trip..drama..long post..pictures..

i realize it’s been over a month since my last post.  i had a long post typed out when i opened my app, i guess i never finished or posted. long story short, family drama iver alcohol yet again. im not speaking to my dad and i have lost all respect for him. he found my mom with vodka, and poured out the bottle all over her.  i went down to help her and bring her to my house, i think my dad was expecting me to come in mad at my mom for drinking again, but i told him what an abusive asshole he was. at one point, he lowered down to my height and drew back his hand and said “I’ll knock the fuck out of both of you.”  i stood my ground, and i didn’t back down. he left to go drink beer, and i took my mom to my house. two days lat, my dad was sitting up there with all the other preachers at church. im done with the man.  i forgive him, and im not angry anymore, im just done. 

now for the good part… i went to goddess fest in california and it was SO FUCKING AMAZING!!  i went with a bunch of my coven sisters. we stayed in san fransisco thursday night.  we went to alcatraz, i had panic attacks on the boat ride over because i have an irrational unknown fear of boats that suddenly developed when i was in my late teens.  i got to meet one of the last living prisoners who was there, and i got him to sign his book for my daughter.  i also got a picture with him. 

we went out to eat and i was the only one not drinking. i felt out of place at first, but then i started to read the book i bought and quickly became sucked into it. we went back to the hotel and went to bed, we were tired from traveling and three hours behind.  

we arrived at the goddess fest friday, and i was quickly put to work. they needed someone last minute to work a shift at the registration table. my name was the one everyone suggested.  i felt honored to do it.  and it gave me time to connect with another sister that I didn’t know, that was really nice. 

the rituals and workshops were wonderful and mind blowing.  i participated in a self blessing, which required standing nude in front of a mirror. it was very empowering.  i made a crown of bay laurel leaves which i wore over the weekend. i went on a hike through the redwoods with three other sisters.  we chose not to do the guided hike.  and im glad. we experienced some great energy and took some awesome pictures. let me tell ya, there’s nothing like standing bare ass naked in a ray of sunlight in the redwoods. it was really a wonderful experience.  

there was lots of drinking, but i was ok.  i was happy to be sober because i laughed so fucking hard and i remember everything. and i didn’t wake up feeling like total shit!!  one of the sisters with us that lives in ca who met us there has been sober for 15 years and has been amazing support for me online.  when i first saw her i gave her a big hug and said “oh wow, you’re REAL!”  i got some great pictures, and pretty funny videos, that i surely wouldn’t have been able to get if i had been drinking. 

the weekend flew by.  i did a sacred dance class, a weed talk, made a little doll, and got some goodies.  someone told me there was a faerie figurine inside that looked like me. it was s little pixie with purple hair, wearing green and purple.  i have short purple pixie hair, and i was wearing green and purple. i also bought a diana statue for my altar. i got to meet one of my favorite her so authors, she’s the one who did the weed talk on edible weeds. i got to meet the founder of the dianic tradition, which is the tradition of witchcraft i follow.

 

after the festival ended sunday, we drove down to stinson beach and stayed in a cute little beach house until tuedsay.  it was so beautiful and so much fun.  i was the only one sober, so i began a notebook of funny shit that was said.  one of the girls said she wanted to channel, and wanted me to write down what she said.  she sat down in front of me, and what followed for the next hour i cannot even explain.  she channeled the goddess kali.  she had messages and words of wisdom.  after about a page and a half of scribbling and trying to keep up, i had to quit taking notes. it was too fast, too much, and i was too amazed by what was happening to write anymore. 

afterwards more drinks were in order, as well as skinny dipping in the freezing ass ocean.  i never made it to the ocean that night.  one sister was celebrating her 59th birthday, and boy did she celebrate. she’s a nurse, who travels and works way too much and way too hard. she definitely earned a night to cut loose.  and she had channeled a christian man, who the house/property used to belong to.  so yea, she deserved that night lol. poor woman fell on the way to the beach, my tiny ass, and another girl had to get her ass up and back to and into the house.  we got her to her bed finally.  she was almost out when she said she was going to be sick.  we rolled her over, and she goes “im ok.”  we rolled her back over to try to sleep, and the same thing happened.  we did that senario about ten times, literally.  me and the other girl were cracking up because during all of this she never stopped saying hilarious shit.  she finally did get sick.  after that fiasco, we were just finishing cleaning everything up when a bunch of cold, wet, naked witches came in from the beach. 

