shadows

im sitting here messaging with a dear friend who has just began her recovery journey.  i like to think i give good advice and tips sometimes.  i was replying, spouting off random shit without thinking about what i was saying. a lot of times that gets me into trouble.  but once in a while, something so brilliant comes out, that i cannot believe it came from me.  well, that just happened. here is how the snipped of the conversation went:

friend:  My shadow since can’t be trusted.  Well she obviously had some really big shit to show me and it took a lot for me to really learn. 

me:  Yep.  You have to learn to work with your shadows instead of against them.  That was a hard one for me to learn.  Instead of being an alcoholic, I’m using my alcohol experience to try and help others.  So in a way alcohol is still w big part of my life, but in a healthier and better way.  

so holy shit, she said i just blew her mind.  i was like “I JUST BLEW MY OWN MIND!” she said she’d never thought of looking at it that way.  i never had either, until that randomly came out of me.  we both agreed that i needed to write that shit down somewhere, so here it is.  

the more i sit here and think about it, the more sense it’s making.  im sure I’ll be processing this thought over and over.  but as it just came to me, im still sitting here with my mind blown.  i love alcohol, obviously too much or i wouldn’t be sitting here in recovery for almost nine month. i feared having to completely cut alcohol from my life.  now i realize that i haven’t cut alcohol from my life.  it is still there in a big way.  i simply choose a different manner in how i perceive and interact with it.  i don’t have to drink alcohol for it to be in my life, and i can choose the ways i allow it to be in my life.  at the moment, the separation is working well.  i am happier with her not being here physically.  we are taking our time and slowly working through our issues.  that’s not meant to sound like i plan on drinking again, as i certainly don’t, but we obviously had issues, and those need to be healed. we have gotten past a lot of things, and im slowly becoming more comfortable with her presence in a room.  but now i hang with a different crowd on the other side of the room.  i leave the party if i feel she’s mingling her way closer to me. 

i am now using her as a warning.  i share my story and her dangerous wrath of destruction she can leave behind.  i don’t need to bash her, i don’t need to have her removed, i have to work with her gently and positively. that work, and time, are the only ways that we will fully resolve our issues and be at peace with one another, from a safe distance of course. 

working with your shadows doesn’t have to be scary.  we don’t need to fear them, that only gives them more fuel.  instead, start standing up for yourself to them.  tell them that you no longer allow them to rule your life negatively.  ask your shadows what it is you need to work on in a positive way to begin, or further, your healing. embrace them, don’t run from them.  they are just as much a part of you as the light.  and the light cannot exist without darkness. our shadows are our teaching tools.  they make up our story, the lessons that we need to learn. so stop hiding from them, stop thinking of them as scary, bad, or negative. get off your ass, face them, and work with them instead of fighting them.  how long have you fought them?  and how well did that work out?  maybe it’s time to try something different. 

one hundred plus two

*edit* i started this last night, but i literally fell asleep while typing, so technically it’s day 102.

so, in all of the vacation business, i didn’t get a chance to post, but i officially passed 100 days.  today makes 101 days i have not drank  i can’t believe it.  i never, ever thought i would ever see this amount of sober time.  it’s been hard at times, but i’ve made it.  here are 101 things i’ve discovered about myself and sobriety:

