lots o’ randomness

this week i decided to stay off social media.  it’s some social media blackout thing.  today is the third day, and i have over 100 notifications on my social media folder.  who knows how many i really have, because sometimes im notified of them.  i know i spend way more time on social media than i need to, and seeing that number in just over two days, there’s no telling how many hours i spend just clicking on notifications that pop up throughout the day  well, just facebook really.  ill use snapchat or Instagram for a few days, then not look at it for a month.  though i do have a Twitter, i never use it because im old and i don’t get it, i just have it for my periscope, which im usually on about once a week for an hour.  im usually part of the inspiring recovery scope train, my slot is for 10 minutes, the whole thing runs for an hour so i usually watch it. 

i got the idea from a friend who is doing it also.  i thought “oh i could easily do that” especially since i haven’t been to into fb lately.  i asked a few questions since i had been committed to my periscope slot.  i ended up googling the thing, because I was told periscope, and even messenger were off limits.  it didn’t make sense, because texting was still ok, and that’s basically what messenger is.  tv is not off limits, which is basically what periscope is.  it said that is your professional work involves social media you can use it without penalty (oooh they come get ya!) but you must draw the line between professional use and personal use.  though im not a professional, one hour for the periscope wouldn’t hurt.  besides, i don’t watch television, except twice a year.  lol. i binge watch OITNB in june, and i watch american horror story. which i am LOVING btw…any other ahs fans?! let’s talk!!  

anyway.  i posted that i was going to be off fb for a week, if i don’t post for a few days i start having people message me asking if im OK (this usually happens when i get sucked into the sims 3, which happens about every 4-6 months for about two weeks…there’s a pattern there lol).  i have to have messenger because that’s how i communicate with my priestess group, and this week is the time to plan out training, and for scheduling my sunday scope.  but, i don’t have to use the actual fb app for that, i have the app just for messages.  

i was asking my friend how hers was going, and sent her a screenshot of the insane amount of notifications.  she said she deleted all her social media apps so she wouldn’t be tempted to use them.  i got to to thinking about it, since deleting them never crossed my mind.  i haven’t been tempted to check them.  the first day i caught myself click the social media folder, totally out of habit.  i keep all the social media apps in one folder, so when i click it, it doesn’t actually open any social media.  that grabbed my attention. i do this so much, without even thinking about it or realize what i am doing, i just do it out of habit.  BIG RED SIGN. 

the other day, i hit NINE MONTHS SOBER YALL!!!  nine months i have not had a drink that contained alcohol.  no wine, no vodka, no whatever was left in the cabinet because i drank all my wine. i really can’t believe it. i guess working with quitting drinking and resisting that temptation has worked its way into other areas of my life. because as i said, i haven’t been tempted to check any of my social media.  ive maybe spent two minutes on messenger. 

and ya know, it’s been nice.  yesterday between work, i did quite a bit of crafting and making shit.  ive been wanting to create something for weeks now, so id get online and look for cool ideas instead of actually doing it.  it feels good to actually do it instead of just looking.  ive made some pretty cool samhain decorations, and finally set up my samhain altar.  im proud of it, it’s one of the most beautiful ones ive created. 

no social media, no alcohol, really shines a light onto how much time i waste.  i havent written on my book in a couple of weeks.  i started a painting a couple of weeks ago, half the canvas is still blank.  i have wanted to update my etsy shop and add stuff to it, i just haven’t done it.  i really want to sell some stuff because i desperately need money for a new tattoo. haha. i want one so bad. i have a few in mind. 

oh! and another cool thing.  im doing a free trial on ancestry and ive learned some pretty interesting things about my family. one, i found my grandfather.  my moms dad died when she was just three years old.  my granny had a very blurry picture of him above her bed, and we found one picture of him after she died. i found a picture of him and who i am assuming is his first wife, and their son.  my mom knew she had a step brother, but not until she was a teenager i think. they got some kind of check, and it was split five ways, with his other child.  i found the one picture id seen of him, and a few others.  one of when he was a baby, a couple as what im assuming an early teenager.  he would have been around 18 or 19 when his first child was born. he was born in 1925 i believe, and the baby 1944. that kinda blew my mind. also, my great great grand mother had her first child (my great grandmother) at age 12, her husband was 38!  and on the other side, my 4th great grandfather left his wife.  the census record i found has his age listed as 73, her age listed 38, and they were still having children, or recently had their last, i think the youngest child listed was 1 or 2.  

