reflection

you may be wondering why my blog looks different, and has a different title.  well, it’s simple.  things change.  i found my way to sober.  i’m not looking for it anymore, i’ve found it.  i’m thinking of editing or deleting some of the early posts, some of the really private stuff, and sharing this blog.  somehow, i have 63 followers.  woah.  do that many people really want to hear my crazy shit?  and, that’s without me sharing this blog, so i have no idea how in the hell they found me.  but, hello.

so…first off.  witchwaytosober was a name that came up while i was meditating one day.  almost a year ago.  and when you’re ready to start something you don’t sit there and think about long term (well, at least i didn’t anyway).  i think i started this blog in june of 2015.  i’m glad, well, not really, but you know what i mean, that it has several posts of when i was relapsing, and a failed attempt at 100 day sober challenge.  yeah, it was challenging so i did what i normally do, give up and hide.  getting sober was really hard.  much harder than staying sober.  at that time, i really was looking for a way to being sober.  i had no idea wtf i was doing, really.  until something just clicked at the end of september.  it was on the autumn equinox actually.  it lasted just over two months, and i suddenly slipped again and got caught back up in my normal cycle for a month before i got it together again.  my alcohol free 2016 is going amazing.

i am not the same person i was three months ago.  i’ve had a tremendous amount of growth in these very short 112 days.  i have MONTHS sober.  i’m not far away from doubling the time i had before my month long relapse.  20 days in fact.  i sit here in awe of that.  there was a time when i honestly thought there was absolutely no way i could ever stop, even though i wanted it SO badly.  maybe i wanted it TOO much and went in with the wrong mindset.  this year, i just kinda gave up.  i surrendered.  i decided that i would just ride the wave, no matter where it takes me.  it’s taken me to some places i didn’t want to go.  it’s crashed, leaving broken shells scattered about.  but it’s also taken me to some great places as well.  it’s taken me to yoga instructor certification, and its taking me to become a SMART recovery facilitator.  i’ve stayed sober though a vacation, the death of my grandmother, parties, and celebrations.  could it be that i’ve finally found what i’m looking for?  i know i say that every single time.  every time i’ve found THE way that is going to work for me THIS time.  truth is, there isn’t ONE way that works for me.  surrendering to the moment has allowed me to be more flexible in my sobriety.  i ask myself “what do i need right now?”  cravings are rare, so i don’t use that question very often for them, but i love it because i can use it for ANYTHING.  sometimes i need to meditate, sometimes i need to stop and do a couple of yoga poses, sometimes i need a cup of tea, sometimes i need to scream or cry or punch something.  sometimes i need to pull an oracle card for some guidance.  sometimes i need some reiki.  sometimes i need to go outside.  sometimes i need to paint.

i chose sober goddess, because damnit, i’m a goddess.  and i’m sober.  and it may help with a super long term idea i’m tossing around.  i’ve found my sober, and i’m ready to fully embrace my goddessness.   i think i’m almost ready to share this.  with some people anyway.  but as i said there is some stuff i don’t want visible, so i’ll have to go figure out how to fix that.  we all know i suck hard with technology.  i don’t even know how i got my colors and pictures changed.  but i figured it out, my own way.  just like i’m doing with this sobriety thing.