too much rambling for you to actually read

i’m not sure if my bitterness comes from them and how i was treated, or at myself for allowing it to happen and continue. either way, part of me is totally okay with it, but the other part of me is bitter and wishes she had no conscious. totally fucked up thinking and i completely realize it. but, it’s how i feel. and if i hide or deny these feelings, they will keep eating at me and lead me down that damn spiral again. i’m teetering in the edge as it is, i don’t need to go any further. so instead of spreading negativity and anger, i am going to let this post marinate in drafts for a while. as long as its outside of me at the moment. perhaps one day i’ll be able to let go.

this is the last paragraph of a huge post i just finished. i needed to write, but i really didn’t have a topic (do i ever really?). the first paragraph was normal, but after that it turned into a huge bitchfest over losing my job. from what i have learned in aa, that can lead to a resentment, which isn’t good for someone with an alcoholic mind.

but wait, there’s more! let’s throw in a heaping scoop of bipolar to make even more fun! i don’t know if my three readers have any experience with bipolar, just let me tell you it makes life…interesting to say the least. sometimes, you do these wonderful things while you’re manic that you don’t even remember! like get into a fender bender in town, cuss out the people and the police, thank goddess my daughter was driving through town and saw me and picked me up and brought me home. i had no idea until the next day when my friend called asking if i wanted to go pick up my car. oops.

by the way, that was my absolute lowest point. and i was just over two years sober. a couple of days later i went to the doctor and got on medication. it worked wonders except for the fact it made me sleep for literally 15-16 hours a day. a couple of weeks later i started said job i just had a bitch fit about. i had a pretty cool guy in my life, except for the fact he lived 650 miles away and didn’t want to make a commitment because of distance, and those had worked wonders for my mental health. i stopped the medication about two months later. i was going to visit my guy and had ran out of medicine and didn’t have time to get refills so i figured i would when i got back. since the medicine made me so tired it was hard to get through work. i felt okay and tried going without it. that was exactly a year ago. i know because memories of my trip to michigan showed up on my snapchat the other day.

this is the lowest i’ve been in a year. my mom almost died from drinking back in october. she’s doing okay at the moment, but she still struggles. i rarely get to see my husband, we haven’t really had any time alone to ourselves since the end of january, when i went down on our anniversary weekend. i lost my job. honestly, with everything that stresses me out, i’m not anywhere near as bad as i could easily let myself get to right now. i have tried my hardest to stay positive. after all, i did manifest what i asked for. i did want to quit, but i wanted to have an actual plan first. so i’m taking this opportunity to take advantage of things i can.

i want to be a life coach of some sort. there are lots of ways to make money online. i have a friend who is a certified coach who will do my training and certification. all i need is a computer and a bank account. two simple things most normal adults have. well, i have either. we have several laptops actually, but none of them function properly for running a business or using skype. one of them the mouse will decide randomly to go haywire and open and close and click things all over the screen. i cannot be in the middle of an important call and have that happen. and yeah, i am almost 40 years old and i do not have a bank account. i have never had a credit card. i have no income to even open and put money into any kind of account. i have cashapp for my husband to send money and that’s it. it’s like these two things that are so simple to most people, are huge blocks in my life that hold me back.

i am glad mercury is finally direct again. though this retrograde has actually been pretty inspiring and motivating for me, i am ready to figure out a way to move forward. me, the girls, and two of the dogs are leaving either tomorrow or saturday to spend spring break next week in florida. i am hoping time away from sitting in this house can help me get a fresh perspective. after being holed up in my bedroom for over a week, goddess knows i need it. i went to a meeting tuesday, i hadn’t been since last tuesday. my daughter and i also went to our ostara ritual sunday. ever since the breakdown of the coven, we’ve kept the circle small. there are five of us who meet. two of us are me and my kid. we will continue to keep the coven and ritual a small circle, but we are building up our goddess temple. we have our building in place, and a deck built on thanks to a generous donation. we have a fundraiser going on facebook because we have a ton of work to do. it is basically an empty shell. we hope to have it done by fall to host our first retreat. i am super excited about all that.

i go back and forth sitting here, dwelling on the good things and feeling inspired, then on the negative things and feel defeated. bipolar is so fun y’all. the emotional roller coaster really is a thrill.

i want to write a book, so last night while working on things i was thumbing through books i have and i found this. i don’t remember what it was for r why i wrote it, or when i wrote it. i don’t remember it at all. but it was the perfect thing i needed at this time.

