i need to go outside.  sometimes i need to paint.

i chose sober goddess, because damnit, i’m a goddess.  and i’m sober.  and it may help with a super long term idea i’m tossing around.  i’ve found my sober, and i’m ready to fully embrace my goddessness.   i think i’m almost ready to share this.  with some people anyway.  but as i said there is some stuff i don’t want visible, so i’ll have to go figure out how to fix that.  we all know i suck hard with technology.  i don’t even know how i got my colors and pictures changed.  but i figured it out, my own way.  just like i’m doing with this sobriety thing.

i was born a rambling man

first off..THE HUSBAND HAS REACHED 50 DAYS TODAY!!  like me, this is the longest he’s been sober in years.  i’m so super proud of him.

he was pissy this weekend, and very cleany.  i was NOT in a cleaning mood at all this weekend, i was in a gardening mood.  so, the house got cleaned.  and i planted a bunch of shit.  even though i’m in the best shape i’ve been in in years, I AM SO FUCKING SORE TODAY.  my coven also had clean up day at our circle, and i was the one blowing leaves.  every time i a leaf blower, my arms are like jello for days.  though, i have to admit, i did a pretty damn good blow job.  haha.

the other day, i was on my reader, and i realized that most of the days, i only see about 1 or 2 updates.  so this means a couple of things.  ONE, i’m surely not following enough people.  and two, well, i dunno.  a couple of things sounded better.  so.  i’m looking for blogs to follow.  i found a couple through other blogs.  and you know what that means, i can’t start with yesterdays post, i have to go all the way to the beginning and read the entire thing, so i can know what’s going on now.  good thing my house is clean so i can sit here all day reading blogs and not worry about getting nothing else done.

yesterday, i worked for almost an hour, and then went to my parents to help out my dad prepare for cooking burgers later.  i came home, and planted in the garden for almost 3 hours, went and ate, then went back to work for an hour, then came home and worked in the garden for a couple of more hours.  it’s nice to not get drunk every evening anymore. i would have came home from work, opened the wine, and walk out to the garden.  i might plant some stuff, in no order, with crooked ass rows.  this year, i took the time to measure out between the rows to get the lawn mower in between them, before i had just a small enough path for me to walk around stuff.  that resulted in SO MANY WEEDS.  i couldn’t keep up with it, and the garden ended up totally overrun by the weeds.  having a clear head, and not hung over, i was able to think about past years, and what i could try different.  i planted things in a totally different way than i ever have before.  also, i would have said “fuck it” after about two crooked rows, and call it quits because i’d be too buzzed to care about gardening anymore.  i worked until almost dark last night.

i received my SMART Recover facilitators handbook saturday in the mail, along with a box of random craft stuff from a friend.  i’m really excited about this journey.  i’d love to go to the womens meeting this morning, but, my gas light is on, and i have no money to put gas into my car.  i certainly won’t make an hour drive there, and an hour back on the little fumes.  in fact, i’m actually concerned if i’ll even make it to the gas station that’s about a mile and a half away.

so, i have a new goal, and that is to become organized.  i’ve NEVER been an organized person.  i’ve never been a routine/schedule person.  they drive me crazy and throw me off balance.  i’ve tried making a “to do” list each day, but unfortunately, nothing ever gets done, and i end up making the same list day after day.  it’s a great idea in theory.  but like, i want to get something really going with my business.  my yoga, card readings, reiki, whatever, but i don’t know how or what to do.  i think getting organized might help lead me there.  also, i wonder what has sparked this sudden urge.  this is not who i am.  like i said, i HATE stuff like that, so why am i wanting to do this?  how do i do it?  why can’t i be a normal adult like everyone else?  i swear, i feel like i still have the knowledge of a 17 year old.  i know NOTHING about adult stuff.  i don’t know how to pay bills, i don’t know anything about politics, or taxes, or what a deductible is, i don’t have or know anything about insurance, i have about $3 in my checking account, that i just got last year.  my license expired in december, and i’ve yet to get a new one.  I CAN’T DO THESE THINGS BY MYSELF!

how do you motivate yourself and grow and learn to adult?   i know that sounds stupid, but i really have no idea what i’m doing.  i just know i’m tired of sitting at home day after day.  i love my time and all, but i would like to take on clients and stuff, and make my own money.  i’ve never been able to support myself, ever.  i don’t know how.  i don’t want to go out and get a job i hate, i want to make my own way work (i’ve always been rebellious and wanted things MY way).  and seeing as i don’t NEED to work, i have that ability.  it’s weird, because i can look outside myself, as if i were someone else and think “she can do all of this stuff, and she’s sitting there wasting it!  she has all the time in the world and could be so great if she’d just do something!”  but then i come back to myself and all i see is that fear, i hear the voices that has always said “you can’t do that” (and there have been many, in my head and from other people), i see myself not being as good as others, i’ll never be successful (even though i know that’s not true and i CAN envision myself successful).  i see myself as stuck because i don’t have any money to do stuff.  so if someone wants to donate $200 for my summer solstice retreat, that would be GREAT, cause i need it asap, and i’m freaking out about it.  which then makes me dwell on the fact that i only have $3 in the bank, and ways to make money if i just knew how to be a better adult.

boy am i ball of mixed up today.  at least i’m in a good mood.  i’m feeling motivated this morning.  mentally, i wish my body would catch up.  i need to plant some more things.  i need to read more blogs.  i’m hungry.  actually, i’d be nice to go back to sleep.  i want to make a vision board.  i want to clean my healing room.  my brain is all over the place.  i don’t know what i want.  so i’m gonna sit here and eat skittles and read blogs.

