shadows

im sitting here messaging with a dear friend who has just began her recovery journey.  i like to think i give good advice and tips sometimes.  i was replying, spouting off random shit without thinking about what i was saying. a lot of times that gets me into trouble.  but once in a while, something so brilliant comes out, that i cannot believe it came from me.  well, that just happened. here is how the snipped of the conversation went:

friend:  My shadow since can’t be trusted.  Well she obviously had some really big shit to show me and it took a lot for me to really learn. 

me:  Yep.  You have to learn to work with your shadows instead of against them.  That was a hard one for me to learn.  Instead of being an alcoholic, I’m using my alcohol experience to try and help others.  So in a way alcohol is still w big part of my life, but in a healthier and better way.  

so holy shit, she said i just blew her mind.  i was like “I JUST BLEW MY OWN MIND!” she said she’d never thought of looking at it that way.  i never had either, until that randomly came out of me.  we both agreed that i needed to write that shit down somewhere, so here it is.  

the more i sit here and think about it, the more sense it’s making.  im sure I’ll be processing this thought over and over.  but as it just came to me, im still sitting here with my mind blown.  i love alcohol, obviously too much or i wouldn’t be sitting here in recovery for almost nine month. i feared having to completely cut alcohol from my life.  now i realize that i haven’t cut alcohol from my life.  it is still there in a big way.  i simply choose a different manner in how i perceive and interact with it.  i don’t have to drink alcohol for it to be in my life, and i can choose the ways i allow it to be in my life.  at the moment, the separation is working well.  i am happier with her not being here physically.  we are taking our time and slowly working through our issues.  that’s not meant to sound like i plan on drinking again, as i certainly don’t, but we obviously had issues, and those need to be healed. we have gotten past a lot of things, and im slowly becoming more comfortable with her presence in a room.  but now i hang with a different crowd on the other side of the room.  i leave the party if i feel she’s mingling her way closer to me. 

i am now using her as a warning.  i share my story and her dangerous wrath of destruction she can leave behind.  i don’t need to bash her, i don’t need to have her removed, i have to work with her gently and positively. that work, and time, are the only ways that we will fully resolve our issues and be at peace with one another, from a safe distance of course. 

working with your shadows doesn’t have to be scary.  we don’t need to fear them, that only gives them more fuel.  instead, start standing up for yourself to them.  tell them that you no longer allow them to rule your life negatively.  ask your shadows what it is you need to work on in a positive way to begin, or further, your healing. embrace them, don’t run from them.  they are just as much a part of you as the light.  and the light cannot exist without darkness. our shadows are our teaching tools.  they make up our story, the lessons that we need to learn. so stop hiding from them, stop thinking of them as scary, bad, or negative. get off your ass, face them, and work with them instead of fighting them.  how long have you fought them?  and how well did that work out?  maybe it’s time to try something different. 

another day one..tomorrow.

48 days ago i decided to remove alcohol from my life.  6 days ago i decided to remove cigarettes from my life.  as someone who practices magick on a daily basis, for over a year now i’ve done many banishing and releasing spells and workings.  last year around this time i began doing shadow work.  you may be asking what shadow work is…right?  i’ll give you a brief explanation.  we all have our shadow side.  the things about ourselves that we deny, that we keep hidden.  things we repress.  things we keep in the dark.  everyone has their shadows.  EVERYONE.  mine, i knew i had to stop drinking.  so i began looking at that aspect of my life.  why do i drink?  how can i stop?  what do i need to be able to heal from this?  well, the universe had other plans.  i did not quit drinking then.  i had a horrible 26 days of sobriety last december, and making it as far as 16-18 days during a couple of attempts throughout the year.  so.  this year i have had more sobriety than i have in the past almost 8 years.

from oct 31 of ’11 until about mid januaryish of 2012, i gained 30 lbs.  the only time i’d ever been that heavy was at the end of my pregnancies.  as a small, short person, no one could really tell how much i weighed under my clothes.  or pajamas i should say, i never wore clothes because they didn’t fit anymore.  in august of 2012, i decided to lose the extra weight.  i began a primal/paleo diet.  i cut out wine for two weeks and stuck firmly to my eating plan.  i lost all 30 lbs in 4 months, hitting my goal weight on my birthday.  however, i kept drinking a bottle of wine a night.  there for a while i got to a point of drinking a bottle and a half.  the husband said something and i backed down to just the one bottle.  i was strict and strong with my eating habits for a year.  then i slowly started eating everything again.  but somehow, i’ve kept off all of the weight.  three years later, even through all the drinking and crap eating, not working out, i’m still two lbs below my goal weight back then.  i felt great back then when i was eating healthy, even though i was drinking a lot and taking a lot of headache medicine throughout the day to keep my hangover away.