the next day everyone laid around recovering.  except for me, i felt fine.  went out and ate with two other girls, got necessities for the night, and went back.  we walked along the beach for almost an hour   we had a lovely sunset ritual on the beach, and offered flowers to the ocean.  it was absolutely beautiful.

i didn’t want to come home and have to face reality again.  the day before we left, i get a text from my husband to call asap.  i called but i couldn’t hear anything.  my speaker apparently been messed up because within ten seconds of being on the beach i dropped my phone in the water. he wouldn’t say anything over text, so i got someone’s phone and called.   my mom had a seizure at work.  she’s ok.  she has a doctors appointment in the morning. probably from drinking and her medicine.  im not even getting into all of that right now.  it’s too much and too much negative energy for me.  im in a good place and id like to stay here. 

so, once again, a challenge defeated. it was almost a weeklong trip, around tons and tons of alcohol, and i didn’t drink.  as of today, i have 262 days, just over 8.5 months sober. you guys.  EIGHT AND A HALF MONTHS SOBER!!!  Can y’all believe this shit?!   i don’t even keep track of it anymore.  i had to go back and look at my counter app to see how much time i had.  not drinking is such a normal part of my life now that i just don’t think about it anymore.   i remember that first month sober, when drinking or not drinking was constantly on my mind. the thought of being sober, the the thought of “im not drinking” never left my head.  i wondered if they would ever stop.  well, eventually they did.  

even though ive been tough some rough and stressful shit the past few months, drinking has not once crossed my mind.  and seeing what it’s doing to my mom, and the problems it’s causing with my parents, i thank the goddess so much for helping me to bring myself out of a situation id wanted out of for so long.  i am free, the chains that bound me to alcohol broke, allowing me to let go for good.   

out of all my sober moments i’ve had, my favorite is and always will be when my daughter told me she was proud of me. 

bored rambling

i am insanely bored today.  i told the husband i wanted to do something and he asked what.  i thought. and thought. and im still thinking. i can’t remember anything we’ve ever done that didn’t involve alcohol. usually when we got a night out we’d go out drinking. we live in a small town, and it’s a good drive to do anything.  even before kids, and drinking problems, that’s what we’d do.  because back then drinking was fun, it was a reward for getting through however long it had been since we had a break from the kids. 

so yeah, it’s like everything we have in common is around alcohol.  and being strapped for cash doesn’t exactly help either.  i could sit here and complain all night, but i won’t. instead i will focus on other things. like the fact i have six and a half months sober. 

i have changed so much. like, i finally am doing what ive wanted, living life. i don’t worry about drinking or not drinking anymore. neither one of those thoughts consume me anymore. i feel free and i love that. 

i don’t have anything interesting really other than my smart recovery facilitator training closes tomorrow.  i am terrified.  im not sure im ready for this. i have to fin a place to hold meetings, and that damn near gives me an anxiety attack.  im not worried about my skills, it’s just doing it. what if no one comes?  

ive got so much on my mind. i feel lost and confused about everything. finding yourself is fucking scary. like, i am dreaming of things that i don’t know if i should be dreaming. it’s nothing bad, in fact my day dreams make me feel great. then reality sets in. so yeah.  i don’t know what i want out of life anymore.  but at the same time, i feel like im going somewhere. but where, i have no idea.  is this a normal thing with being sober?  is it because ive changed so drastically in such a short amount of time?  cause im so over this feeling. 

halfway to my goal

this morning i pulled up my counter app.  i was happy to see that it said today is SIX MONTHS!!!  six months i have not had a drink. in the picture above, the left is the last time i drank during my last relapse. i had just poured my last glass of wine. i crashed about half an hour later, and hour and a half before the new year began. the picture on the right is from this weekend at my retreat.  i see such a huge difference in my eyes. they are brighter and more open.  im sharing the post i shared on my facebook because i feel it’s appropriate here as well.    

I started this journey because my life felt like it was out of control. I didn’t feel like I was going anywhere, I felt stuck. I felt I had nothing to offer to anyone, to the world, or to myself. I wanted to see how different my life could be if I didn’t drinks bottle of wine almost every night. Halfway into this journey, these six short, yet long months, my life has completely changed. I’m doing things I only ever dreamed about. I look forward to what the next six months bring, and when I hit my goal of one year and it’s time to sit down and look over the year and see just how much I have changed. 