today i forced myself to get out of the house other than to find food. i decided to take my girls and my dog to the creek. two of the dogs are going to florida with us, and i wanted to see how she would do around water. we’ve always wanted a water dog and none of the ones we have had liked water. oh lilith had so much fun y’all!! she wanted to get in on her own but was iffy. she had no problem going in with me though. we hiked a bit, and she scaled the side of the mountain and even jumped from one rock across the water to a rock my daughter was on. she did great and i can’t wait to see how she does at the beach. none of our dogs have ever been lap dogs either until her. i basically kept her up my ass when she was a puppy hoping she would be. i got her when i was separated and living back here in the side area of the house. she was the only friend i really had until the husband and i got back together, i even took her to work with me, so we were literally never apart. she even slept beside me in the bed on her own pillow just as if she were my human child. spoiled to say the least.

today was a good day for my mental health. i wish i had went to more meetings and reached out. i do have a sponsor but i suck at using her. i am so awful about reaching out. i don’t know why, because i know i would never hesitate to be there for someone in need and i make sure people know that, yet i don’t take my own advice. i know I’m not a burden or spreading negativity and that’s what my aa people are there for, but i just don’t use them. i know i need to. i have been in the program for 6 months now, and have had a sponsor for 5 of those. we have only met once, because i don’t reach out. i need to find a way to overcome this and deal with my shit.

i’m glad i stumbled back upon this blog. i can’t believe i forgot all about it. i love having this outlet. i can get stuff out of my head, and i can go back and see growth and progress i have made. i know i write super long posts with no topics that go in totally random directions and am not all fancy and pretty like most bloggers out there. i don’t know how to properly blog, i know nothing of english or how to properly write anything. while working on my book the other night, i got stuck and people started talking about outlines and rough drafts and editing and shit. i thought you just sat down and wrote from beginning to end. then you get it published if you want. so i may have to scrap that idea because that is way above my comprehension. i literally know nothing other than how to this blog other than a place to collect my thoughts. a journal sort of. i have no idea if anyone actually reads these long ass random things i spew. i write for me and my sanity. when i wasn’t writing here, i was writing in google docs. but i would love to reach more people, maybe someone out there can benefit from my fucked upness. but i don’t know how to do any of that kind of stuff. I can barely send a text and use facebook. even this free wordpress blog is almost too complicated for me. so journal it is for now.

it’s 4 am, my sleep is all messed up. between this post and the one i didn’t post, i have been writing fo four hours. my hand has a bruise from the binder i have my ipad and hands resting on. i need sleep, but the little kid gets up in two hours for school, and lately if i do sleep at night, i sleep through alarms. i have four set on my phone, loudest noise as loud as it goes. i have problems with the clock app freezing so my alarms will stop and i really don’t wake up. so i bought a real alarm clock. the package said loud beeping. i have it across the room so i have to get out of bed to hit snooze or turn it off. i keep my phone where i have to get out of bed to turn those alarms off as well. i get up and hit snooze without realizing it. every nine minutes. it gets to the point where i sleep through it, it doesn’t wake me up. my oldest will come in yelling at me to turn it off because it wakes HER up. my husband facetimes the kid before school, and if we don’t answer he calls the big kid to wake me up. it’s bad y’all.

now that i’m not working, my sleep cycle has gone crazy. i go to sleep at about 8 am or so, sometimes 9 or 10. and sleep until about 2 or 2:30. yesterday i forced myself to get out of bed at 12:30, after only sleeping about two and a half hours. i thought surely i would be tired enough to go to sleep by 11 or so. i was exhausted and nodded off for a minute. exhausted as i am, it’s 4:14 and i am still awake. i am gonna shut up and call it a post. kudos and apologies if anyone made it all the way to the end.

just nod if you can hear me, is there anyone at home?

wow you guys. i totally forgot that i has this blog, it’s been well over a year since i last posted. life has so totally changed in many ways since december 2017. at this time one year ago, i was in michigan seeing a special guy friend. it was a much needed long weekend from the full time job i had gotten at a mushroom farm. things were going pretty well in my life. i was on decent terms with the soon to be ex husband, i had a guy in my life who couldn’t make a commitment due to distance but i still enjoyed talking to him and the trips i took to visit. i had a job i enjoyed, even though i was making very little money and paid under the table. but, it worked miracles for the downward spiral i was in when i first got the job.

a could of days after i returned home from my trip, i was having a conversation with the ex. we had been on good terms, friendly and actually talking a bit here and there. he admitted to me that he removed me as a friend from facebook, that he was happy i had found someone that made me happy, but he couldn’t bear to see me moving on. that he’d realized he had made a huge mistake by letting me go. two days later, i drive to florida to meet him. that was the first time we’d talked, other than hello in passing, in years. it was nice to communicate like that with him. ironically, we decided to give our marriage another try on april fools day of all days!

just a few days shy of one year later, we are doing as well as we can be living in separate states. he work in florida, he has since before we got back together. he has tried to move back here to georgia but there is just no money here for him to make. it’s absolutely booming where he is in florida. we are trying to come up with a plan of some sort because the distance thing is killing us all.