so yeah, this post isn’t really inspiring and is all over the place.  i get to witting and i don’t want to shop.  perhaps i should put this motivation into working on my book. 

trip..drama..long post..pictures..

i realize it’s been over a month since my last post.  i had a long post typed out when i opened my app, i guess i never finished or posted. long story short, family drama iver alcohol yet again. im not speaking to my dad and i have lost all respect for him. he found my mom with vodka, and poured out the bottle all over her.  i went down to help her and bring her to my house, i think my dad was expecting me to come in mad at my mom for drinking again, but i told him what an abusive asshole he was. at one point, he lowered down to my height and drew back his hand and said “I’ll knock the fuck out of both of you.”  i stood my ground, and i didn’t back down. he left to go drink beer, and i took my mom to my house. two days lat, my dad was sitting up there with all the other preachers at church. im done with the man.  i forgive him, and im not angry anymore, im just done. 

now for the good part… i went to goddess fest in california and it was SO FUCKING AMAZING!!  i went with a bunch of my coven sisters. we stayed in san fransisco thursday night.  we went to alcatraz, i had panic attacks on the boat ride over because i have an irrational unknown fear of boats that suddenly developed when i was in my late teens.  i got to meet one of the last living prisoners who was there, and i got him to sign his book for my daughter.  i also got a picture with him. 

we went out to eat and i was the only one not drinking. i felt out of place at first, but then i started to read the book i bought and quickly became sucked into it. we went back to the hotel and went to bed, we were tired from traveling and three hours behind.  

we arrived at the goddess fest friday, and i was quickly put to work. they needed someone last minute to work a shift at the registration table. my name was the one everyone suggested.  i felt honored to do it.  and it gave me time to connect with another sister that I didn’t know, that was really nice. 

the rituals and workshops were wonderful and mind blowing.  i participated in a self blessing, which required standing nude in front of a mirror. it was very empowering.  i made a crown of bay laurel leaves which i wore over the weekend. i went on a hike through the redwoods with three other sisters.  we chose not to do the guided hike.  and im glad. we experienced some great energy and took some awesome pictures. let me tell ya, there’s nothing like standing bare ass naked in a ray of sunlight in the redwoods. it was really a wonderful experience.  

there was lots of drinking, but i was ok.  i was happy to be sober because i laughed so fucking hard and i remember everything. and i didn’t wake up feeling like total shit!!  one of the sisters with us that lives in ca who met us there has been sober for 15 years and has been amazing support for me online.  when i first saw her i gave her a big hug and said “oh wow, you’re REAL!”  i got some great pictures, and pretty funny videos, that i surely wouldn’t have been able to get if i had been drinking. 

the weekend flew by.  i did a sacred dance class, a weed talk, made a little doll, and got some goodies.  someone told me there was a faerie figurine inside that looked like me. it was s little pixie with purple hair, wearing green and purple.  i have short purple pixie hair, and i was wearing green and purple. i also bought a diana statue for my altar. i got to meet one of my favorite her so authors, she’s the one who did the weed talk on edible weeds. i got to meet the founder of the dianic tradition, which is the tradition of witchcraft i follow.

 

after the festival ended sunday, we drove down to stinson beach and stayed in a cute little beach house until tuedsay.  it was so beautiful and so much fun.  i was the only one sober, so i began a notebook of funny shit that was said.  one of the girls said she wanted to channel, and wanted me to write down what she said.  she sat down in front of me, and what followed for the next hour i cannot even explain.  she channeled the goddess kali.  she had messages and words of wisdom.  after about a page and a half of scribbling and trying to keep up, i had to quit taking notes. it was too fast, too much, and i was too amazed by what was happening to write anymore. 