It’s mostly been easy, but there have been times I’ve struggled. And if I hadn’t reached out for help and support during those times, I probably wouldn’t be celebrating today. Just a month and a half into my journey, I lost one of the most important people in my life, my Nanny. I remember having conversations with her, and her saying “I never did let anything rule over me.” One day, I strive to have that strength. I let myself feel every emotion that came, and as hard as it was, I never did have the urge to drink, because I knew deep down it wouldn’t help, and only make things worse. There have been times of anger, where I literally thought I might spontaneously combust, and it took every ounce I had not to drink. Sometimes, it took other people talking me out of it because I had my mind set on it. 
There have been some of the most amazing times of my life. Like being able to celebrate my Nanny’s life in a healthy way, getting my yoga instructor certificate, getting to take Ella to her first concert by myself (and seeing nahko completely sober for the first time, being able to soak in all that sexiness, and since I was present in the moment and paying attention, we totally had a moment and he waved at MEEEEEEEE), even though it was last year, I was sober and completely present when I got to see and hang out at the vip session with Trevor Hall. Sober concerts are really addictive! I’m about to wrap up my training to start and facilitate SMART Recovery meetings. I went on a retreat this weekend, and had so much late night healing. That wouldn’t have happened if I’d started drinking at 5 like I used to, and it makes me wonder what all I have missed out on at past events. But, I will not dwell on it, because all I can do is learn and move on with what I know now. 
I want to thank everyone who has been supportive of me. Those who have helped me. Those who have checked in on me when when I’m in hibernation. Those who have dragged my ass out of the house knowing I needed it. Those who have listened to me cry and bawl my eyes out. Those who have put up with me when I was so angry I wanted to go on a rampage. Those who have been with me at my lowest points, and never giving up on me. I couldn’t do this without such an amazing support system, personally in my life or through the Internet. Even you who are many miles away, your messages and reminders mean so much to me. I love you all, and I am truly grateful you are in my life.

attitude of gratitude

what a busy ass day today. but, im grateful. im grateful that im not sitting in my floor crying all day.  that’s what i was doing today a year ago. sobriety wasn’t even an option then, because i was about to go on vacation and hahahahaha wtf is a sober vacation?! (a sober vacation is something that makes you totally wonder why you stopped drinking)  but to my point, i was a ball of misery. all i could do all day was cry and mope.  i felt completely worthless. i sure as hell didn’t have anything to offer.  then come evening id drink about it, and somehow that fueled many ideas, but nothing ever came of most of them. somehow drinking made me feel like i might could do something, make a difference.  but sober i was a complete fucking wreck. 

it’s almost midnight, and i am sitting here just enjoying being. my iPad has iTunes on it, and i finally have access to a bunch of music i lost when i went to android. chapter of the forest by trevor hall is playing, the kids are gone, the husband is in bed, so it’s just me, my music, and a cup of hot blues away tea.  not that i have the blues, im quite content, but my tea bowl is embarrassingly low and it was the first one i grabbed. 

quiet time used to be my enemy.  i was either drinking, or fighting with my self over it.  what got me to thinking about all of this, at work this evening, i suddenly found myself thinking about that feeling when the wine first hits your empty stomach.  that churn, followed by that ahhhhhh…… then i snapped out of it and thought “what the hell,where did that come from?”  it wasn’t an urge or craving or anything, and as quickly as i thought that, i was like “woah, that’s not my life anymore.”  

and it isn’t.  im not a ball of misery anymore.  i do things.  things that matter.  things that are literally helping change the world. (check out wwww.globalmeditationscope.com, i do some of the social media stuff behind the scenes and i am also going to be a host for GMS)  i am certified to teach yoga.  i am training to be a priestess within my coven.  as soon as i do my readings, ill be a certified ethical psychic. im about to start training to be a SMART recovery facilitator, something i certainly wouldn’t have considered a year ago. my recovery has become such a part of my life, and i love my meetings but can’t go often due to distance, so damnit i am bringing them to me and doing it my damn self. 

who the hell IS this determined woman?!  where did she come from?  i really hope the above paragraph doesn’t come off as bragging.  i wanted to change my life because i was so fucking miserable, and i have done that.  im still doing it.  a year ago, if you told me id be any of those things, i would have broke down and cried because i knew there was just no way i could be someone like that. hell all i could do was cry. much less learn new things, or get up and do something.  