i worked full time and more at a mushroom farm for 13 months. when i started the job last january, i had just been diagnosed with bipolar and in the middle of a downward spiral. it gave me something to look forward to and put a little money in my pockets. at first i was working up to 16 hour days just to avoid being home when the husband was here since he was still the ex at the time. it became more than i could deal with. i worked outside and it was cold and miserable. if i only worked 40 hours a week, i made a dollar less than minimum wage. i never got a raise, just a flat $250 a week under the table no matter how much i worked.

we went on family vacation to the UK in february, which was amazing omggggg. when i got back, i was basically told i was being replaced by the guy brought in to help the farm while i was gone, because he is stronger and can do more things that i can’t do. but, after they’d given me shit the day before, i had already decided i wasn’t going back. my friends and husband told me for months that they were taking advantage of me, but it took me longer to see it.

i relapsed for a few months last summer. i made it to two and a half years, and it was a very planned and calculated choice on my part. it only took a few months before i could see it becoming a problem. i could also tell a HUGE difference in my bipolar symptoms. i was headed down a baaaaaad spiral. so one day at work, i was feeling kinda crappy and decided i’d had enough. i googled up the closest recovery meeting near me. there was an aa meeting that night so I decided to go. i had attended SMART recovery meetings a long time before, but they were almost an hour away at impossible times.

aa has been so helpful for me. i never realized just how much i needed fellowship with other sober people. before, i was the only sober person in my life. i had friends who were sober but they all lived in facebook. having that support network has been the best thing to happen to my recovery. it’s been just over six months since that day i walked into a meeting and i have not drank since.

i’m back, i’m ready for something big, and i’m not stopping until i get there.

stupid life

well, there’s one step taken care of.  we told the girls tonight that we are splitting up. the big one took it hard, the little one was like oh ok.  pretty much as i had expected. i thought i was doing ok. i was feeling good, well, ok anyway.  yesterday morning i asked if we could just go as head and tell them because i was tired of hiding and holding it all in. i wasn’t thinking about him having to go into work. i asked him if he was sure this is what he really wanted and he said “right now, yes.”  i was stupidly hoping that the time away might have helped. but no. he’s sure. i don’t want this.  but i know i can’t change how some one feels, and i can’t make them love me. 

im so angry, not at him, but at myself. where did i fuck up?  when did i stop being the wife he needed? what did i do to cause him to not love me anymore?  and don’t even give me the fucking “you didn’t do anything wrong” bullshit, because if i didn’t, he would still be in love with me. im so goddamn sick of hearing that.  obviously i did something at some point, or didn’t do something, or he would still be in love with me and want to fight for me.  but no, im not worth fighting for. 

this isn’t how it’s supposed to be.  i don’t want to lose my husband. at this point, id rather stay unhappy.  i can deal with being unhappy, i can’t deal with this gut wrenching pain that is physical and emotional.  i don’t feel like i can be happy again anyway. not even talking about with someone, im talking just in general. i can’t function as anything but a lump of useless mess. i just cry. a lot.  i swear, this has been so much harder than losing people death. even the sudden unexpected ones. because i can still see him, i can still talk to him, but i cannot have the one thing i want.  ill never be wrapped tight in his arms again. no more kisses.  and holidays.  and im losing half of a family that i love dearly. 

i just wish i could wake up from this horrible nightmare. this can’t be real. it just can’t. every morning i think “damn, another day.”  god.  even when i was drinking i wasn’t this miserable. maybe because i knew deep down that it really was me that had control of my drinking.  but this, i have no control over.  none whatsoever. i made the conscious choice daily to go get wine, and to drink the bottle. i cannot control or choose something for someone else. i cannot control my broken heart. i cannot make someone love me. all i can do is cry for what used to be, and what will never be again. 

i am so incredibly tired, but i can’t sleep. partly because im staying at my parents tonight and i really don’t want to be here. but it was just way too tense and heavy for both of us to be at the house, and it was too late for him to drive back to where he was staying, so i came down here.  its so close, i can yell and they could hear me, so im not far away. i guess tomorrow he will go back to wherever he is staying.  though now, im wishing id just stayed home and in the bedroom. i just want to sleep. and i have to get up early and go home when he leaves for work so i can get the girls up and ready for school. it’s like each minute that passes i realize im going to get less and less sleep. but, i can nap tomorrow if i have to, even though i hate naps because the super fuck up my sleep schedule. 

also, im kinda creeped the fuck out because i swear i hear this goddamn piano playing. faintly, but i hear it. i swear i have  NOT been drinking. i don’t wanna sleep in here, but there’s no where else to sleep.  if i even could. 

