birth day

it the little kids birthday today!  she turns NINE years old.  that means my dog is almost ten.  it crazy how the time seems to go so slow, yet so quick at the same time.  ive been sober for four and a half months, and at this moments it seems like forever, sometimes it seems like yesterday. my daughters birth seemed like a freakin lifetime ago.  I was a completely different person then, i hadn’t developed my drinking problem then. hadn’t drank in almost a year, i was pretty healthy, i had stopped smoking cigarettes.  

im determined to get that back.  i haven’t had a cigarette since monday, some moments suck, but i work through them.  i want to work on healing from the birth, i think that may have a lot to do with me starting drinking.  i had planned a natural birth at home, but i ended up being high risk at the end as i developed toxemia, they were concerned i was going to start having seizures and that i needed to be induced immediately.  i was devastated, and an emotional wreck through the whole thing.  after my doctor said i had depression and gave me some medicine for it.  after a week, i quit taking it because i literally didn’t sleep at all that week so i was even more of a mess.  i felt better after i quit taking them and swore them off forever.  

i guess we started drinking when she was around 8 months old.  we bought a house when she was a month old, and started drinking not long after we moved in. it’s like one day a switch flipped.  from drinking maybe one or two weekends a month to digging through change for a $2 bottle of wine every day.  i mean, seriously.  it was that quick. one day we were both fairly normal drinkers, and then all of a sudden BAM!  we both have a drinking problem. 

i have beat myself up so long, feeling like a failure over her birth.  yes, we were both healthy and happy and all that shit, but i felt like something i had dreamed of for years was suddenly taken away just before I reached it.  i have cried over it so much, i still hurt over it.  nine years later.  i know i’m not a failure and all, but i don’t know how to get over the hurt and anger i feel at the universe. and it’s not like i can get it back.  i dont get a retry.  i more feel like my body failed me.  it sucks, because it’s a beautiful day outside, and it’s going to be a good afternoon, but now i have this on my mind, and the tears are flowing. i wish i could fix this.  im just going to curl up with a cup of tea and cry.