trip..drama..long post..pictures..

i realize it’s been over a month since my last post.  i had a long post typed out when i opened my app, i guess i never finished or posted. long story short, family drama iver alcohol yet again. im not speaking to my dad and i have lost all respect for him. he found my mom with vodka, and poured out the bottle all over her.  i went down to help her and bring her to my house, i think my dad was expecting me to come in mad at my mom for drinking again, but i told him what an abusive asshole he was. at one point, he lowered down to my height and drew back his hand and said “I’ll knock the fuck out of both of you.”  i stood my ground, and i didn’t back down. he left to go drink beer, and i took my mom to my house. two days lat, my dad was sitting up there with all the other preachers at church. im done with the man.  i forgive him, and im not angry anymore, im just done. 

now for the good part… i went to goddess fest in california and it was SO FUCKING AMAZING!!  i went with a bunch of my coven sisters. we stayed in san fransisco thursday night.  we went to alcatraz, i had panic attacks on the boat ride over because i have an irrational unknown fear of boats that suddenly developed when i was in my late teens.  i got to meet one of the last living prisoners who was there, and i got him to sign his book for my daughter.  i also got a picture with him. 

we went out to eat and i was the only one not drinking. i felt out of place at first, but then i started to read the book i bought and quickly became sucked into it. we went back to the hotel and went to bed, we were tired from traveling and three hours behind.  

we arrived at the goddess fest friday, and i was quickly put to work. they needed someone last minute to work a shift at the registration table. my name was the one everyone suggested.  i felt honored to do it.  and it gave me time to connect with another sister that I didn’t know, that was really nice. 

the rituals and workshops were wonderful and mind blowing.  i participated in a self blessing, which required standing nude in front of a mirror. it was very empowering.  i made a crown of bay laurel leaves which i wore over the weekend. i went on a hike through the redwoods with three other sisters.  we chose not to do the guided hike.  and im glad. we experienced some great energy and took some awesome pictures. let me tell ya, there’s nothing like standing bare ass naked in a ray of sunlight in the redwoods. it was really a wonderful experience.  

there was lots of drinking, but i was ok.  i was happy to be sober because i laughed so fucking hard and i remember everything. and i didn’t wake up feeling like total shit!!  one of the sisters with us that lives in ca who met us there has been sober for 15 years and has been amazing support for me online.  when i first saw her i gave her a big hug and said “oh wow, you’re REAL!”  i got some great pictures, and pretty funny videos, that i surely wouldn’t have been able to get if i had been drinking. 

the weekend flew by.  i did a sacred dance class, a weed talk, made a little doll, and got some goodies.  someone told me there was a faerie figurine inside that looked like me. it was s little pixie with purple hair, wearing green and purple.  i have short purple pixie hair, and i was wearing green and purple. i also bought a diana statue for my altar. i got to meet one of my favorite her so authors, she’s the one who did the weed talk on edible weeds. i got to meet the founder of the dianic tradition, which is the tradition of witchcraft i follow.

 

after the festival ended sunday, we drove down to stinson beach and stayed in a cute little beach house until tuedsay.  it was so beautiful and so much fun.  i was the only one sober, so i began a notebook of funny shit that was said.  one of the girls said she wanted to channel, and wanted me to write down what she said.  she sat down in front of me, and what followed for the next hour i cannot even explain.  she channeled the goddess kali.  she had messages and words of wisdom.  after about a page and a half of scribbling and trying to keep up, i had to quit taking notes. it was too fast, too much, and i was too amazed by what was happening to write anymore. 

afterwards more drinks were in order, as well as skinny dipping in the freezing ass ocean.  i never made it to the ocean that night.  one sister was celebrating her 59th birthday, and boy did she celebrate. she’s a nurse, who travels and works way too much and way too hard. she definitely earned a night to cut loose.  and she had channeled a christian man, who the house/property used to belong to.  so yea, she deserved that night lol. poor woman fell on the way to the beach, my tiny ass, and another girl had to get her ass up and back to and into the house.  we got her to her bed finally.  she was almost out when she said she was going to be sick.  we rolled her over, and she goes “im ok.”  we rolled her back over to try to sleep, and the same thing happened.  we did that senario about ten times, literally.  me and the other girl were cracking up because during all of this she never stopped saying hilarious shit.  she finally did get sick.  after that fiasco, we were just finishing cleaning everything up when a bunch of cold, wet, naked witches came in from the beach. 

the next day everyone laid around recovering.  except for me, i felt fine.  went out and ate with two other girls, got necessities for the night, and went back.  we walked along the beach for almost an hour   we had a lovely sunset ritual on the beach, and offered flowers to the ocean.  it was absolutely beautiful.

