this morning i had an ah ha moment. a guy who reads poetry every morning on periscope was live, and i hadn’t been on his scope in a while so i joined in. i mentioned that i had almost 9 months sober, and someone asked me “what are you about to birth?” it dawned on me that i have been sober for almost an entire human gestational period.
what am i about to birth? i planted these seeds back in january. i have tried to nurture them as best as i could. i had a dream several months ago that i was pregnant. I asked some of my witchy friends about it. as in my dream, i wasn’t happy about it, but i wasn’t sad about it. some of my witchy friends told me that im gestating something, and that if i don’t nurture it, it could miscarry. so i decided to accept whatever comes and do the best i could with it.
last night i had music playing and tom petty came on. one of my most favorites ever. i had heard the some many times, but this time the lyrics hit me like a cosmic two by four. “time to move on, time to get going, what lies ahead i have no way of knowing. but under my feet, baby, grass is growing. time to move on, time to get going.” it’s like the universe was screaming at me. tell me i need to move from this stagnation i have found myself in. goddess fest and the beach house gave me some great insight on myself, and now it’s time to put what i have learned to use. i just wish i could figure out what that is.
today is mabon. the autumn equinox. i can feel the fall magic in the air. last year on mabon, i quit drinking. tomorrow would have been one year if i hadn’t had my relapse after two months. but instead of kicking myself for it, i now know that it was just part of my journey. a plot twist thrown in to make my story more…interesting? dramatic? pitiful? it does make a great introduction to my book. whatever, it just had to happen. i can’t change it, and instead of dwelling on it negatively, im choosing to look at it as a step. and since my ass is clumsy as hell, i missed a few of those steps and tumbled my ass back down to the bottom. im glad it wasn’t far to fall. just a few bumps and bruises to the ego and myself. this time, i have learned to hold on to the railing with a death grip and i refuse to let go no matter how hard something is trying to pull me from it.
today makes 266 days sober, and in 100 days, i will be sober for a year. leave it to me to start o. a leap year and having an extra day to go. but that’s me, go big or go home. i tend to do things the hardest and longest ways possible. one of the things on my 2016 vision borard was “do you dream of writing a book.”. because i wanted to write a book. a few weeks ago, i started working on a book. i decided to write a book on my alcohol free 2016 journey. i doubt it will get published, but it’s something i want to do for myself. im so grateful that i have blogged this journey, because my memory sucks balls. like, I can remember shit from being a kid, and from past lives, but i can’t tell you what i did yesterday, or three months ago. so i have used my posts to jog my memory. i didn’t realize just how big of a journey this has been. it’s been really emotional, and when writing about those times, i am brought back to those moments. where i am now, i can see just how much strength i had at times. i have never felt like a strong person, though everyone else sees it. i cannot see it in the present moment, but i can see it now. when i was writing about the experience of my grandmothers death, and reading those memories, i don’t know how i did it. i didn’t even have two months under my belt when it happened, any other time i would have went straight to a bottle of wine. but i didn’t. i held on to that railing tight, and i know she was behind me holding me up.
today is the day i move on, the day i get going. i may not know what the fuck im doing, or which way or where im going, but damnit im going and im doing it.
Sober Goddess 