the woman at the bar

i’m 34 years ago.  17 years ago, I was 17 years old.  holy shit, has it been that long?  i still feel like i’m 17.  anyway.  tonight, i was transported back in time.  i was 17, and i had never been drunk.  i’d had beers here and there and maybe a slight buzz once or twice, but that was about it.  my friend i ran around with at the time knew the owners of one of the bars here in town (both of them are long gone now), so she was able to go whenever she wanted and when we started hanging out i tagged along.  i was drinking a beer.  i didn’t even like beer.  i had to choke it down and hope i didn’t vomit.  god i was such a pathetic lightweight.  my friend was off playing pool or looking for someone who was horny and had two legs.  i was standing by the bar, and this lady, maybe late 40’s to early 80’s (she looked very rough, washed up, bleach blonde with 3 lbs of make up that caked in her wrinkles, cigarette in one hand and beer in the other, basically the “white trash” drunk woman you see in movies, but this was real life) started talking to me.

i wish i could tell you that she had some life lesson to give me, or had great words of wisdom.  but honestly, all i remember is that she slurred her words, and i cannot remember a single thing she said to me.  what i DO remember is thinking “oh god i hope i don’t end up like that one day.”  did i manifest this into my life in some way by saying that?  While I quite didn’t end up exactly like that woman, i came pretty damn close.  though i don’t have blonde hair, nor do i wear make up and drink beer, but i did wear my pajamas all the time unless i threw on a pair of jeans to go get wine, but most days the husband would pick it up for me on his way home.  so, i was sitting there on the couch, or outside smoking with a wine glass glued to my hand.  though the minor details differ just a bit, i became exactly what i said i didn’t want to become.

i’m having a tough time digesting that one.  i was young, dumb, and just out to have a good time.  plus, i was 17 and in a bar that even the cool kids couldn’t get into so i felt extra special.  never in my teenage mind did i ever think that i would end up with a drinking problem.  honestly, i never even thought about the future.  like, ever.  at all.  even as a young child.  i never had goals or aspirations of what i wanted to be when i grow up.  no one ever told me to think about my future or college or anything like that.  so i’ve done this whole life thing on the fly, riding along with other people because i don’t know how to do it on my own.  i’m just as confused about the future as i was 17 years ago.

i never saw her before or after that, and i live in a really small town.  everybody knows everybody.  maybe she had words i needed to hear, but i don’t remember them.  i think she was there, as a mirror to myself, and as a warning that i totally failed to see.  but tonight, i saw that message loud and clear.

i no longer have to be that lady at the bar.  i no longer have to be that woman who drinks wine on her couch every night.  i have the choice to be whoever i want, and i choose NOT to be those types of people any longer.  i remember looking at that woman, i was disgusted.  not by her personally, but that a person could allow themselves to be like that.  i couldn’t tell you how many times i’ve looked at myself with that same disgust.  i have the choice each day to be anything i can dream of, and each day it’s getting easier to make the good and positive choices.  in less than half an hour, i will have 80 days sober.  EIGHTY DAYS YALL.  THAT IS HUGE!!

not as bad as it sounds

i love living in a small mountain town.  it’s nice, pretty quiet, and peaceful.  what i don’t like, is there isn’t much around.  the only meetings in my area is 12 step based.  but i would really prefer something different.  i want something that resonates with my beliefs.  or maybe i just want a group of sober people to simply hang out with.  i know one other sober person around me.  i have attended non 12 step meetings, but the closes ones are at least half an hour in any direction.  i’d really like to hang out with other sober moms, but i don’t know if there are any in my area, or if there are, i don’t know them.  kinda like a support get together or something.  but i’m still not ready to blast my business just yet.  so, i’m torn.  i need support.  i’ve done this on my own so far, and it’s working out well, but i’d really like to have sober friends that don’t live in a computer screen.

i know there is a need for recovery in my area.  meth is a big problem up.  i tend to stay isolated, so i don’t really know much about alcohol around here.  i just assume everyone else who drinks is a normal drinker.  which brings me to another thing..

i’ve talked before about how i was a normal drinker before my problem.  but lately i’ve been looking back and thinking about my drinking before it got bad.  i’ve come to realize, i’ve NEVER been a normal drinker.  ok, well maybe like the first 3 times i drank and only had two beers just to look cool.  the first time i REALLY got drunk, i was 17.  i don’t remember much from that night.  i do remember about two seconds of throwing up in the bathroom.  apparently i got REALLY sick.  after that, every time i drank, i drank with the intent of getting drunk.  what NOW seems like “normal” drinking, like 2 drinks in a night, would get me trashed.  after that first actual drunk, i never drank normally.  for a long time it was few and far between.  then it became every saturday night over at a friends.  after my pregnancy, i really didn’t drink a whole lot for the first several months after giving birth, and all of a sudden it was every single night.  i’d wake up every morning and vomit before i got my oldest up.  sometimes i’d have to again while she was getting ready for school.  then i’d feel fine and go about my day.  after a while, the throwing up every morning finally stopped.  and almost 8 years later, here i am.