i didn’t want to come home and have to face reality again.  the day before we left, i get a text from my husband to call asap.  i called but i couldn’t hear anything.  my speaker apparently been messed up because within ten seconds of being on the beach i dropped my phone in the water. he wouldn’t say anything over text, so i got someone’s phone and called.   my mom had a seizure at work.  she’s ok.  she has a doctors appointment in the morning. probably from drinking and her medicine.  im not even getting into all of that right now.  it’s too much and too much negative energy for me.  im in a good place and id like to stay here. 

so, once again, a challenge defeated. it was almost a weeklong trip, around tons and tons of alcohol, and i didn’t drink.  as of today, i have 262 days, just over 8.5 months sober. you guys.  EIGHT AND A HALF MONTHS SOBER!!!  Can y’all believe this shit?!   i don’t even keep track of it anymore.  i had to go back and look at my counter app to see how much time i had.  not drinking is such a normal part of my life now that i just don’t think about it anymore.   i remember that first month sober, when drinking or not drinking was constantly on my mind. the thought of being sober, the the thought of “im not drinking” never left my head.  i wondered if they would ever stop.  well, eventually they did.  

even though ive been tough some rough and stressful shit the past few months, drinking has not once crossed my mind.  and seeing what it’s doing to my mom, and the problems it’s causing with my parents, i thank the goddess so much for helping me to bring myself out of a situation id wanted out of for so long.  i am free, the chains that bound me to alcohol broke, allowing me to let go for good.   

out of all my sober moments i’ve had, my favorite is and always will be when my daughter told me she was proud of me. 

beltane..

ahh.. blessed beltane!!   full of love and fertility.  opposite from samhain on the wheel of the year, the veil is very thin between our world and the fae.  they are out in full force, and watch out because some can be sneaky little shits.  last night we had beltane ritual.  us priestess apprentices arrived early to get everything set up and ready.  we set up the circle, the HP (high priestess, not higher power) hung the flowers and ribbons on a tree for our maypole, set up the fire, and planned out ritual.

everyone began to arrive, it was great seeing all my sisters again, and we had two new faces join us.  i never had any sibling, and i was disappoint a lot in life because i didn’t.  i always wondered what it was like to have that bond.  to have someone so close, who knows every bit of you.  who you can tell your secrets to, who always has your back.  now, i have so many sisters i can’t even count.

we started our coven Mabon (in september) of 2014.  out of the 8 or 9 women who showed up to that first one, other than the high priestess, only two of us still come.  and again other than the hp,  i am the only sister who has been to every single ritual (i guess i’m like that person who’s in church every time the doors are open, haha).  in june, for summer solstice, we are hosting a retreat in north carolina, with lots of our california sisters flying out.  this is going to be a HUUUUUUUUUUGE deal.  our hp is actually going to be initiated officially as a HP.  these cali sisters, especially the founder of the dianic tradition, have been watching us closely.  they see what we are doing here.  we hope to become an official hive of the tradition.  this retreat will give us all the opportunity to show what we have learned, and what we are doing.  last year, at a retreat i wasn’t able to attend, the HP and another friend went, told me that all of a sudden, they needed someone to call in a quarter, and friend volunteered to do it.  they were so impressed by her jumping in, and said she did a fantastic job, and raved about her.  THAT is what we want them seeing.  things like that.  to show that we have much knowledge, and it shows them just how well we are being trained as priestess apprentices.

anyway, back to beltane.  you know, squirrels and shiny things.  so we had a beautiful meal of some citrus chicken, asparagus (that i made), green beans, salad, desserts, it was yummy.  then we sat around and let our food settle before going down to the circle.  we got down there, and in the middle of ritual, it came a thunderstorm.  it was so powerful.  we got SOAKING wet.  several of us were naked.  it was SO POWERFUL.  then i started to freeze as the fire started going out.  the rain poured.  i got bit by something on my foot.  but it was so much fun.  dancing naked in the storm, letting the water wash away anything that doesn’t serve me anymore, goddess, it was so freeing!  afterward we went back in, dried off, and had desserts.  i sat there cuddled under many blankets trying to get feeling back in my body.

it was really powerful.  it was really fun.  there were so many laugh.  i love it.  that’s one thing, we don’t take shit seriously.  if we fuck up calling in a quarter, we all laugh.  we eventually get the quarter called in.  we think goddess surely has a sense of humor as well or these things wouldn’t happen.  of course, we can be serious when needed, but our rituals aren’t focused on it.  some parts are more serious than others, but mostly we have fun and go with the energy.