now that i’ve cut out my worst habits, i’ve decided to go back and work on my eating again.  i decided that i’m going to do a whole30.  my old eating plan was similar, but not as strict.  one reason i’ve never seriously attempted a whole30 is because you cannot have alcohol on it.  the fuuuuuuck?!  you mean i have to go a whole month without alcohol?!  hahaha.  forget that.  so yeah.  i’ve realized i can go a month without alcohol.  i know for a fact i can make it a month and a half, because i’m there.  and i feel good.  cutting out alcohol has given me more energy, and better sleep.  six days into cutting out cigarettes, i am breathing much deeper, and i’m noticing my usually stuffiness is slowly but steadily improving,  i have way less headaches and aches and pains.  i imagine how good i’m feeling now, and combined with how good i felt even while doing shitty stuff but eating clean and healthy, that’s got to be a good combo.  i’ve even been doing a little exercising in my home.  yoga, push-ups, dumbbells, basic little things just to move around.

luckily, this is NOT a forever thing.  it’s 30 days of strictly clean eating, and slowly reintroducing healthy foods back if you wish.  it basically consists of eating meat, veggies, and fruits.  no alcohol, no dairy, no legumes, no sugar or artificial sweeteners (even honey), no grains (wheat, bread, corn, rice) and no processed foods.  kinda like a system reboot.  though, you can decide if you want to stay strict or not.  i plan to add dairy back afterward.  cause i like dairy.

so. i got this.  30 days.  i’ve enjoyed challenging myself on not drinking, not smoking, and since i’ve gotten comfortable with those, i’m going to try another challenge.

going back to the top of my post..it seems that all i’ve worked for and all i’ve worked to release is coming to fruition all at once.  my sobriety date was the equinox back in september.  remember all the cosmic energies then?  the solar eclipse, the full supermoon eplipse, it was a crazy time of releasing.  two other people i know have quit drinking around and just after that time also.  a lot of people have released things as well, most of theirs just didn’t happen to be an addiction to a substance.

quitting smoking was harder than quitting drinking.  the cravings and urges and withdrawls have sucked.  i think i’m almost past them though.  i haven’t thought about it much in the past couple of days.  i still think about not drinking quite often, though it’s not just constantly on my mind like it was when i first started.  the newness of sobriety is kinda beginning to wear off.  for a while i was kinda like “ok, i’ve hit a month, now what?”  i felt like i needed something to focus on.  i was like that until i decided i wanted to quit smoking too.  before i got sober, i only smoked when i drank.  i was fine throughout the day, but when it was almost drinking time i started to crave a smoke as well.  a pack would last me maybe 2-3 days.  after getting sober i began smoking all the time, a pack a day.  i went into sobriety planning to quit smoking at some point, i just couldn’t do everything all at once.  it got to the point where it was hard to breathe, and i had zero energy.  well, i would wake up with energy, but after that first cigarette..that energy got zapped.  then following up with going outside and smoking two or three times an hour, i didn’t have any time to rebuild up that energy.  even before i quit drinking, i wondered if it was the cigarettes i was more addicted to.  10 years ago i quit smoking for a year.  i just woke up one day and decided i was done.  i was a weekend drinker back then.  after a year i decided that i wanted to start back, mainly because many friends we met at that time were smokers and drinkers.  my husband quit six months after me and has not smoked to this day.  so i picked it back up, only smoking when i drank.  then i got pregnant and stopped everything.  afterwards, i started back to the weekend drinking and smoking.  i never craved them at any other time except when drinking.  then drinking became every night, and so did smoking.  over the years i’ve got addicted to them.  though i only associated them with alcohol.  every attempt at quitting drinking, i automatically quit smoking too.  this time i decided to do it different.  i cut out the alcohol, but kept smoking.  and it was way easier than any previous attempt.  after about a week or two of being sober i was like ‘ok, i’m starting to actually GET IT this time, and if i can quit this, i can quit smoking again.’  so i made the decision that i wasn’t going to smoke for long.  just enough to where i felt comfortable with not drinking.  i needed the crutch.  but now i don’t.

so..tomorrow..i will begin eating healthy for 30 days.  no excuses.