ahh.. blessed beltane!! full of love and fertility. opposite from samhain on the wheel of the year, the veil is very thin between our world and the fae. they are out in full force, and watch out because some can be sneaky little shits. last night we had beltane ritual. us priestess apprentices arrived early to get everything set up and ready. we set up the circle, the HP (high priestess, not higher power) hung the flowers and ribbons on a tree for our maypole, set up the fire, and planned out ritual.
everyone began to arrive, it was great seeing all my sisters again, and we had two new faces join us. i never had any sibling, and i was disappoint a lot in life because i didn’t. i always wondered what it was like to have that bond. to have someone so close, who knows every bit of you. who you can tell your secrets to, who always has your back. now, i have so many sisters i can’t even count.
we started our coven Mabon (in september) of 2014. out of the 8 or 9 women who showed up to that first one, other than the high priestess, only two of us still come. and again other than the hp, i am the only sister who has been to every single ritual (i guess i’m like that person who’s in church every time the doors are open, haha). in june, for summer solstice, we are hosting a retreat in north carolina, with lots of our california sisters flying out. this is going to be a HUUUUUUUUUUGE deal. our hp is actually going to be initiated officially as a HP. these cali sisters, especially the founder of the dianic tradition, have been watching us closely. they see what we are doing here. we hope to become an official hive of the tradition. this retreat will give us all the opportunity to show what we have learned, and what we are doing. last year, at a retreat i wasn’t able to attend, the HP and another friend went, told me that all of a sudden, they needed someone to call in a quarter, and friend volunteered to do it. they were so impressed by her jumping in, and said she did a fantastic job, and raved about her. THAT is what we want them seeing. things like that. to show that we have much knowledge, and it shows them just how well we are being trained as priestess apprentices.
anyway, back to beltane. you know, squirrels and shiny things. so we had a beautiful meal of some citrus chicken, asparagus (that i made), green beans, salad, desserts, it was yummy. then we sat around and let our food settle before going down to the circle. we got down there, and in the middle of ritual, it came a thunderstorm. it was so powerful. we got SOAKING wet. several of us were naked. it was SO POWERFUL. then i started to freeze as the fire started going out. the rain poured. i got bit by something on my foot. but it was so much fun. dancing naked in the storm, letting the water wash away anything that doesn’t serve me anymore, goddess, it was so freeing! afterward we went back in, dried off, and had desserts. i sat there cuddled under many blankets trying to get feeling back in my body.
it was really powerful. it was really fun. there were so many laugh. i love it. that’s one thing, we don’t take shit seriously. if we fuck up calling in a quarter, we all laugh. we eventually get the quarter called in. we think goddess surely has a sense of humor as well or these things wouldn’t happen. of course, we can be serious when needed, but our rituals aren’t focused on it. some parts are more serious than others, but mostly we have fun and go with the energy.
i am beyond grateful to be a part of my sisterhood. they are all so supportive of my sobriety, and make sure to accommodate that during ritual, by not having wine for cakes and ale, its usually some kind of juice or water. like last night, holy shit, we had full moon storm water from the last full moon that our HP caught during the storm. powerful shit right there, and along with the water falling from the storm into the cup, we drank some powerful stuff.
before i got sober, i’d have a couple of glasses of wine with the meal. literally, two. because i knew that in several hours i’d have to go home. luckily, i was always somehow clear enough to know NEVER to drive after drinking. i never did get behind the wheel buzzed or drunk. in fact, i was even paranoid about the two glasses i’d had 4 or 5 hours earlier when i’d leave. of course they’d worn off hours ago. besides, i had a bottle waiting for me at home anyway. so i’d come home after ritual and drink how i wanted to drink.
last night, i came home, played with my dogs, played on the computer for a while, and went to bed. i slept so good, all night long. i woke up at like 8 or so, and told myself it was too early, and went back to sleep until 9:30. i haven’t slept past 7 in probably a month or more. it was FANFUCKINGTABULOUS! oh my goddess. i needed that so bad.
the husband and kids went to alabama this weekend, leaving me home alone since i had ritual and i had to work. i absolutely will NOT miss ritual. i’d miss out on something else first. the only time i’d miss is if there was a life or death emergency. i’ve enjoyed having the time to myself. it’s been nice. but i miss everyone. they are leaving to come home later today.
today marks the beginning of my 5th month on my #alcoholfree2016 journey. i officially have four months sober. wow. i’m impressed with myself. i actually should have seven months sober, stupid relapse. but, six our of the last 7 months sober. yall. that is SO HUGE FOR ME. i’m still mad at myself for relapsing, and so easily. but, it is what it is, i can’t change it. but, i know for sure that i can’t drink just one time. i’ll drink the next night, and the next, and the next, then probably take a break for a week, then drink again. that’s how it went when i relapsed. it was for a month, but in reality, i only drank MAYBE 15 days out of the month, because i’d drink some, then not drink for a week or two, then drink, then stop for a few days. so, not quite as frequent as before i quit, but i noticed i was drinking more when i did drink. like, i’d finish my bottle of wine, then take a couple of shots of husbands vodka or whiskey that my brother in law left. that wasn’t good. so, i can’t drink like a normal person. and i’ve finally accepted that as a fact. as much as i’d like to want to someday, i just can’t. and i don’t even miss it anymore like i did at first. now that i’ve made it this long, i see how much better i am and how much better i feel without it. i kinda miss the escape it brought, but not the drinking itself. but, i enjoy feeling things again much more than escaping them. each time i deal with a tough feeling and i don’t try to escape it, i come out a little bit stronger.
sobriety is fun. sobriety is enjoyable. sobriety is peaceful. sobriety is feeling. sobriety is much more than just not drinking. sobriety is learning who you truly are and what you are capable of. sobriety challenges you to punch your fears in the face.
Sober Goddess 