101.   sobriety is hard
100.  sobriety is easy
99.    i sleep so well when i don’t pass out after a bottle of wine
98.    life really can be fun without alcohol.
97.    my house stays somewhat cleaner
96.    i eat somewhat healthier
95.    i’m not really as bored as i thought i was
94.   cool things happen and i remember them
93.    i enjoy not feeling like shit all the time
92.    life can present some pretty cool opportunities
91.    my body doesn’t do as many weird things when i’m not drinking
90.    i like not having to worry if i’m dying because of those weird things
89.    i’d like to say i’m less patient, maybe just a tad
88.    i suck with money, and not drinking hasn’t saved me anything at all
87.    i wake up feeling refreshed most mornings
86.    sobriety sucks sometimes
85.    sobriety is awesome at times
84.    there are lots of emotions that come out
83.    i’m way more emotional than i ever thought i was
82.    i feel better physically
81.    i never knew i would feel as good as i do
80.   i think that is part of sleeping much better
79.   i’ve made self care more important
78.   i treat myself to salt and oil baths several times a week
77.   i say affirmations daily
76.   i try to do yoga daily, if not at least several times a week
75.   i am getting a pretty hot body from my yoga
74.   i enjoy meditating more
73.   its easier to meditate when my brain isn’t foggy
72.   i don’t dream very much in sobriety
71.   when i do, i barely remember them
70.  my intuition has definitely developed more
69.  hehehehe 69
68.   i still have all of my weirdness
67.   in fact, i do crazier things when i’m sober than when drunk
66.   like the other week when i wore a size 3T diaper and a superhero cape
65.   i ran around the living room proudly, and there is photographic evidence
64.   i did something else that was really dumb, but i can’t remember it now
63.   i survived my first sober vacation
62.   i didn’t think i was going to the last few days of it
61.   apparently i’m stronger than i think i am
60.  if i can survive my grandmothers death and stay sober, i can get through anything
59.   i still have moments where i feel like i’m not going to survive it
58.   as the days pass, the moments don’t come quite as often
57.   i can’t rush healing, so i take it day by day and go with the flow
56.   i am learning to honor ALL of my feelings
55.   even the ones i don’t like or want to feel
54.   each high and each low is an opportunity to learn and grow
53.   i’m discovering more about myself each day
52.  even though my routine hasn’t changes much, each day brings new things
51.   i’ve done things in these past few months i never expected
50.  like become a yoga instructor, now to put it to use somehow
49.  i still feel like a kid, and it is my mission to be more adultish
48.  i literally have no idea how to adult at anything
47.  i have no clue how to talk adult, i have no clue what a deductible is
46.  i want to start my own business, but i don’t know how to business
45.  and i don’t have any money to start a business
44.  i have faith that it will happen and fall in to place when the time is right
43.  i don’t feel awkward not drinking around people anymore
42.  it’s pretty easy to say no and not worry
41.  it’s totally my choice as to tell them why i dont drink or not
40.  i haven’t gotten a single bit of judgment so far for not drinking
39.  or for admitting my issues publicly
38.  that was really shocking, as i expected a lot of judgment
37.  i have the best family and friends and support system in the world
36.  i’ve totally traded in my alcohol addiction for a skittles addiction
35.  i am totally not ashamed either
34.  i’m actually starting to not feel ashamed about my drinking either
33.  i still have a lot there, but i’m slowly working on it
32.  i didn’t realize this list was going to get so hard
30.  101 things a lot more than i thought
29.  but, that’s me, i’m not one to think things through first
28.  i’ve always been like that, i’d rather jump in then think about it later
27.  i’m now on day 102, i had to stop last night because i was falling asleep typing
26.  i look forward to going to bed each night, grateful to be sober
25.  i enjoy waking up feeling good and ready to start my day
24.  i didn’t realize i had a hangover for almost 8 years
23.  i started my sobriety on a leap year
22.  that means my first year will have an extra day of sobriety
21.   i really enjoy reading books on people’s sobriety stories
20.  someday, maybe i could learn to write a book and write my own
19.  if you have any book suggestions, please share them with me
18.  now that i have almost 3.5 months sober, its time to start facing my fears
17.  i have all these dreams, but no idea how to reach them
16.  instead of fearing not knowing, i will be grateful i have the opportunity to learn
15.  this morning i said today is the day i punch my fears in the face
14.  i may not know what i’m doing, but i can do little things that lead to bigger steps
13.  sitting here just thinking isn’t getting me anywhere and i’m tired of feeling stuck
12.  i really want to get back to my SMART meetings
11.  i think i’m going to take the facilitator training soon
10. i love SMART Recovery and i want to bring it to my area
9.  cause it sucks driving almost an hour through road construction
8.  and we don’t really have any options here other than AA
7.  seven is my favorite number
6.  i’m grateful for this blog, and those of you who have stuck around
5.  it’s been almost a year since i’ve started this, and it helps me so much
4.  i’m completely open now, but mostly anonymous
3.  i’m not sure if anyone i personally know reads this
2.  i never imagined myself being sober and in recovery, but i am, and i love it
1.  i’m grateful i took back my power and control of my life

unfortunate

so.  the other night, i posted in one of my sober groups about a beautiful ritual my coven had for our ostara celebration.  someone was SO OFFENDED and reported my post, and told me that my beautiful experience was “unfortunate” because i didn’t follow god or christianity and she didn’t feel it was an appropriate forum for what i had said.