lots o’ randomness

this week i decided to stay off social media.  it’s some social media blackout thing.  today is the third day, and i have over 100 notifications on my social media folder.  who knows how many i really have, because sometimes im notified of them.  i know i spend way more time on social media than i need to, and seeing that number in just over two days, there’s no telling how many hours i spend just clicking on notifications that pop up throughout the day  well, just facebook really.  ill use snapchat or Instagram for a few days, then not look at it for a month.  though i do have a Twitter, i never use it because im old and i don’t get it, i just have it for my periscope, which im usually on about once a week for an hour.  im usually part of the inspiring recovery scope train, my slot is for 10 minutes, the whole thing runs for an hour so i usually watch it. 

i got the idea from a friend who is doing it also.  i thought “oh i could easily do that” especially since i haven’t been to into fb lately.  i asked a few questions since i had been committed to my periscope slot.  i ended up googling the thing, because I was told periscope, and even messenger were off limits.  it didn’t make sense, because texting was still ok, and that’s basically what messenger is.  tv is not off limits, which is basically what periscope is.  it said that is your professional work involves social media you can use it without penalty (oooh they come get ya!) but you must draw the line between professional use and personal use.  though im not a professional, one hour for the periscope wouldn’t hurt.  besides, i don’t watch television, except twice a year.  lol. i binge watch OITNB in june, and i watch american horror story. which i am LOVING btw…any other ahs fans?! let’s talk!!  

anyway.  i posted that i was going to be off fb for a week, if i don’t post for a few days i start having people message me asking if im OK (this usually happens when i get sucked into the sims 3, which happens about every 4-6 months for about two weeks…there’s a pattern there lol).  i have to have messenger because that’s how i communicate with my priestess group, and this week is the time to plan out training, and for scheduling my sunday scope.  but, i don’t have to use the actual fb app for that, i have the app just for messages.  

i was asking my friend how hers was going, and sent her a screenshot of the insane amount of notifications.  she said she deleted all her social media apps so she wouldn’t be tempted to use them.  i got to to thinking about it, since deleting them never crossed my mind.  i haven’t been tempted to check them.  the first day i caught myself click the social media folder, totally out of habit.  i keep all the social media apps in one folder, so when i click it, it doesn’t actually open any social media.  that grabbed my attention. i do this so much, without even thinking about it or realize what i am doing, i just do it out of habit.  BIG RED SIGN. 

the other day, i hit NINE MONTHS SOBER YALL!!!  nine months i have not had a drink that contained alcohol.  no wine, no vodka, no whatever was left in the cabinet because i drank all my wine. i really can’t believe it. i guess working with quitting drinking and resisting that temptation has worked its way into other areas of my life. because as i said, i haven’t been tempted to check any of my social media.  ive maybe spent two minutes on messenger. 

and ya know, it’s been nice.  yesterday between work, i did quite a bit of crafting and making shit.  ive been wanting to create something for weeks now, so id get online and look for cool ideas instead of actually doing it.  it feels good to actually do it instead of just looking.  ive made some pretty cool samhain decorations, and finally set up my samhain altar.  im proud of it, it’s one of the most beautiful ones ive created. 

no social media, no alcohol, really shines a light onto how much time i waste.  i havent written on my book in a couple of weeks.  i started a painting a couple of weeks ago, half the canvas is still blank.  i have wanted to update my etsy shop and add stuff to it, i just haven’t done it.  i really want to sell some stuff because i desperately need money for a new tattoo. haha. i want one so bad. i have a few in mind. 

oh! and another cool thing.  im doing a free trial on ancestry and ive learned some pretty interesting things about my family. one, i found my grandfather.  my moms dad died when she was just three years old.  my granny had a very blurry picture of him above her bed, and we found one picture of him after she died. i found a picture of him and who i am assuming is his first wife, and their son.  my mom knew she had a step brother, but not until she was a teenager i think. they got some kind of check, and it was split five ways, with his other child.  i found the one picture id seen of him, and a few others.  one of when he was a baby, a couple as what im assuming an early teenager.  he would have been around 18 or 19 when his first child was born. he was born in 1925 i believe, and the baby 1944. that kinda blew my mind. also, my great great grand mother had her first child (my great grandmother) at age 12, her husband was 38!  and on the other side, my 4th great grandfather left his wife.  the census record i found has his age listed as 73, her age listed 38, and they were still having children, or recently had their last, i think the youngest child listed was 1 or 2.  

so yeah, this post isn’t really inspiring and is all over the place.  i get to witting and i don’t want to shop.  perhaps i should put this motivation into working on my book. 

shadows

im sitting here messaging with a dear friend who has just began her recovery journey.  i like to think i give good advice and tips sometimes.  i was replying, spouting off random shit without thinking about what i was saying. a lot of times that gets me into trouble.  but once in a while, something so brilliant comes out, that i cannot believe it came from me.  well, that just happened. here is how the snipped of the conversation went:

friend:  My shadow since can’t be trusted.  Well she obviously had some really big shit to show me and it took a lot for me to really learn. 

