shadows

im sitting here messaging with a dear friend who has just began her recovery journey.  i like to think i give good advice and tips sometimes.  i was replying, spouting off random shit without thinking about what i was saying. a lot of times that gets me into trouble.  but once in a while, something so brilliant comes out, that i cannot believe it came from me.  well, that just happened. here is how the snipped of the conversation went:

friend:  My shadow since can’t be trusted.  Well she obviously had some really big shit to show me and it took a lot for me to really learn. 

me:  Yep.  You have to learn to work with your shadows instead of against them.  That was a hard one for me to learn.  Instead of being an alcoholic, I’m using my alcohol experience to try and help others.  So in a way alcohol is still w big part of my life, but in a healthier and better way.  

so holy shit, she said i just blew her mind.  i was like “I JUST BLEW MY OWN MIND!” she said she’d never thought of looking at it that way.  i never had either, until that randomly came out of me.  we both agreed that i needed to write that shit down somewhere, so here it is.  

the more i sit here and think about it, the more sense it’s making.  im sure I’ll be processing this thought over and over.  but as it just came to me, im still sitting here with my mind blown.  i love alcohol, obviously too much or i wouldn’t be sitting here in recovery for almost nine month. i feared having to completely cut alcohol from my life.  now i realize that i haven’t cut alcohol from my life.  it is still there in a big way.  i simply choose a different manner in how i perceive and interact with it.  i don’t have to drink alcohol for it to be in my life, and i can choose the ways i allow it to be in my life.  at the moment, the separation is working well.  i am happier with her not being here physically.  we are taking our time and slowly working through our issues.  that’s not meant to sound like i plan on drinking again, as i certainly don’t, but we obviously had issues, and those need to be healed. we have gotten past a lot of things, and im slowly becoming more comfortable with her presence in a room.  but now i hang with a different crowd on the other side of the room.  i leave the party if i feel she’s mingling her way closer to me. 

i am now using her as a warning.  i share my story and her dangerous wrath of destruction she can leave behind.  i don’t need to bash her, i don’t need to have her removed, i have to work with her gently and positively. that work, and time, are the only ways that we will fully resolve our issues and be at peace with one another, from a safe distance of course. 

working with your shadows doesn’t have to be scary.  we don’t need to fear them, that only gives them more fuel.  instead, start standing up for yourself to them.  tell them that you no longer allow them to rule your life negatively.  ask your shadows what it is you need to work on in a positive way to begin, or further, your healing. embrace them, don’t run from them.  they are just as much a part of you as the light.  and the light cannot exist without darkness. our shadows are our teaching tools.  they make up our story, the lessons that we need to learn. so stop hiding from them, stop thinking of them as scary, bad, or negative. get off your ass, face them, and work with them instead of fighting them.  how long have you fought them?  and how well did that work out?  maybe it’s time to try something different. 

message in a bottle

so, im taking something negative, and turning it into something good. message in a bottle represents change.  from ugly to beautiful.  im taking old bottles, stripping them down, and giving them a makeover. each bottle will be customized for its owner, and will include a hand written 9 card reading inside. portions of the money will go toward the purchase of supplies and materials to get my SMART recovery meetings going once i finish my facilitator training. 

Message In A Bottle

https://www.etsy.com/listing/384767334/message-in-a-bottle?ref=shop_home_active_1 

the woman at the bar

i’m 34 years ago.  17 years ago, I was 17 years old.  holy shit, has it been that long?  i still feel like i’m 17.  anyway.  tonight, i was transported back in time.  i was 17, and i had never been drunk.  i’d had beers here and there and maybe a slight buzz once or twice, but that was about it.  my friend i ran around with at the time knew the owners of one of the bars here in town (both of them are long gone now), so she was able to go whenever she wanted and when we started hanging out i tagged along.  i was drinking a beer.  i didn’t even like beer.  i had to choke it down and hope i didn’t vomit.  god i was such a pathetic lightweight.  my friend was off playing pool or looking for someone who was horny and had two legs.  i was standing by the bar, and this lady, maybe late 40’s to early 80’s (she looked very rough, washed up, bleach blonde with 3 lbs of make up that caked in her wrinkles, cigarette in one hand and beer in the other, basically the “white trash” drunk woman you see in movies, but this was real life) started talking to me.

i wish i could tell you that she had some life lesson to give me, or had great words of wisdom.  but honestly, all i remember is that she slurred her words, and i cannot remember a single thing she said to me.  what i DO remember is thinking “oh god i hope i don’t end up like that one day.”  did i manifest this into my life in some way by saying that?  While I quite didn’t end up exactly like that woman, i came pretty damn close.  though i don’t have blonde hair, nor do i wear make up and drink beer, but i did wear my pajamas all the time unless i threw on a pair of jeans to go get wine, but most days the husband would pick it up for me on his way home.  so, i was sitting there on the couch, or outside smoking with a wine glass glued to my hand.  though the minor details differ just a bit, i became exactly what i said i didn’t want to become.

i’m having a tough time digesting that one.  i was young, dumb, and just out to have a good time.  plus, i was 17 and in a bar that even the cool kids couldn’t get into so i felt extra special.  never in my teenage mind did i ever think that i would end up with a drinking problem.  honestly, i never even thought about the future.  like, ever.  at all.  even as a young child.  i never had goals or aspirations of what i wanted to be when i grow up.  no one ever told me to think about my future or college or anything like that.  so i’ve done this whole life thing on the fly, riding along with other people because i don’t know how to do it on my own.  i’m just as confused about the future as i was 17 years ago.

i never saw her before or after that, and i live in a really small town.  everybody knows everybody.  maybe she had words i needed to hear, but i don’t remember them.  i think she was there, as a mirror to myself, and as a warning that i totally failed to see.  but tonight, i saw that message loud and clear.

i no longer have to be that lady at the bar.  i no longer have to be that woman who drinks wine on her couch every night.  i have the choice to be whoever i want, and i choose NOT to be those types of people any longer.  i remember looking at that woman, i was disgusted.  not by her personally, but that a person could allow themselves to be like that.  i couldn’t tell you how many times i’ve looked at myself with that same disgust.  i have the choice each day to be anything i can dream of, and each day it’s getting easier to make the good and positive choices.  in less than half an hour, i will have 80 days sober.  EIGHTY DAYS YALL.  THAT IS HUGE!!