i am four and a half months into this recovery thing, and it’s going so much better than i ever expected. i didn’t think life would completely suck forever without alcohol, i guess i really didn’t have any expectations. certainly much better than my first attempt at quitting.  right now, i am exactly where i wanted to be.  i wanted to get rid of my addiction, so I finally shut up, started taking care of myself, and stopped making excuses to drink every day.  i wanted to know what it was like to not be miserable.  

i don’t know much, but damnit, what i do know is ive traded that misery for something much, much better.  one year.  how different would my life be if i removed alcohol for a year?  well, in four and a half months, it’s changed.  actually, it began changing in september of last year..so the last 9 months.  the month long relapse after two months really showed me i just can’t alcohol.  we don’t even. my stubbornness, commitment to an #alcoholfree2016, coming out publicly with my sobriety journey (this blog is still private and pretty anonymous and i like that, you guys get it, public doesn’t), and this newfound determination has kept me not just sober, but living, and thriving (well, almost, attempting to quit the damn cancer sticks starting June), and being happy and content.  

as my music album repeats, and my tea is cool and almost gone, i just sit here.  grateful.  grateful to feel again.  grateful to be happy with life.  grateful for all these opportunities.  holy shit, if i get all this in four and a half months, what am i going to end up with when I complete my alcohol free 2016!?  im grateful i have found a little bit of inner peace, im not constantly fighting with myself anymore.  my mind is able to focus on the task (or 384) at hand. i don’t obsess over drinking or not drinking.  y’all.  i seriously never thought i would be writing this post.  and i sit here, in awe, grateful that i just did. 

i’m freeeee

yes..i realize i have a ridiculous tan line.  go ahead and laugh.  for the third year in a row, I shaved my head with st. baldricks for childhood cancer.  our event has raised over $6,000 to date!!  you can still donate, and you can find my link and more of the story here.  

aaaaaaannddd….I GOT MY BOTTLE.  my husband brought it to me yesterday, i guess my mom poured it into a new container.  i’d had a horrible stomach ache, and when he handed it to me i literally started to gag (if you didn’t read my last post, i was wanting a wine bottle that’s really cool, and my mom didn’t want me to pour it out).  i made him take it in and wash it.  so, i added a new bottle to me “cool bottle collection ” and i didn’t drink it.  that’s a first. 

as i am sitting here typing this, i realize just how normal not drinking has become in my life. now, when i go to the dollar store, i don’t even think about the liquor store anymore. they are right beside each other and were always my two most frequent stops.  in the early weeks, i’d catch myself staring at it as i passed.  a couple of times i almost turned into the liquor store by habit, cause i always went there first.  i would make sure we had our alcohol, even if it meant not getting what I wanted at the dollar store. i always had money for needed items, like the headache medicine i needed and drovers the and shit like that.  but that epsom salt for a nice soak, eh, fuck it, wine was more important. 

i am loving this feeling of freedom from alcohol. now when i want a nice hot bath, that epsom salt becomes my priority.  i love that i don’t obsessively think about drinking or not drinking.  i am learning to live in the moment, not worrying about tomorrow, or next year, or five years from now.  it also means not worrying about my past.   what’s done is done, i can’t change it, all i can do is focus on what is in front of me and try to be a better person than i was yesterday. 

ps.. i have 129 days sober

pss..the husband had 70 days sober

buzz buzz!!

whew.  so the other day i posted on a SMART recovery forum about how i’d signed up for facilitator training but haven’t heard anything.  one of the training people was directed to my post, and went back and checked.  sure enough, he found it.  he has no idea why it didn’t show up, and blamed the “internet gremlins.”  he apologized profusely and offered to put me down on the june training that begins on may 20.  i replied and told him there was no need to apologize, i understand these things happen (also, FUCK YOU MERCURY RETROGRADE), and that i’d love to be placed in the next session.  soooooo…I START MY TRAINING ON MAY 20!!!!!  which also happens to be the big kid’s 16th birthday!

i’ve been trying to write this post for three days, and all i have is the above paragraph.  i did have quite a bit at one point, ranting, then later on, i wasn’t in that mood anymore and deleted it.  nothing i said quite seemed to fit.  but i was determined to finish it.

three years ago, i stumbled upon a blog post about childhood cancer and how people could shave their heads and raise money.  so i googled it, and right away i signed up without hesitation.  i called my husband and he thought i was crazy.  everyone hated the idea of me having a shaved head, but couldn’t really say anything about it because it’s obviously for a good thing.