me:  Yep.  You have to learn to work with your shadows instead of against them.  That was a hard one for me to learn.  Instead of being an alcoholic, I’m using my alcohol experience to try and help others.  So in a way alcohol is still w big part of my life, but in a healthier and better way.  

so holy shit, she said i just blew her mind.  i was like “I JUST BLEW MY OWN MIND!” she said she’d never thought of looking at it that way.  i never had either, until that randomly came out of me.  we both agreed that i needed to write that shit down somewhere, so here it is.  

the more i sit here and think about it, the more sense it’s making.  im sure I’ll be processing this thought over and over.  but as it just came to me, im still sitting here with my mind blown.  i love alcohol, obviously too much or i wouldn’t be sitting here in recovery for almost nine month. i feared having to completely cut alcohol from my life.  now i realize that i haven’t cut alcohol from my life.  it is still there in a big way.  i simply choose a different manner in how i perceive and interact with it.  i don’t have to drink alcohol for it to be in my life, and i can choose the ways i allow it to be in my life.  at the moment, the separation is working well.  i am happier with her not being here physically.  we are taking our time and slowly working through our issues.  that’s not meant to sound like i plan on drinking again, as i certainly don’t, but we obviously had issues, and those need to be healed. we have gotten past a lot of things, and im slowly becoming more comfortable with her presence in a room.  but now i hang with a different crowd on the other side of the room.  i leave the party if i feel she’s mingling her way closer to me. 

i am now using her as a warning.  i share my story and her dangerous wrath of destruction she can leave behind.  i don’t need to bash her, i don’t need to have her removed, i have to work with her gently and positively. that work, and time, are the only ways that we will fully resolve our issues and be at peace with one another, from a safe distance of course. 

working with your shadows doesn’t have to be scary.  we don’t need to fear them, that only gives them more fuel.  instead, start standing up for yourself to them.  tell them that you no longer allow them to rule your life negatively.  ask your shadows what it is you need to work on in a positive way to begin, or further, your healing. embrace them, don’t run from them.  they are just as much a part of you as the light.  and the light cannot exist without darkness. our shadows are our teaching tools.  they make up our story, the lessons that we need to learn. so stop hiding from them, stop thinking of them as scary, bad, or negative. get off your ass, face them, and work with them instead of fighting them.  how long have you fought them?  and how well did that work out?  maybe it’s time to try something different. 

time to move on, time to get going

this morning i had an ah ha moment.  a guy who reads poetry every morning on periscope was live, and i hadn’t been on his scope in a while so i joined in.  i mentioned that i had almost 9 months sober, and someone asked me “what are you about to birth?”  it dawned on me that i have been sober for almost an entire human gestational period.  

what am i about to birth?  i planted these seeds back in january. i have tried to nurture them as best as i could.  i had a dream several months ago that i was pregnant.  I asked some of my witchy friends about it. as in my dream, i wasn’t happy about it, but i wasn’t sad about it. some of my witchy friends told me that im gestating something, and that if i don’t nurture it, it could miscarry. so i decided to accept whatever comes and do the best i could with it. 

last night i had music playing and tom petty came on.  one of my most favorites ever.  i had heard the some many times, but this time the lyrics hit me like a cosmic two by four. “time to move on, time to get going, what lies ahead i have no way of knowing.  but under my feet, baby, grass is growing.  time to move on, time to get going.” it’s like the universe was screaming at me.  tell me i need to move from this stagnation i have found myself in. goddess fest and the beach house gave me some great insight on myself, and now it’s time to put what i have learned to use.  i just wish i could figure out what that is. 

today is mabon.  the autumn equinox.  i can feel the fall magic in the air. last year on mabon, i quit drinking. tomorrow would have been one year if i hadn’t had my relapse after two months. but instead of kicking myself for it, i now know that it was just part of my journey.  a plot twist thrown in to make my story more…interesting? dramatic? pitiful? it does make a great introduction to my book.  whatever, it just had to happen.  i can’t change it, and instead of dwelling on it negatively, im choosing to look at it as a step.  and since my ass is clumsy as hell, i missed a few of those steps and tumbled my ass back down to the bottom.  im glad it wasn’t far to fall.  just a few bumps and bruises to the ego and myself.  this time, i have learned to hold on to the railing with a death grip and i refuse to let go no matter how hard something is trying to pull me from it. 