i am beyond grateful to be a part of my sisterhood.  they are all so supportive of my sobriety, and make sure to accommodate that during ritual, by not having wine for cakes and ale, its usually some kind of juice or water.  like last night, holy shit, we had full moon storm water from the last full moon that our HP caught during the storm.  powerful shit right there, and along with the water falling from the storm into the cup, we drank some powerful stuff.

before i got sober, i’d have a couple of glasses of wine with the meal.  literally, two.  because i knew that in several hours i’d have to go home.  luckily, i was always somehow clear enough to know NEVER to drive after drinking.  i never did get behind the wheel buzzed or drunk.  in fact, i was even paranoid about the two glasses i’d had 4 or 5 hours earlier when i’d leave.  of course they’d worn off hours ago.  besides, i had a bottle waiting for me at home anyway.  so i’d come home after ritual and drink how i wanted to drink.

last night, i came home, played with my dogs, played on the computer for a while, and went to bed.  i slept so good, all night long.  i woke up at like 8 or so, and told myself it was too early, and went back to sleep until 9:30.  i haven’t slept past 7 in probably a month or more.  it was FANFUCKINGTABULOUS!  oh my goddess.  i needed that so bad.

the husband and kids went to alabama this weekend, leaving me home alone since i had ritual and i had to work.  i absolutely will NOT miss ritual.  i’d miss out on something else first.  the only time i’d miss is if there was a life or death emergency.  i’ve enjoyed having the time to myself.  it’s been nice.  but i miss everyone.  they are leaving to come home later today.

today marks the beginning of my 5th month on my #alcoholfree2016 journey.  i officially have four months sober.  wow.  i’m impressed with myself.  i actually should have seven months sober, stupid relapse.  but, six our of the last 7 months sober.  yall.  that is SO HUGE FOR ME.  i’m still mad at myself for relapsing, and so easily.  but, it is what it is, i can’t change it.  but, i know for sure that i can’t drink just one time.  i’ll drink the next night, and the next, and the next, then probably take a break for a week, then drink again.  that’s how it went when i relapsed.  it was for a month, but in reality, i only drank MAYBE 15 days out of the month, because i’d drink some, then not drink for a week or two, then drink, then stop for a few days.  so, not quite as frequent as before i quit, but i noticed i was drinking more when i did drink.  like, i’d finish my bottle of wine, then take a couple of shots of husbands vodka or whiskey that my brother in law left.  that wasn’t good.  so, i can’t drink like a normal person.  and i’ve finally accepted that as a fact.  as much as i’d like to want to someday, i just can’t.  and i don’t even miss it anymore like i did at first.  now that i’ve made it this long, i see how much better i am and how much better i feel without it.  i kinda miss the escape it brought, but not the drinking itself.  but, i enjoy feeling things again much more than escaping them.  each time i deal with a tough feeling and i don’t try to escape it, i come out a little bit stronger.

sobriety is fun.  sobriety is enjoyable.  sobriety is peaceful.  sobriety is feeling.  sobriety is much more than just not drinking.  sobriety is learning who you truly are and what you are capable of.  sobriety challenges you to punch your fears in the face.

four months

im finally figuring out how to put stuff onto my phone card thingy, and created enough space to get the wordpress app on my phone. so now i can have easier access to posting instead of having to sit in front of the computer each time. isn’t it awesome what you can learn when you have a clear head? 

today marks 121 days now. this is the end of my fourth month on my #alcoholfree2016 journey. sometimes i wonder what’s different about this time, then I catch myself and stop questioning and accept it in gratitude. i can’t believe i have FOUR MONTHS sober. this year is going by SO quickly. back in january i remember sitting here during those first long days “before i know it, its going to be april.”  now april is just about over. 

i really should be sleeping, i have a busy day tomorrow. i have to go into work early to get stuff done cause i have a reiki client (a real, paying one!), then i have to get ready for beltane celebration with my coven. im trying to enjoy the peace and quiet while it lasts.

the husband took the girls to alabama to see our family. i had too much going on and couldn’t go. my father in law fell and broke his hip and had to have a replacement today. his bones are so brittle I don’t know how they did it. he broke his shoulder a while back and wasn’t a candidate for surgery, said his bones would just crumble putting pins and rods in it. he has awful diabetes he doesn’t take care of, so basically they said there was nothing they could do but hope it didn’t get infected and kill him. so, if you feel inclined, please shoot a good thought or prayer his way.

im gonna crawl into bed and then curse staying up so late come 7 am..