this evening, i was driving to get food. i was starving, and my stomach churned and grumbled. i haven’t felt that feeling in a long time, that feeling signified it was time to start drinking. because that’s what i’d do. i’d eat early on in the day, as to not kill my buzz. by the time i was hungry again, it was time to start drinking. the moment it would hit my stomach, that churning hunger would go away, and a few minutes later i’d feel its rush throughout my body. i was waiting for that feeling, i was expecting it.
as i drive, it dawned on me just how long it’s been since i’ve thought about drinking like that. i mean, not actually drinking. it wasn’t a craving, it wasn’t an urge, it was just a thought. just as if i was imaging myself back on a roller coaster i’ve rode before. this is the first time in 7 months i’ve had this feeling. i thought to myself “i’m grateful i’m sober” and then my mind wandered to another subject.
i really, really, really hate that i relapsed. two months, then i drank for a month, and now i have almost four months. i should have 7 months. but, i suppose it is what it is. i can’t go back and change it. for the first time in 7 months, a thought like this DIDN’T lead to a craving or an urge, and it certainly didn’t make me miss it. because i know that warm fuzzy sweater feeling would only have lasted about 45 minutes, by then i’d be too drunk to care. high alcohol volume + nothing on my stomach = very drunk very fast and if i were still drinking, i certainly wouldn’t have been thinking about it at that moment. seven months ago, i would have been sloshed out of my mind and not even able to go get food.
i look at where i am now. tomorrow will be 111 consecutive days without drinking. i think i’ve had just about every “first” during other attempts in sobriety..holidays, birthdays, parties, so nothing is really “new” anymore. i’m happy to be sober, my mind is clearer than it was seven months ago, four months ago. i’ve hit this “stuck” feeling. i don’t know where to go or what to do. well, i have my SMART recovery training coming up in a couple of weeks. but i have the feeling i need to do something NOW. i just don’t know what. i have all this motivation, but no ideas. i’m ready for action, but i have nothing to put into action. i mean, i’m seriously tired of sitting here all day, walking around, going online, walking around some more, piddle around with something, get bored with that, and then start the cycle all over again. i want to start my business, and one of the questions everyone asks is “what is your niche?” um..I DON’T FUCKING KNOW. i don’t have one. i don’t have one thing i’m really good at. i’m ok at a lot of things, but i don’t have anything unique i do that sets me apart from others. maybe this is my bad habit of comparison, but i really don’t know what i have to offer that isn’t what every other reiki/yoga teacher and card reader offers.
i’m grateful to be sober. i’m grateful for what i’ve learned. i know patience isn’t my strong suit, but i’ve been in this rut for a while now. i want to create something great. something big. something amazing. i’m ready to do it, i just don’t know what or how. i want to do it myself, but i obviously can’t. i need help. but i don’t know what help i need. i know it will happen when the time is right, i just don’t like waiting. i want things on my terms, i want it all, now. but the universe obviously has other plans.
Sober Goddess 