today makes 266 days sober, and in 100 days, i will be sober for a year. leave it to me to start o. a leap year and having an extra day to go.  but that’s me, go big or go home. i tend to do things the hardest and longest ways possible.  one of the things on my 2016 vision borard was “do you dream of writing a book.”. because i wanted to write a book. a few weeks ago, i started working on a book.  i decided to write a book on my alcohol free 2016 journey.  i doubt it will get published, but it’s something i want to do for myself. im so grateful that i have blogged this journey, because my memory sucks balls. like, I can remember shit from being a kid, and from past lives, but i can’t tell you what i did yesterday, or three months ago. so i have used my posts to jog my memory. i didn’t realize just how big of a journey this has been.  it’s been really emotional, and when writing about those times, i am brought back to those moments.  where i am now, i can see just how much strength i had at times. i have never felt like a strong person, though everyone else sees it.  i cannot see it in the present moment, but i can see it now. when i was writing about the experience of my grandmothers death, and reading those memories, i don’t know how i did it.  i didn’t even have two months under my belt when it happened, any other time i would have went straight to a bottle of wine.  but i didn’t.  i held on to that railing tight, and i know she was behind me holding me up. 

today is the day i move on, the day i get going.  i may not know what the fuck im doing, or which way or where im going, but damnit im going and im doing it. 

trip..drama..long post..pictures..

i realize it’s been over a month since my last post.  i had a long post typed out when i opened my app, i guess i never finished or posted. long story short, family drama iver alcohol yet again. im not speaking to my dad and i have lost all respect for him. he found my mom with vodka, and poured out the bottle all over her.  i went down to help her and bring her to my house, i think my dad was expecting me to come in mad at my mom for drinking again, but i told him what an abusive asshole he was. at one point, he lowered down to my height and drew back his hand and said “I’ll knock the fuck out of both of you.”  i stood my ground, and i didn’t back down. he left to go drink beer, and i took my mom to my house. two days lat, my dad was sitting up there with all the other preachers at church. im done with the man.  i forgive him, and im not angry anymore, im just done. 

now for the good part… i went to goddess fest in california and it was SO FUCKING AMAZING!!  i went with a bunch of my coven sisters. we stayed in san fransisco thursday night.  we went to alcatraz, i had panic attacks on the boat ride over because i have an irrational unknown fear of boats that suddenly developed when i was in my late teens.  i got to meet one of the last living prisoners who was there, and i got him to sign his book for my daughter.  i also got a picture with him. 

we went out to eat and i was the only one not drinking. i felt out of place at first, but then i started to read the book i bought and quickly became sucked into it. we went back to the hotel and went to bed, we were tired from traveling and three hours behind.  

we arrived at the goddess fest friday, and i was quickly put to work. they needed someone last minute to work a shift at the registration table. my name was the one everyone suggested.  i felt honored to do it.  and it gave me time to connect with another sister that I didn’t know, that was really nice. 

the rituals and workshops were wonderful and mind blowing.  i participated in a self blessing, which required standing nude in front of a mirror. it was very empowering.  i made a crown of bay laurel leaves which i wore over the weekend. i went on a hike through the redwoods with three other sisters.  we chose not to do the guided hike.  and im glad. we experienced some great energy and took some awesome pictures. let me tell ya, there’s nothing like standing bare ass naked in a ray of sunlight in the redwoods. it was really a wonderful experience.  

there was lots of drinking, but i was ok.  i was happy to be sober because i laughed so fucking hard and i remember everything. and i didn’t wake up feeling like total shit!!  one of the sisters with us that lives in ca who met us there has been sober for 15 years and has been amazing support for me online.  when i first saw her i gave her a big hug and said “oh wow, you’re REAL!”  i got some great pictures, and pretty funny videos, that i surely wouldn’t have been able to get if i had been drinking. 

the weekend flew by.  i did a sacred dance class, a weed talk, made a little doll, and got some goodies.  someone told me there was a faerie figurine inside that looked like me. it was s little pixie with purple hair, wearing green and purple.  i have short purple pixie hair, and i was wearing green and purple. i also bought a diana statue for my altar. i got to meet one of my favorite her so authors, she’s the one who did the weed talk on edible weeds. i got to meet the founder of the dianic tradition, which is the tradition of witchcraft i follow.

 

after the festival ended sunday, we drove down to stinson beach and stayed in a cute little beach house until tuedsay.  it was so beautiful and so much fun.  i was the only one sober, so i began a notebook of funny shit that was said.  one of the girls said she wanted to channel, and wanted me to write down what she said.  she sat down in front of me, and what followed for the next hour i cannot even explain.  she channeled the goddess kali.  she had messages and words of wisdom.  after about a page and a half of scribbling and trying to keep up, i had to quit taking notes. it was too fast, too much, and i was too amazed by what was happening to write anymore. 

afterwards more drinks were in order, as well as skinny dipping in the freezing ass ocean.  i never made it to the ocean that night.  one sister was celebrating her 59th birthday, and boy did she celebrate. she’s a nurse, who travels and works way too much and way too hard. she definitely earned a night to cut loose.  and she had channeled a christian man, who the house/property used to belong to.  so yea, she deserved that night lol. poor woman fell on the way to the beach, my tiny ass, and another girl had to get her ass up and back to and into the house.  we got her to her bed finally.  she was almost out when she said she was going to be sick.  we rolled her over, and she goes “im ok.”  we rolled her back over to try to sleep, and the same thing happened.  we did that senario about ten times, literally.  me and the other girl were cracking up because during all of this she never stopped saying hilarious shit.  she finally did get sick.  after that fiasco, we were just finishing cleaning everything up when a bunch of cold, wet, naked witches came in from the beach. 