i was so nervous.  not to shave my head, but for one, i didn’t know ANYONE at the event.  i just signed up for an event closest to my home.  two, it was at a church.  not a witches favorite place to be.  and no, it didn’t burn down when i went in…lol  i ave my head shaved took a friend and my big kid.  it went well, and i had a good time.  and i enjoyed having a shaved head so much, that when the next year came around, i signed up again.  i swore that i was going to let my hair grow out, and so i signed up to shave it once again.

saturday is the big day.  for the third year in a row, i’m going to walk in and have my head shaved.  i haven’t ever had enough hair to donate, so i shave my head for donations.  it goes to a good cause, as every three minutes a child is diagnosed with some form of cancer, and unfortunately only 4% of cancer research goes to childrens cancer.

st baldricks is a wonderful organization, and i’m so glad i found them.  here is my link if you would like to donate.  every little bit helps, even if its only a dollar!!

https://www.stbaldricks.org/participants/mypage/851961/2016

123..ready set go..

how much better can it get!?  i finally went back to a smart recovery meeting this morning. oh how ive missed them. i enjoyed checking in and updating on all the amazing things in my life.

mentioning that i had become a yoga teacher, after the meeting one woman approached me and asked if i’d me interested in doing recovery yoga there on weekends and set up a jar for love donations for anyone that can/wants to give. the office where they are held has a small room downstairs, enough for a few people to throw some mats down. yoga for recovery is one thing i surely wanted to do, i have talked about it, but just didn’t know when or how or where to start.

she also said that it’s great that i am going to become a facilitator, and wants to support me however she can. she offered to come to my first meeting when i have it, and said i could facilitate some of the meetings there to get my feet wet.

y’all. i am beyond excited. THIS is part of why i wanted to get sober. i wanted to help people. i have for a long time, but again, i didn’t know the what’s and how’s. they also said it might still be a while before i start my training, and its every few months or so.  as impatient as i am, i’m ok with it, because this gives me the chance to out together some yoga classes. 

FOUR MONTHS SOBER. i look at that, and i honestly can’t believe its me who is saying that. i am so grateful to be sober. i never imagined i could be so happy and look forward to life so much without alcohol. there were times i expected to die a drunk someday. i never saw myself not drinking. my life basically revolved around a bottle of wine every day. compared to now, that was a very pathetic way of existing. ive worked hard to overcome that. i don’t ever want to go back to that awful place. i enjoy where i am.

beltane..

ahh.. blessed beltane!!   full of love and fertility.  opposite from samhain on the wheel of the year, the veil is very thin between our world and the fae.  they are out in full force, and watch out because some can be sneaky little shits.  last night we had beltane ritual.  us priestess apprentices arrived early to get everything set up and ready.  we set up the circle, the HP (high priestess, not higher power) hung the flowers and ribbons on a tree for our maypole, set up the fire, and planned out ritual.

everyone began to arrive, it was great seeing all my sisters again, and we had two new faces join us.  i never had any sibling, and i was disappoint a lot in life because i didn’t.  i always wondered what it was like to have that bond.  to have someone so close, who knows every bit of you.  who you can tell your secrets to, who always has your back.  now, i have so many sisters i can’t even count.

we started our coven Mabon (in september) of 2014.  out of the 8 or 9 women who showed up to that first one, other than the high priestess, only two of us still come.  and again other than the hp,  i am the only sister who has been to every single ritual (i guess i’m like that person who’s in church every time the doors are open, haha).  in june, for summer solstice, we are hosting a retreat in north carolina, with lots of our california sisters flying out.  this is going to be a HUUUUUUUUUUGE deal.  our hp is actually going to be initiated officially as a HP.  these cali sisters, especially the founder of the dianic tradition, have been watching us closely.  they see what we are doing here.  we hope to become an official hive of the tradition.  this retreat will give us all the opportunity to show what we have learned, and what we are doing.  last year, at a retreat i wasn’t able to attend, the HP and another friend went, told me that all of a sudden, they needed someone to call in a quarter, and friend volunteered to do it.  they were so impressed by her jumping in, and said she did a fantastic job, and raved about her.  THAT is what we want them seeing.  things like that.  to show that we have much knowledge, and it shows them just how well we are being trained as priestess apprentices.