afterwards more drinks were in order, as well as skinny dipping in the freezing ass ocean.  i never made it to the ocean that night.  one sister was celebrating her 59th birthday, and boy did she celebrate. she’s a nurse, who travels and works way too much and way too hard. she definitely earned a night to cut loose.  and she had channeled a christian man, who the house/property used to belong to.  so yea, she deserved that night lol. poor woman fell on the way to the beach, my tiny ass, and another girl had to get her ass up and back to and into the house.  we got her to her bed finally.  she was almost out when she said she was going to be sick.  we rolled her over, and she goes “im ok.”  we rolled her back over to try to sleep, and the same thing happened.  we did that senario about ten times, literally.  me and the other girl were cracking up because during all of this she never stopped saying hilarious shit.  she finally did get sick.  after that fiasco, we were just finishing cleaning everything up when a bunch of cold, wet, naked witches came in from the beach. 

the next day everyone laid around recovering.  except for me, i felt fine.  went out and ate with two other girls, got necessities for the night, and went back.  we walked along the beach for almost an hour   we had a lovely sunset ritual on the beach, and offered flowers to the ocean.  it was absolutely beautiful.

i didn’t want to come home and have to face reality again.  the day before we left, i get a text from my husband to call asap.  i called but i couldn’t hear anything.  my speaker apparently been messed up because within ten seconds of being on the beach i dropped my phone in the water. he wouldn’t say anything over text, so i got someone’s phone and called.   my mom had a seizure at work.  she’s ok.  she has a doctors appointment in the morning. probably from drinking and her medicine.  im not even getting into all of that right now.  it’s too much and too much negative energy for me.  im in a good place and id like to stay here. 

so, once again, a challenge defeated. it was almost a weeklong trip, around tons and tons of alcohol, and i didn’t drink.  as of today, i have 262 days, just over 8.5 months sober. you guys.  EIGHT AND A HALF MONTHS SOBER!!!  Can y’all believe this shit?!   i don’t even keep track of it anymore.  i had to go back and look at my counter app to see how much time i had.  not drinking is such a normal part of my life now that i just don’t think about it anymore.   i remember that first month sober, when drinking or not drinking was constantly on my mind. the thought of being sober, the the thought of “im not drinking” never left my head.  i wondered if they would ever stop.  well, eventually they did.  

even though ive been tough some rough and stressful shit the past few months, drinking has not once crossed my mind.  and seeing what it’s doing to my mom, and the problems it’s causing with my parents, i thank the goddess so much for helping me to bring myself out of a situation id wanted out of for so long.  i am free, the chains that bound me to alcohol broke, allowing me to let go for good.   

out of all my sober moments i’ve had, my favorite is and always will be when my daughter told me she was proud of me. 

family drama over alcohol

so y’all know i just went through some marriage issues.  things are so much better now. but now my parents are having issues.  my dad has been staying next door at his mothers house the past few days. my mom has had a lot of issues and accidents with alcohol lately.  she mixeds it with her medications which really fucks her up. it’s all prescribed, and my dad keeps her meds locked up and gives them to her as directed. but when she drinks a bottle of vodka, all those muscle relaxers, sleeping pills, zanex, and whatever else she’s on just doesn’t mix.  it’s all things for her that she takes at night, half of them she doesn’t even know why she is on them.  

now, my parents are simple country folks.  my dad once told my husband that he has no reason to leave the county, everything he needs is right here.  they do not know how to use modern technology. it took months of me and my daughter showing them how to use dvr and Facebook on their smart phones they can’t figure out. daddy called me tonight and asked if i could come down and talk with them.  so i went down and played counselor for them.  and im and only child, so im lucky enough to get to deal with all this shit all by myself,  yippie….  fuck me. 

my parents have always done drugs.  even as a child, but i don’t remember any of it.  my mom gave me a coca cola with a straw once, and i sucked it through my nose and cried “it burns it burns” because apparently id been around when she snorted coke and heard her say it burns.  so i did it with coke the drink. i was maybe 3 she said.  i have no recollection whatsoever. they used to do meth. tonight daddy said he never cared for it, but he did it so my mom wouldn’t do so much of it.  just the other day my husband said there was many times he drank more than he wanted just so i wouldn’t get into it and get completely wasted. 

