attitude of gratitude

what a busy ass day today. but, im grateful. im grateful that im not sitting in my floor crying all day.  that’s what i was doing today a year ago. sobriety wasn’t even an option then, because i was about to go on vacation and hahahahaha wtf is a sober vacation?! (a sober vacation is something that makes you totally wonder why you stopped drinking)  but to my point, i was a ball of misery. all i could do all day was cry and mope.  i felt completely worthless. i sure as hell didn’t have anything to offer.  then come evening id drink about it, and somehow that fueled many ideas, but nothing ever came of most of them. somehow drinking made me feel like i might could do something, make a difference.  but sober i was a complete fucking wreck. 

it’s almost midnight, and i am sitting here just enjoying being. my iPad has iTunes on it, and i finally have access to a bunch of music i lost when i went to android. chapter of the forest by trevor hall is playing, the kids are gone, the husband is in bed, so it’s just me, my music, and a cup of hot blues away tea.  not that i have the blues, im quite content, but my tea bowl is embarrassingly low and it was the first one i grabbed. 

quiet time used to be my enemy.  i was either drinking, or fighting with my self over it.  what got me to thinking about all of this, at work this evening, i suddenly found myself thinking about that feeling when the wine first hits your empty stomach.  that churn, followed by that ahhhhhh…… then i snapped out of it and thought “what the hell,where did that come from?”  it wasn’t an urge or craving or anything, and as quickly as i thought that, i was like “woah, that’s not my life anymore.”  

and it isn’t.  im not a ball of misery anymore.  i do things.  things that matter.  things that are literally helping change the world. (check out wwww.globalmeditationscope.com, i do some of the social media stuff behind the scenes and i am also going to be a host for GMS)  i am certified to teach yoga.  i am training to be a priestess within my coven.  as soon as i do my readings, ill be a certified ethical psychic. im about to start training to be a SMART recovery facilitator, something i certainly wouldn’t have considered a year ago. my recovery has become such a part of my life, and i love my meetings but can’t go often due to distance, so damnit i am bringing them to me and doing it my damn self. 

who the hell IS this determined woman?!  where did she come from?  i really hope the above paragraph doesn’t come off as bragging.  i wanted to change my life because i was so fucking miserable, and i have done that.  im still doing it.  a year ago, if you told me id be any of those things, i would have broke down and cried because i knew there was just no way i could be someone like that. hell all i could do was cry. much less learn new things, or get up and do something.  

i am four and a half months into this recovery thing, and it’s going so much better than i ever expected. i didn’t think life would completely suck forever without alcohol, i guess i really didn’t have any expectations. certainly much better than my first attempt at quitting.  right now, i am exactly where i wanted to be.  i wanted to get rid of my addiction, so I finally shut up, started taking care of myself, and stopped making excuses to drink every day.  i wanted to know what it was like to not be miserable.  

i don’t know much, but damnit, what i do know is ive traded that misery for something much, much better.  one year.  how different would my life be if i removed alcohol for a year?  well, in four and a half months, it’s changed.  actually, it began changing in september of last year..so the last 9 months.  the month long relapse after two months really showed me i just can’t alcohol.  we don’t even. my stubbornness, commitment to an #alcoholfree2016, coming out publicly with my sobriety journey (this blog is still private and pretty anonymous and i like that, you guys get it, public doesn’t), and this newfound determination has kept me not just sober, but living, and thriving (well, almost, attempting to quit the damn cancer sticks starting June), and being happy and content.  

as my music album repeats, and my tea is cool and almost gone, i just sit here.  grateful.  grateful to feel again.  grateful to be happy with life.  grateful for all these opportunities.  holy shit, if i get all this in four and a half months, what am i going to end up with when I complete my alcohol free 2016!?  im grateful i have found a little bit of inner peace, im not constantly fighting with myself anymore.  my mind is able to focus on the task (or 384) at hand. i don’t obsess over drinking or not drinking.  y’all.  i seriously never thought i would be writing this post.  and i sit here, in awe, grateful that i just did.