now, i never had goals or anything as a kid.  i never had dreams.  i didn’t dream of a wedding, i never once thought about what i’d want to be when i grew up.  i knew i’d get married and have kids before i was 25.  that was it.  and that happened.  i got married at 23, and had my second child at 25.  now that my head is becoming clearer, i realize i feel SO stuck.  i have no education, just a GED.  i have no real work skills outside of food service, and i so super hate doing that.  i say i’d love to go back to school, but honestly, i don’t know if i have the patience for years of school again.  but i don’t want to be stuck.  i want to figure out what i want to do.  i literally feel like i’m wasting my life away.  not in a bad way, i do things i enjoy like paint, arts and crafts and stuff, but i’m not really doing anything with my life.  i have no goals, no plans.  i don’t even know how to make goals and plans.  as an only child, and the baby of the grandkids, i’ve always been taken care of by someone else all of my life, and was never taught how to be self sufficient.  if something happened to my husband, i’d be screwed.  i couldn’t support my girls and pay the bills and buy food.  there’s no way i could find something to pay what he makes to keep us going.  and it really scares me that i wouldn’t be able to support myself, or my family.  it really sucks having to ask someone for money all your life.  i know this all sounds depressing, but i’m not sad.  i just want to figure out what the fuck i’m doing here.  surely i have a purpose, a mission, a calling.  SOMETHING has to be out there for me.  how i do i find it?  does it find me?  do i start looking or do i wait for it to come to me?  where the hell would i even begin to start looking?  i do have a few things i’d be interested in, but the training isn’t like actual school, and i can’t afford the courses i want.  at this moment, i have $5.35 in my bank account.  it’s very rare i have two numbers on the left side of the dot.  if i have three, it’s because i need to make a big purchase, so it’s not like it’s there just to have.

as you can tell, i’m super frustrated by my financial situation at the moment.  i need at least $75 by this weekend.  it’s thursday, and i need $50 of it by saturday, and $25 by sunday.  i work tomorrow, but i only work two hours a week, and since i get paid cash, i can get advances.  i had some issues a few weeks ago and had to get a couple, so now i’m $100 in the hole at work.  which doesn’t really matter, i can work it off in time, and it’s not like the $17 a day i make one day a week will make a difference if i get it in cash.  so yeah.  i’m beginning priestess training in my coven, and if i can’t make the money each month, i’m going to have to put that on hold.  i have a retreat with my coven coming up in june, which is several hundred dollars, and then there is goddess fest in ca, which with everything would be around $1K or so.  i tried lowering prices on my card readings, half price actually, and not a single one sold.  i try to win the lottery, but all i ever win is free tickets.  haha.  why can’t we go back to the day where we can give people chickens for services?  i could part with one of my chickens.  the mean one.  she can go.  but really.  ahhh.  i feel kinda better just getting that OUT.  i know things will work out and that worry and stress isn’t going to help.  but, part of me is human and right now, that part is winning.

so back to my original point of this post.  sorry i got sidetracked on that whole thing.  i want more sober people in my life. physically.  i do absolutely adore the sober friends i have met online and they have been super helpful and supportive, i want people i can physically talk to and be with.  not ask a question and wonder if anyone will answer at all, or how long it will take to get an answer.  so yeah.  i have an awesome group of friends, but they are not sober, because they can control their alcohol, or have been through an addiction.  i just feel stuck in a rut and i want out of it.  i’ve gotten past the hurdle of getting sober, now it’s what to do next.

i know this post seems all over the place emotionally, but it’s really not.  i’m in a pretty good mood today.  and i’m feeling even better now that i got all that SHIT out of my head.  i’ve been wanting to paint for three days, so maybe i’ll do that here in a bit.

so thankful

ohmygoddess was today ever a test.  if you read my previous post, you’ll read about it.  long story short, two weeks without a cigarette has turned me into a basket case. 

my craving finally went away about 5 this evening. i do have to say, this day so far has been my worst day since i quit drinking. but its not the alcohol im craving, its the cigarettes. anyway. i don’t want to talk about that.

i am beyond grateful to be sober today. i am grateful for all of those who are there for me, show me support, and help lift me when i am weak. my husband, my friends, my mom, facebook friends, recovery groups and pages and websites, my blog friends (you guys are amazing for dealing with my crazy ass deepest thoughts), and my dogs. SMART recovery has completely changed my life and without it i wouldn’t have almost two months sober.

i no longer feel blue and confused with what i am doing with my life. for once, i have real goals to better myself.  i have plans for the future and i am excited about it. i feel free from the wine. something i have wanted to feel for many years. now that i have it, i hold on to it as tight as i can.  i don’t ever want to loosen or lose my grip. ive worked too hard, ive come so far, and i refuse to ever go back.