i realize i’m posting a ton today, i’m in a writing mood, and since i don’t know how to write, i figure i just write down thoughts. i went back to the beginning, in july, when i started this blog. ups and downs, it was interesting. it was almost like reading someone elses story going “omg i totally get that!” anyway..here are some gems i found:
maybe one day ill be one of those people who lets everyone know and and loud and proud about sobriety, but for now ill stay anonymous in the shadows in comfort.
i’m actually feeling bold and trying to think of ways to begin talking about addiction, sobriety, and recovery. i want to, but i’m not really sure where to begin.
i declared that i was going to be alcohol free this year no matter what. that alcohol was not even an option to me. i began this because i wanted to see just how much my life can change in a year of not drinking. so far, so good. i’ve had some freakin amazing opportunities come my way already and ahhhh!!! it’s so awesomeeee! and it’s only been 40 days! imagine how much change i’ll have as the days go by and i hit 100 days
in the 2.5 months so far, i can’t believe the incredible changes that have already happened.
today, someone who is still struggling told me that i am an inspiration and a motivation for them. they see what i am doing and want what i have.
now, right after that last one, i immediately went into bashing myself “i’m not an inspiration” “i’m the last person who should be inspiring” yada yada yada. i sit here at three and a half months sober, and i think back at the me a year ago. i was pretty damn impressed with anyone who could make it longer than three days. when someone say they had 3, 4, 5, or 6 months sober, i’d be so envious because i couldn’t make it past a week if i was lucky to make it that long. people with YEARS?! ha! forget that. i’ll never make it that far. they all seemed so sure of themselves. then here’s me, sitting here chugging wine while reading sober forums. can anyone explain what kind of fucked up logic THAT is?!
i sit here now, with my little 3 and a half months, literally in awe of where i am. it sure hasn’t been easy. it’s been fun, it’s been awful. i’ve had to change in ways i didn’t think i could. i’ve had to do things i didn’t want to do. i’ve also done some pretty awesome things i wanted to do and didn’t think i could do. i still have my days where i feel worthless, but they are starting to get a little bit less often.
i wanted this year to be a “new year, new me” type thing. i haven’t had a drink at all in 2016, so there’s that, but not a whole lot else has changed. which is the rut i’ve been talking about lately. it’s like i just don’t know what to do next. i wanna be a better housekeeper, i want to be more organized and scheduled (tips appreciated), i want to stop wandering around the house day after day after day after day starting something and not finishing it, and staring off into space because of having nothing to do. or, feeling like i have nothing to do. turns out i have tons of shit to do, but i feel so overwhelmed. i see everything at once that needs done. like, my house. we clean it, and maintain for a few days, then it goes to shit because everyone stops doing stuff. then *i* get overwhelmed. i get i don’t work and i’m here all day, but it really shouldn’t be all on me, and trying to clean up for three other people as well as myself, it sucks. a lot. i want to find a way to make it work where we all pitch in, and no one whines and complains. i hope this doesn’t sound whiny, because i’m not whining. maybe if i get this OUT of my head, i’ll create space for something new to come in, possibly just what i’m looking for. like, i want to get clients and get my business started. but i don’t know how, and i don’t know where to start. but i don’t make the time for that, even though i have more than enough time. i want to fix up my website that needs updating badly. i have all the time, but instead i get on the computer and end up doing something else. usually reading blogs. instead of doing a painting, i’ll do a background, and get into something else while it’s drying, and i end up with a bunch of canvases that’s only backgrounds. i have all the motivation in the world, i just don’t know what to do with it.
something’s gotta give. i know it will, hopefully soon i’ll get my information on starting my facilitator training. i am looking forward to that, i’m just super impatient. lol ahh. i have the energy to clean my house, now i need the motivation to do it. usually it’s the opposite.
Sober Goddess 