anyway, back to beltane.  you know, squirrels and shiny things.  so we had a beautiful meal of some citrus chicken, asparagus (that i made), green beans, salad, desserts, it was yummy.  then we sat around and let our food settle before going down to the circle.  we got down there, and in the middle of ritual, it came a thunderstorm.  it was so powerful.  we got SOAKING wet.  several of us were naked.  it was SO POWERFUL.  then i started to freeze as the fire started going out.  the rain poured.  i got bit by something on my foot.  but it was so much fun.  dancing naked in the storm, letting the water wash away anything that doesn’t serve me anymore, goddess, it was so freeing!  afterward we went back in, dried off, and had desserts.  i sat there cuddled under many blankets trying to get feeling back in my body.

it was really powerful.  it was really fun.  there were so many laugh.  i love it.  that’s one thing, we don’t take shit seriously.  if we fuck up calling in a quarter, we all laugh.  we eventually get the quarter called in.  we think goddess surely has a sense of humor as well or these things wouldn’t happen.  of course, we can be serious when needed, but our rituals aren’t focused on it.  some parts are more serious than others, but mostly we have fun and go with the energy.

i am beyond grateful to be a part of my sisterhood.  they are all so supportive of my sobriety, and make sure to accommodate that during ritual, by not having wine for cakes and ale, its usually some kind of juice or water.  like last night, holy shit, we had full moon storm water from the last full moon that our HP caught during the storm.  powerful shit right there, and along with the water falling from the storm into the cup, we drank some powerful stuff.

before i got sober, i’d have a couple of glasses of wine with the meal.  literally, two.  because i knew that in several hours i’d have to go home.  luckily, i was always somehow clear enough to know NEVER to drive after drinking.  i never did get behind the wheel buzzed or drunk.  in fact, i was even paranoid about the two glasses i’d had 4 or 5 hours earlier when i’d leave.  of course they’d worn off hours ago.  besides, i had a bottle waiting for me at home anyway.  so i’d come home after ritual and drink how i wanted to drink.

last night, i came home, played with my dogs, played on the computer for a while, and went to bed.  i slept so good, all night long.  i woke up at like 8 or so, and told myself it was too early, and went back to sleep until 9:30.  i haven’t slept past 7 in probably a month or more.  it was FANFUCKINGTABULOUS!  oh my goddess.  i needed that so bad.

the husband and kids went to alabama this weekend, leaving me home alone since i had ritual and i had to work.  i absolutely will NOT miss ritual.  i’d miss out on something else first.  the only time i’d miss is if there was a life or death emergency.  i’ve enjoyed having the time to myself.  it’s been nice.  but i miss everyone.  they are leaving to come home later today.

today marks the beginning of my 5th month on my #alcoholfree2016 journey.  i officially have four months sober.  wow.  i’m impressed with myself.  i actually should have seven months sober, stupid relapse.  but, six our of the last 7 months sober.  yall.  that is SO HUGE FOR ME.  i’m still mad at myself for relapsing, and so easily.  but, it is what it is, i can’t change it.  but, i know for sure that i can’t drink just one time.  i’ll drink the next night, and the next, and the next, then probably take a break for a week, then drink again.  that’s how it went when i relapsed.  it was for a month, but in reality, i only drank MAYBE 15 days out of the month, because i’d drink some, then not drink for a week or two, then drink, then stop for a few days.  so, not quite as frequent as before i quit, but i noticed i was drinking more when i did drink.  like, i’d finish my bottle of wine, then take a couple of shots of husbands vodka or whiskey that my brother in law left.  that wasn’t good.  so, i can’t drink like a normal person.  and i’ve finally accepted that as a fact.  as much as i’d like to want to someday, i just can’t.  and i don’t even miss it anymore like i did at first.  now that i’ve made it this long, i see how much better i am and how much better i feel without it.  i kinda miss the escape it brought, but not the drinking itself.  but, i enjoy feeling things again much more than escaping them.  each time i deal with a tough feeling and i don’t try to escape it, i come out a little bit stronger.

sobriety is fun.  sobriety is enjoyable.  sobriety is peaceful.  sobriety is feeling.  sobriety is much more than just not drinking.  sobriety is learning who you truly are and what you are capable of.  sobriety challenges you to punch your fears in the face.

four months

im finally figuring out how to put stuff onto my phone card thingy, and created enough space to get the wordpress app on my phone. so now i can have easier access to posting instead of having to sit in front of the computer each time. isn’t it awesome what you can learn when you have a clear head? 

