i’m 34 years ago. 17 years ago, I was 17 years old. holy shit, has it been that long? i still feel like i’m 17. anyway. tonight, i was transported back in time. i was 17, and i had never been drunk. i’d had beers here and there and maybe a slight buzz once or twice, but that was about it. my friend i ran around with at the time knew the owners of one of the bars here in town (both of them are long gone now), so she was able to go whenever she wanted and when we started hanging out i tagged along. i was drinking a beer. i didn’t even like beer. i had to choke it down and hope i didn’t vomit. god i was such a pathetic lightweight. my friend was off playing pool or looking for someone who was horny and had two legs. i was standing by the bar, and this lady, maybe late 40’s to early 80’s (she looked very rough, washed up, bleach blonde with 3 lbs of make up that caked in her wrinkles, cigarette in one hand and beer in the other, basically the “white trash” drunk woman you see in movies, but this was real life) started talking to me.
i wish i could tell you that she had some life lesson to give me, or had great words of wisdom. but honestly, all i remember is that she slurred her words, and i cannot remember a single thing she said to me. what i DO remember is thinking “oh god i hope i don’t end up like that one day.” did i manifest this into my life in some way by saying that? While I quite didn’t end up exactly like that woman, i came pretty damn close. though i don’t have blonde hair, nor do i wear make up and drink beer, but i did wear my pajamas all the time unless i threw on a pair of jeans to go get wine, but most days the husband would pick it up for me on his way home. so, i was sitting there on the couch, or outside smoking with a wine glass glued to my hand. though the minor details differ just a bit, i became exactly what i said i didn’t want to become.
i’m having a tough time digesting that one. i was young, dumb, and just out to have a good time. plus, i was 17 and in a bar that even the cool kids couldn’t get into so i felt extra special. never in my teenage mind did i ever think that i would end up with a drinking problem. honestly, i never even thought about the future. like, ever. at all. even as a young child. i never had goals or aspirations of what i wanted to be when i grow up. no one ever told me to think about my future or college or anything like that. so i’ve done this whole life thing on the fly, riding along with other people because i don’t know how to do it on my own. i’m just as confused about the future as i was 17 years ago.
i never saw her before or after that, and i live in a really small town. everybody knows everybody. maybe she had words i needed to hear, but i don’t remember them. i think she was there, as a mirror to myself, and as a warning that i totally failed to see. but tonight, i saw that message loud and clear.
i no longer have to be that lady at the bar. i no longer have to be that woman who drinks wine on her couch every night. i have the choice to be whoever i want, and i choose NOT to be those types of people any longer. i remember looking at that woman, i was disgusted. not by her personally, but that a person could allow themselves to be like that. i couldn’t tell you how many times i’ve looked at myself with that same disgust. i have the choice each day to be anything i can dream of, and each day it’s getting easier to make the good and positive choices. in less than half an hour, i will have 80 days sober. EIGHTY DAYS YALL. THAT IS HUGE!!
Sober Goddess 