day before yesterday i went to my parents, and found my mom in the floor passed out under a pile of clothes between the two beds in their bedroom.  i grabbed her foot, and she was cold and clammy.  i immediately thought i was going to have to call my dad and tell him mama was dead. i grabbed her hands and pulled her up and she finally came to.  she denied being on anything and said she must have fell off he bed. i knew better.  later she told me she’d taken her zanex and then drank afterwards.  she’s emotionally fucked up because my dad left and hasn’t been staying (he came back tonight), she’s been out of work since July 4th and needs a dr clearance to go back, but the doctor won’t call her back. so she’s worried and frustrated over that.  she said she almost passed out yesterday and felt really weird, and hadn’t been drinking or anything, and it really scared her.  

my dad got a brochure from work that im going to look into for them.  i guess it’s counseling services, and it deals with emotional wellness like depression and addiction. she thinks she’s depressed because she’s worried about her job, and obviously has addiction issues.  i also told her im going to put together some smart recovery stuff for her and help her through it.  

my dad left after the other day.  he banned alcohol at the house, but she went and got a bottle, he found her passed out in the bed with it and several stashed under the mattress.  but he has been doing out and drinking after work because he doesn’t want to bring his beer home around her. to the fact that he laid his bike over coming home after having a few beers.  he drinks, but he can drink normal.  two or three beers and that’s it.  my mom is like me.   once she starts, she can’t stop.  and with these medicines these doctors have her on, it really fucks her up.  my dad just cannot deal with it anymore.  he’s giving this one last shot, and if she fucks up, he is absolutely done, but said he will do whatever he takes because he loves her and wants to be back together like they were without her being so fucked up she falls over flat on her back and head, or coming home and finding her passed out in the floor.  the couch is burned to hell with cigarette holes, it’s a wonder she hasn’t burned the house down.  

im going to do whatever i can to help my mom, and help my dad, and help them get their relationship back.  my mom said after me finding her, it really made her realize it, and that was the last time she drank anything. so my mom has two day sober.  i hope that she can make it many, many, many more. 

i’m freeeee

yes..i realize i have a ridiculous tan line.  go ahead and laugh.  for the third year in a row, I shaved my head with st. baldricks for childhood cancer.  our event has raised over $6,000 to date!!  you can still donate, and you can find my link and more of the story here.  

aaaaaaannddd….I GOT MY BOTTLE.  my husband brought it to me yesterday, i guess my mom poured it into a new container.  i’d had a horrible stomach ache, and when he handed it to me i literally started to gag (if you didn’t read my last post, i was wanting a wine bottle that’s really cool, and my mom didn’t want me to pour it out).  i made him take it in and wash it.  so, i added a new bottle to me “cool bottle collection ” and i didn’t drink it.  that’s a first. 

as i am sitting here typing this, i realize just how normal not drinking has become in my life. now, when i go to the dollar store, i don’t even think about the liquor store anymore. they are right beside each other and were always my two most frequent stops.  in the early weeks, i’d catch myself staring at it as i passed.  a couple of times i almost turned into the liquor store by habit, cause i always went there first.  i would make sure we had our alcohol, even if it meant not getting what I wanted at the dollar store. i always had money for needed items, like the headache medicine i needed and drovers the and shit like that.  but that epsom salt for a nice soak, eh, fuck it, wine was more important. 

i am loving this feeling of freedom from alcohol. now when i want a nice hot bath, that epsom salt becomes my priority.  i love that i don’t obsessively think about drinking or not drinking.  i am learning to live in the moment, not worrying about tomorrow, or next year, or five years from now.  it also means not worrying about my past.   what’s done is done, i can’t change it, all i can do is focus on what is in front of me and try to be a better person than i was yesterday. 

ps.. i have 129 days sober

pss..the husband had 70 days sober

beltane..

ahh.. blessed beltane!!   full of love and fertility.  opposite from samhain on the wheel of the year, the veil is very thin between our world and the fae.  they are out in full force, and watch out because some can be sneaky little shits.  last night we had beltane ritual.  us priestess apprentices arrived early to get everything set up and ready.  we set up the circle, the HP (high priestess, not higher power) hung the flowers and ribbons on a tree for our maypole, set up the fire, and planned out ritual.