today marks 121 days now. this is the end of my fourth month on my #alcoholfree2016 journey. sometimes i wonder what’s different about this time, then I catch myself and stop questioning and accept it in gratitude. i can’t believe i have FOUR MONTHS sober. this year is going by SO quickly. back in january i remember sitting here during those first long days “before i know it, its going to be april.”  now april is just about over. 

i really should be sleeping, i have a busy day tomorrow. i have to go into work early to get stuff done cause i have a reiki client (a real, paying one!), then i have to get ready for beltane celebration with my coven. im trying to enjoy the peace and quiet while it lasts.

the husband took the girls to alabama to see our family. i had too much going on and couldn’t go. my father in law fell and broke his hip and had to have a replacement today. his bones are so brittle I don’t know how they did it. he broke his shoulder a while back and wasn’t a candidate for surgery, said his bones would just crumble putting pins and rods in it. he has awful diabetes he doesn’t take care of, so basically they said there was nothing they could do but hope it didn’t get infected and kill him. so, if you feel inclined, please shoot a good thought or prayer his way.

im gonna crawl into bed and then curse staying up so late come 7 am.. 

reflection

you may be wondering why my blog looks different, and has a different title.  well, it’s simple.  things change.  i found my way to sober.  i’m not looking for it anymore, i’ve found it.  i’m thinking of editing or deleting some of the early posts, some of the really private stuff, and sharing this blog.  somehow, i have 63 followers.  woah.  do that many people really want to hear my crazy shit?  and, that’s without me sharing this blog, so i have no idea how in the hell they found me.  but, hello.

so…first off.  witchwaytosober was a name that came up while i was meditating one day.  almost a year ago.  and when you’re ready to start something you don’t sit there and think about long term (well, at least i didn’t anyway).  i think i started this blog in june of 2015.  i’m glad, well, not really, but you know what i mean, that it has several posts of when i was relapsing, and a failed attempt at 100 day sober challenge.  yeah, it was challenging so i did what i normally do, give up and hide.  getting sober was really hard.  much harder than staying sober.  at that time, i really was looking for a way to being sober.  i had no idea wtf i was doing, really.  until something just clicked at the end of september.  it was on the autumn equinox actually.  it lasted just over two months, and i suddenly slipped again and got caught back up in my normal cycle for a month before i got it together again.  my alcohol free 2016 is going amazing.

i am not the same person i was three months ago.  i’ve had a tremendous amount of growth in these very short 112 days.  i have MONTHS sober.  i’m not far away from doubling the time i had before my month long relapse.  20 days in fact.  i sit here in awe of that.  there was a time when i honestly thought there was absolutely no way i could ever stop, even though i wanted it SO badly.  maybe i wanted it TOO much and went in with the wrong mindset.  this year, i just kinda gave up.  i surrendered.  i decided that i would just ride the wave, no matter where it takes me.  it’s taken me to some places i didn’t want to go.  it’s crashed, leaving broken shells scattered about.  but it’s also taken me to some great places as well.  it’s taken me to yoga instructor certification, and its taking me to become a SMART recovery facilitator.  i’ve stayed sober though a vacation, the death of my grandmother, parties, and celebrations.  could it be that i’ve finally found what i’m looking for?  i know i say that every single time.  every time i’ve found THE way that is going to work for me THIS time.  truth is, there isn’t ONE way that works for me.  surrendering to the moment has allowed me to be more flexible in my sobriety.  i ask myself “what do i need right now?”  cravings are rare, so i don’t use that question very often for them, but i love it because i can use it for ANYTHING.  sometimes i need to meditate, sometimes i need to stop and do a couple of yoga poses, sometimes i need a cup of tea, sometimes i need to scream or cry or punch something.  sometimes i need to pull an oracle card for some guidance.  sometimes i need some reiki.  sometimes i need to go outside.  sometimes i need to paint.

i chose sober goddess, because damnit, i’m a goddess.  and i’m sober.  and it may help with a super long term idea i’m tossing around.  i’ve found my sober, and i’m ready to fully embrace my goddessness.   i think i’m almost ready to share this.  with some people anyway.  but as i said there is some stuff i don’t want visible, so i’ll have to go figure out how to fix that.  we all know i suck hard with technology.  i don’t even know how i got my colors and pictures changed.  but i figured it out, my own way.  just like i’m doing with this sobriety thing.