i replied by asking “how is that unfortunate?  my goddess and my path have led me from a place of darkness and hate, so a place of light and sobriety.”  after a few replies, i decided not to reply anymore, because it wasn’t worth me getting angry, and going back and forth with “well, others talk about church, and their god, and that’s ok and wonderful, but MY different path is not ok to talk about and rejoice and share, AND it’s unfortunate?

several other people chimed in, saying that her words were very judgmental and inappropriate.  i was messaged by someone who posts the group, who also happens to have similar beliefs.  i was asked not to post details because apparently that’s what upset the lady.  after much thought, i quietly left the group yesterday.  i’m not angry at the one who told me maybe to keep them to myself, she’s just doing her job and trying to keep the peace.  i left because i cannot keep that promise.  my path, and GODDESS is a huge, key component in my sobriety.  i can’t NOT talk about it.  just as  other people talk about how wonderful their “god” or “higher power”, that thing that motivates them, i do as well.

i did get angry at first.  who is this lady to judge my experience as unfortunate?  that’s basically calling my sobriety, and even my life unfortunate.  i TOTALLY could have torn this lady, and her beliefs to shreds.  and in the past, i probably would have, but because of my path, i’ve found the ability to love and accept, even if i disagree.  her journey is not mine.  if her god and her christianity work for her, and that’s what keeps her happy and sober, then i am beyond happy for her.  i want everyone to feel that way.  i tried it.  i did the god thing, church, getting saved, praying, my dad is a preacher for fuck sake (or maybe i should have said heavens sake, but fuck it, i like fuck better anyway).  i felt like i was giving and giving god my all, and he was just taking taking taking it all.  i never felt any peace, i never found any happiness, i drank more and more.

i’ll never forget that amazing feeling of freedom when i realized it was ok to let go of a belief i didn’t believe, and that i was not going to be eternally punished for it.  the first time i called myself a WITCH, magic started to happen.  i started noticing all the synchronicity in the world.  i slowly began seeing how things worked.  i began seeing who i truly was.  i began to break out of this empty shell i’d been living in for so long.

five years later, (literally, the above happened in march of 2011) i sit here, amazed at what working with nature and the energies of the universe have brought me.  sobriety.  love.  acceptance.  growth.  i could go on and on and on about the amazingness in my life due to my path and my beliefs.  if that’s unfortunate, well, i guess i’ll just stay unfortunate.

what really got me thinking though, is just how detrimental those words could have been.  thank goddess i have strength and knowledge, and the self love and self knowing that i am not unfortunate.  however, i remember the first time i was ever in early sobriety.  those words would have sent me into a relapse faster than i could have said “fuck you.”  in early sobriety, many of us are just coming from a place where we have felt unfortunate, and to be told we are still unfortunate because of perhaps the one thing we’re holding onto is NOT OK TO SAY TO SOMEONE IN SOBRIETY!!

i am angry that there isn’t more support for “different” people who are in recovery.  or, maybe i’m angry that i don’t know any exist.  just because i don’t fit the typical 12 step recovery mold or believe in gods or higher powers (i use the term goddess as energy, i don’t really believe there is an imaginary goddess out there), doesn’t mean my life, my recovery, or my beliefs are unfortunate.

i just ask people, PLEASE THINK about what you say to people in recovery.  be careful how you word things.  people in early sobriety are often confused, and vulnerable people, and it makes them very sensitive and fragile as they are trying to put their life in some kind of order once again.  trying to figure out what fits and what doesn’t anymore, what direction to go in, all those overwhelming feelings we’ve all had. no one’s journey is unfortunate.  it is theirs, and theirs alone.  not yours.  make yours fortunate, and help, not tear down, those who need help to make theirs fortunate.