one hundred plus two

*edit* i started this last night, but i literally fell asleep while typing, so technically it’s day 102.

so, in all of the vacation business, i didn’t get a chance to post, but i officially passed 100 days.  today makes 101 days i have not drank  i can’t believe it.  i never, ever thought i would ever see this amount of sober time.  it’s been hard at times, but i’ve made it.  here are 101 things i’ve discovered about myself and sobriety:

101.   sobriety is hard
100.  sobriety is easy
99.    i sleep so well when i don’t pass out after a bottle of wine
98.    life really can be fun without alcohol.
97.    my house stays somewhat cleaner
96.    i eat somewhat healthier
95.    i’m not really as bored as i thought i was
94.   cool things happen and i remember them
93.    i enjoy not feeling like shit all the time
92.    life can present some pretty cool opportunities
91.    my body doesn’t do as many weird things when i’m not drinking
90.    i like not having to worry if i’m dying because of those weird things
89.    i’d like to say i’m less patient, maybe just a tad
88.    i suck with money, and not drinking hasn’t saved me anything at all
87.    i wake up feeling refreshed most mornings
86.    sobriety sucks sometimes
85.    sobriety is awesome at times
84.    there are lots of emotions that come out
83.    i’m way more emotional than i ever thought i was
82.    i feel better physically
81.    i never knew i would feel as good as i do
80.   i think that is part of sleeping much better
79.   i’ve made self care more important
78.   i treat myself to salt and oil baths several times a week
77.   i say affirmations daily
76.   i try to do yoga daily, if not at least several times a week
75.   i am getting a pretty hot body from my yoga
74.   i enjoy meditating more
73.   its easier to meditate when my brain isn’t foggy
72.   i don’t dream very much in sobriety
71.   when i do, i barely remember them
70.  my intuition has definitely developed more
69.  hehehehe 69
68.   i still have all of my weirdness
67.   in fact, i do crazier things when i’m sober than when drunk
66.   like the other week when i wore a size 3T diaper and a superhero cape
65.   i ran around the living room proudly, and there is photographic evidence
64.   i did something else that was really dumb, but i can’t remember it now
63.   i survived my first sober vacation
62.   i didn’t think i was going to the last few days of it
61.   apparently i’m stronger than i think i am
60.  if i can survive my grandmothers death and stay sober, i can get through anything
59.   i still have moments where i feel like i’m not going to survive it
58.   as the days pass, the moments don’t come quite as often
57.   i can’t rush healing, so i take it day by day and go with the flow
56.   i am learning to honor ALL of my feelings
55.   even the ones i don’t like or want to feel
54.   each high and each low is an opportunity to learn and grow
53.   i’m discovering more about myself each day
52.  even though my routine hasn’t changes much, each day brings new things
51.   i’ve done things in these past few months i never expected
50.  like become a yoga instructor, now to put it to use somehow
49.  i still feel like a kid, and it is my mission to be more adultish
48.  i literally have no idea how to adult at anything
47.  i have no clue how to talk adult, i have no clue what a deductible is
46.  i want to start my own business, but i don’t know how to business
45.  and i don’t have any money to start a business
44.  i have faith that it will happen and fall in to place when the time is right
43.  i don’t feel awkward not drinking around people anymore
42.  it’s pretty easy to say no and not worry
41.  it’s totally my choice as to tell them why i dont drink or not
40.  i haven’t gotten a single bit of judgment so far for not drinking
39.  or for admitting my issues publicly
38.  that was really shocking, as i expected a lot of judgment
37.  i have the best family and friends and support system in the world
36.  i’ve totally traded in my alcohol addiction for a skittles addiction
35.  i am totally not ashamed either
34.  i’m actually starting to not feel ashamed about my drinking either
33.  i still have a lot there, but i’m slowly working on it
32.  i didn’t realize this list was going to get so hard
30.  101 things a lot more than i thought
29.  but, that’s me, i’m not one to think things through first
28.  i’ve always been like that, i’d rather jump in then think about it later
27.  i’m now on day 102, i had to stop last night because i was falling asleep typing
26.  i look forward to going to bed each night, grateful to be sober
25.  i enjoy waking up feeling good and ready to start my day
24.  i didn’t realize i had a hangover for almost 8 years
23.  i started my sobriety on a leap year
22.  that means my first year will have an extra day of sobriety
21.   i really enjoy reading books on people’s sobriety stories
20.  someday, maybe i could learn to write a book and write my own
19.  if you have any book suggestions, please share them with me
18.  now that i have almost 3.5 months sober, its time to start facing my fears
17.  i have all these dreams, but no idea how to reach them
16.  instead of fearing not knowing, i will be grateful i have the opportunity to learn
15.  this morning i said today is the day i punch my fears in the face
14.  i may not know what i’m doing, but i can do little things that lead to bigger steps
13.  sitting here just thinking isn’t getting me anywhere and i’m tired of feeling stuck
12.  i really want to get back to my SMART meetings
11.  i think i’m going to take the facilitator training soon
10. i love SMART Recovery and i want to bring it to my area
9.  cause it sucks driving almost an hour through road construction
8.  and we don’t really have any options here other than AA
7.  seven is my favorite number
6.  i’m grateful for this blog, and those of you who have stuck around
5.  it’s been almost a year since i’ve started this, and it helps me so much
4.  i’m completely open now, but mostly anonymous
3.  i’m not sure if anyone i personally know reads this
2.  i never imagined myself being sober and in recovery, but i am, and i love it
1.  i’m grateful i took back my power and control of my life