the next day everyone laid around recovering.  except for me, i felt fine.  went out and ate with two other girls, got necessities for the night, and went back.  we walked along the beach for almost an hour   we had a lovely sunset ritual on the beach, and offered flowers to the ocean.  it was absolutely beautiful.

i didn’t want to come home and have to face reality again.  the day before we left, i get a text from my husband to call asap.  i called but i couldn’t hear anything.  my speaker apparently been messed up because within ten seconds of being on the beach i dropped my phone in the water. he wouldn’t say anything over text, so i got someone’s phone and called.   my mom had a seizure at work.  she’s ok.  she has a doctors appointment in the morning. probably from drinking and her medicine.  im not even getting into all of that right now.  it’s too much and too much negative energy for me.  im in a good place and id like to stay here. 

so, once again, a challenge defeated. it was almost a weeklong trip, around tons and tons of alcohol, and i didn’t drink.  as of today, i have 262 days, just over 8.5 months sober. you guys.  EIGHT AND A HALF MONTHS SOBER!!!  Can y’all believe this shit?!   i don’t even keep track of it anymore.  i had to go back and look at my counter app to see how much time i had.  not drinking is such a normal part of my life now that i just don’t think about it anymore.   i remember that first month sober, when drinking or not drinking was constantly on my mind. the thought of being sober, the the thought of “im not drinking” never left my head.  i wondered if they would ever stop.  well, eventually they did.  

even though ive been tough some rough and stressful shit the past few months, drinking has not once crossed my mind.  and seeing what it’s doing to my mom, and the problems it’s causing with my parents, i thank the goddess so much for helping me to bring myself out of a situation id wanted out of for so long.  i am free, the chains that bound me to alcohol broke, allowing me to let go for good.   

out of all my sober moments i’ve had, my favorite is and always will be when my daughter told me she was proud of me. 

halfway to my goal

this morning i pulled up my counter app.  i was happy to see that it said today is SIX MONTHS!!!  six months i have not had a drink. in the picture above, the left is the last time i drank during my last relapse. i had just poured my last glass of wine. i crashed about half an hour later, and hour and a half before the new year began. the picture on the right is from this weekend at my retreat.  i see such a huge difference in my eyes. they are brighter and more open.  im sharing the post i shared on my facebook because i feel it’s appropriate here as well.    

I started this journey because my life felt like it was out of control. I didn’t feel like I was going anywhere, I felt stuck. I felt I had nothing to offer to anyone, to the world, or to myself. I wanted to see how different my life could be if I didn’t drinks bottle of wine almost every night. Halfway into this journey, these six short, yet long months, my life has completely changed. I’m doing things I only ever dreamed about. I look forward to what the next six months bring, and when I hit my goal of one year and it’s time to sit down and look over the year and see just how much I have changed. 

It’s mostly been easy, but there have been times I’ve struggled. And if I hadn’t reached out for help and support during those times, I probably wouldn’t be celebrating today. Just a month and a half into my journey, I lost one of the most important people in my life, my Nanny. I remember having conversations with her, and her saying “I never did let anything rule over me.” One day, I strive to have that strength. I let myself feel every emotion that came, and as hard as it was, I never did have the urge to drink, because I knew deep down it wouldn’t help, and only make things worse. There have been times of anger, where I literally thought I might spontaneously combust, and it took every ounce I had not to drink. Sometimes, it took other people talking me out of it because I had my mind set on it. 
There have been some of the most amazing times of my life. Like being able to celebrate my Nanny’s life in a healthy way, getting my yoga instructor certificate, getting to take Ella to her first concert by myself (and seeing nahko completely sober for the first time, being able to soak in all that sexiness, and since I was present in the moment and paying attention, we totally had a moment and he waved at MEEEEEEEE), even though it was last year, I was sober and completely present when I got to see and hang out at the vip session with Trevor Hall. Sober concerts are really addictive! I’m about to wrap up my training to start and facilitate SMART Recovery meetings. I went on a retreat this weekend, and had so much late night healing. That wouldn’t have happened if I’d started drinking at 5 like I used to, and it makes me wonder what all I have missed out on at past events. But, I will not dwell on it, because all I can do is learn and move on with what I know now. 
I want to thank everyone who has been supportive of me. Those who have helped me. Those who have checked in on me when when I’m in hibernation. Those who have dragged my ass out of the house knowing I needed it. Those who have listened to me cry and bawl my eyes out. Those who have put up with me when I was so angry I wanted to go on a rampage. Those who have been with me at my lowest points, and never giving up on me. I couldn’t do this without such an amazing support system, personally in my life or through the Internet. Even you who are many miles away, your messages and reminders mean so much to me. I love you all, and I am truly grateful you are in my life.

message in a bottle

so, im taking something negative, and turning it into something good. message in a bottle represents change.  from ugly to beautiful.  im taking old bottles, stripping them down, and giving them a makeover. each bottle will be customized for its owner, and will include a hand written 9 card reading inside. portions of the money will go toward the purchase of supplies and materials to get my SMART recovery meetings going once i finish my facilitator training. 

