..if there was no beginning, where would you start?
i knew it would come, and i have been dreading it. the day where everything seems to turn to shit. but, im staying positive, and telling myself that i can’t control anything except myself. im sure it has a lot to do with the fact i haven’t had a cigarette since monday.
im taking way all of my fucking safety blankets. why does anything that makes me feel better have to be bad for me? so, last night, i forgot to shut the coop to my little chickens. this morning i let the dog out to pee, and yeah. so im down three chickens this morning. i don’t know if im more pissed at myself, my dog, or the fact that i can’t smoke.
im having not so great side effects from quitting smoking too. im all stuffy and phlegmy (omfg, my autocorrect tried to change that to phlegm you, wtf?), im hacking up nasty shit and coughing a bunch. my ears keep popping. im gassy, bloated, and eating anything i can get my hands on. fuck man, detoxing blows balls. i think back to the other times ive quit, and i can’t remember it being this bad. like, when i quit 11 years ago, i remember all these nasty side effects because i though i was dying or something and we looked it it, luckily i wasn’t dying, it just felt like it.
i quit before my last relapse. i had like, three weeks or something without them. i should go back and read my posts during that time and see if i can gain any insight. i should have stayed away when i quit 11 years ago. hell,then i could even have a little wine and be fine without them. oh the days before the problems.
is it possible to be in a good mood and a bad mood at the same time?? like, im having a shitty day, and im riding the emotional roller coaster in the front seat with a broken safety belt. but i can see the good things, i am still seeing things positively, i know it’s just a bad moment, and that ill get through it.
it’s also hectic because yesterday little kid turned nine, and tomorrow big kid turns sixteen. so there’s all that baggage as well. but, it’s all good. my babies aren’t babies anymore, and now i feel like im not sure what to to or where i belong. the little kid will complete third grade this year, so it’s not like i can claim the stay at home mom title anymore. i have my job, that’s part time on the weekends. so there’s that.
oh!! something very awesome, tomorrow i begin my SMART facilitator training. it’s seemed like forever ago i signed up for it. i didnt think this day would ever get here. it says it’s work at your own pace and approximately 30 hours, so i should be done this weekend. haha. but for real, my yoga training classes were like six hours, and i finished them all but one video in one day. im really excited about starting.
i also have my retreats to look forward to next month. and at some point a trip to nc to check out the retreat center and make plans for the ceremonies and stuff. im super excited. i am so ready for some camping. maybe me and the kids can go when school is out. 5 more days.
i feel like this post is all over the place, as ive typed it out over the span of a couple of hours. different moods, you can see just how all over the place my brain is. i guess im going to make a cup of tea and wander around the house in circles.
Sober Goddess 