everyone began to arrive, it was great seeing all my sisters again, and we had two new faces join us.  i never had any sibling, and i was disappoint a lot in life because i didn’t.  i always wondered what it was like to have that bond.  to have someone so close, who knows every bit of you.  who you can tell your secrets to, who always has your back.  now, i have so many sisters i can’t even count.

we started our coven Mabon (in september) of 2014.  out of the 8 or 9 women who showed up to that first one, other than the high priestess, only two of us still come.  and again other than the hp,  i am the only sister who has been to every single ritual (i guess i’m like that person who’s in church every time the doors are open, haha).  in june, for summer solstice, we are hosting a retreat in north carolina, with lots of our california sisters flying out.  this is going to be a HUUUUUUUUUUGE deal.  our hp is actually going to be initiated officially as a HP.  these cali sisters, especially the founder of the dianic tradition, have been watching us closely.  they see what we are doing here.  we hope to become an official hive of the tradition.  this retreat will give us all the opportunity to show what we have learned, and what we are doing.  last year, at a retreat i wasn’t able to attend, the HP and another friend went, told me that all of a sudden, they needed someone to call in a quarter, and friend volunteered to do it.  they were so impressed by her jumping in, and said she did a fantastic job, and raved about her.  THAT is what we want them seeing.  things like that.  to show that we have much knowledge, and it shows them just how well we are being trained as priestess apprentices.

anyway, back to beltane.  you know, squirrels and shiny things.  so we had a beautiful meal of some citrus chicken, asparagus (that i made), green beans, salad, desserts, it was yummy.  then we sat around and let our food settle before going down to the circle.  we got down there, and in the middle of ritual, it came a thunderstorm.  it was so powerful.  we got SOAKING wet.  several of us were naked.  it was SO POWERFUL.  then i started to freeze as the fire started going out.  the rain poured.  i got bit by something on my foot.  but it was so much fun.  dancing naked in the storm, letting the water wash away anything that doesn’t serve me anymore, goddess, it was so freeing!  afterward we went back in, dried off, and had desserts.  i sat there cuddled under many blankets trying to get feeling back in my body.

it was really powerful.  it was really fun.  there were so many laugh.  i love it.  that’s one thing, we don’t take shit seriously.  if we fuck up calling in a quarter, we all laugh.  we eventually get the quarter called in.  we think goddess surely has a sense of humor as well or these things wouldn’t happen.  of course, we can be serious when needed, but our rituals aren’t focused on it.  some parts are more serious than others, but mostly we have fun and go with the energy.

i am beyond grateful to be a part of my sisterhood.  they are all so supportive of my sobriety, and make sure to accommodate that during ritual, by not having wine for cakes and ale, its usually some kind of juice or water.  like last night, holy shit, we had full moon storm water from the last full moon that our HP caught during the storm.  powerful shit right there, and along with the water falling from the storm into the cup, we drank some powerful stuff.

before i got sober, i’d have a couple of glasses of wine with the meal.  literally, two.  because i knew that in several hours i’d have to go home.  luckily, i was always somehow clear enough to know NEVER to drive after drinking.  i never did get behind the wheel buzzed or drunk.  in fact, i was even paranoid about the two glasses i’d had 4 or 5 hours earlier when i’d leave.  of course they’d worn off hours ago.  besides, i had a bottle waiting for me at home anyway.  so i’d come home after ritual and drink how i wanted to drink.

last night, i came home, played with my dogs, played on the computer for a while, and went to bed.  i slept so good, all night long.  i woke up at like 8 or so, and told myself it was too early, and went back to sleep until 9:30.  i haven’t slept past 7 in probably a month or more.  it was FANFUCKINGTABULOUS!  oh my goddess.  i needed that so bad.

the husband and kids went to alabama this weekend, leaving me home alone since i had ritual and i had to work.  i absolutely will NOT miss ritual.  i’d miss out on something else first.  the only time i’d miss is if there was a life or death emergency.  i’ve enjoyed having the time to myself.  it’s been nice.  but i miss everyone.  they are leaving to come home later today.