Message In A Bottle

https://www.etsy.com/listing/384767334/message-in-a-bottle?ref=shop_home_active_1 

attitude of gratitude

what a busy ass day today. but, im grateful. im grateful that im not sitting in my floor crying all day.  that’s what i was doing today a year ago. sobriety wasn’t even an option then, because i was about to go on vacation and hahahahaha wtf is a sober vacation?! (a sober vacation is something that makes you totally wonder why you stopped drinking)  but to my point, i was a ball of misery. all i could do all day was cry and mope.  i felt completely worthless. i sure as hell didn’t have anything to offer.  then come evening id drink about it, and somehow that fueled many ideas, but nothing ever came of most of them. somehow drinking made me feel like i might could do something, make a difference.  but sober i was a complete fucking wreck. 

it’s almost midnight, and i am sitting here just enjoying being. my iPad has iTunes on it, and i finally have access to a bunch of music i lost when i went to android. chapter of the forest by trevor hall is playing, the kids are gone, the husband is in bed, so it’s just me, my music, and a cup of hot blues away tea.  not that i have the blues, im quite content, but my tea bowl is embarrassingly low and it was the first one i grabbed. 

quiet time used to be my enemy.  i was either drinking, or fighting with my self over it.  what got me to thinking about all of this, at work this evening, i suddenly found myself thinking about that feeling when the wine first hits your empty stomach.  that churn, followed by that ahhhhhh…… then i snapped out of it and thought “what the hell,where did that come from?”  it wasn’t an urge or craving or anything, and as quickly as i thought that, i was like “woah, that’s not my life anymore.”  

and it isn’t.  im not a ball of misery anymore.  i do things.  things that matter.  things that are literally helping change the world. (check out wwww.globalmeditationscope.com, i do some of the social media stuff behind the scenes and i am also going to be a host for GMS)  i am certified to teach yoga.  i am training to be a priestess within my coven.  as soon as i do my readings, ill be a certified ethical psychic. im about to start training to be a SMART recovery facilitator, something i certainly wouldn’t have considered a year ago. my recovery has become such a part of my life, and i love my meetings but can’t go often due to distance, so damnit i am bringing them to me and doing it my damn self. 

who the hell IS this determined woman?!  where did she come from?  i really hope the above paragraph doesn’t come off as bragging.  i wanted to change my life because i was so fucking miserable, and i have done that.  im still doing it.  a year ago, if you told me id be any of those things, i would have broke down and cried because i knew there was just no way i could be someone like that. hell all i could do was cry. much less learn new things, or get up and do something.  

i am four and a half months into this recovery thing, and it’s going so much better than i ever expected. i didn’t think life would completely suck forever without alcohol, i guess i really didn’t have any expectations. certainly much better than my first attempt at quitting.  right now, i am exactly where i wanted to be.  i wanted to get rid of my addiction, so I finally shut up, started taking care of myself, and stopped making excuses to drink every day.  i wanted to know what it was like to not be miserable.  

i don’t know much, but damnit, what i do know is ive traded that misery for something much, much better.  one year.  how different would my life be if i removed alcohol for a year?  well, in four and a half months, it’s changed.  actually, it began changing in september of last year..so the last 9 months.  the month long relapse after two months really showed me i just can’t alcohol.  we don’t even. my stubbornness, commitment to an #alcoholfree2016, coming out publicly with my sobriety journey (this blog is still private and pretty anonymous and i like that, you guys get it, public doesn’t), and this newfound determination has kept me not just sober, but living, and thriving (well, almost, attempting to quit the damn cancer sticks starting June), and being happy and content.  

as my music album repeats, and my tea is cool and almost gone, i just sit here.  grateful.  grateful to feel again.  grateful to be happy with life.  grateful for all these opportunities.  holy shit, if i get all this in four and a half months, what am i going to end up with when I complete my alcohol free 2016!?  im grateful i have found a little bit of inner peace, im not constantly fighting with myself anymore.  my mind is able to focus on the task (or 384) at hand. i don’t obsess over drinking or not drinking.  y’all.  i seriously never thought i would be writing this post.  and i sit here, in awe, grateful that i just did.