today marks the beginning of my 5th month on my #alcoholfree2016 journey.  i officially have four months sober.  wow.  i’m impressed with myself.  i actually should have seven months sober, stupid relapse.  but, six our of the last 7 months sober.  yall.  that is SO HUGE FOR ME.  i’m still mad at myself for relapsing, and so easily.  but, it is what it is, i can’t change it.  but, i know for sure that i can’t drink just one time.  i’ll drink the next night, and the next, and the next, then probably take a break for a week, then drink again.  that’s how it went when i relapsed.  it was for a month, but in reality, i only drank MAYBE 15 days out of the month, because i’d drink some, then not drink for a week or two, then drink, then stop for a few days.  so, not quite as frequent as before i quit, but i noticed i was drinking more when i did drink.  like, i’d finish my bottle of wine, then take a couple of shots of husbands vodka or whiskey that my brother in law left.  that wasn’t good.  so, i can’t drink like a normal person.  and i’ve finally accepted that as a fact.  as much as i’d like to want to someday, i just can’t.  and i don’t even miss it anymore like i did at first.  now that i’ve made it this long, i see how much better i am and how much better i feel without it.  i kinda miss the escape it brought, but not the drinking itself.  but, i enjoy feeling things again much more than escaping them.  each time i deal with a tough feeling and i don’t try to escape it, i come out a little bit stronger.

sobriety is fun.  sobriety is enjoyable.  sobriety is peaceful.  sobriety is feeling.  sobriety is much more than just not drinking.  sobriety is learning who you truly are and what you are capable of.  sobriety challenges you to punch your fears in the face.

busy queen bee

i’ve talked about the emotional roller coaster before.  yesterday, the train got stuck at the bottom.  the ride almost shut down.  but, somehow, it got repaired and is going again.  now it’s approaching the top of a hill.  isn’t it so fucking crazy that one day i can feel so miserable, and the next day feel on top of the world?  is there something screwed up in my brain?  rhetorical question, i already know that answer.

yesterday i helped a friend with her kids yoga class.  we tried Monday, but none of the smaller kids came.  it’s her first week, so theres still lots of time to grow.   anyway.  afterward i took my girls to eat since it was late and i didn’t feel good or want to cook.  on the way there, it was about 7:30.   i started thinking “wow, it’s 7:30, and i’m not trashed, i have things to do.”  my days always ended at 5 pm, which was drinking time.  it started off early in our drinking days, we’d wait till 5 because “if you drink before 5 you’re an alcoholic.”  joking of course, because we knew that wasn’t true, but also an excuse to justify our own drinking.  i hated days where i had school functions or something with the kids because that always put off the drinking time (well, i hate school functions to begin with, not just for interfering with my drinking).  but seriously, who does shit at 6, 7, or even 8 at night?!  WTF?!  everyone isn’t drunk by then?!  yoga started at 6:30.  if i were drinking, i’d be on my 3rd glass and freaking out about not having enough left by then.  i’d be in NO condition to yoga.  hell i wouldn’t even have been able to drive to the rec center.

we didn’t get home until about 8:45 last night.  it’s a drastic change from several months ago.  back at the end of September when i decided to really, really get sober, i didn’t have these things to do.  sobriety was a little more challenging.  i was always a sit on the couch drinker.  i didn’t have the option of going out to drink.  if we did, it was rare, and i would definitely make the best of it.  so that’s what we did.  we sat on the couch and drank.  just remembering that, the smell of the wine, the dizzy drunkenness, it makes me nauseous.  like, i was flipping through a magazine and my eye caught a vodka ad, and my gut reaction was nausea.  my stomach did a knot with disgust.  that’s something new.  something i like, in a weird way, because maybe that’s me beginning my next step in healing.

so, i kinda like this being busy thing.  it keeps me occupied.  i’ll be doing the class twice  week with my friend, and at some point i may end up doing my own class, or transforming my side room into a makeshift yoga place.  i’m really excited about the future and what is to come with all of this.  i need to learn patience, and trust divine timing.  because i’m the worlds most impatient person.