one hundred plus two

*edit* i started this last night, but i literally fell asleep while typing, so technically it’s day 102.

so, in all of the vacation business, i didn’t get a chance to post, but i officially passed 100 days.  today makes 101 days i have not drank  i can’t believe it.  i never, ever thought i would ever see this amount of sober time.  it’s been hard at times, but i’ve made it.  here are 101 things i’ve discovered about myself and sobriety:

101.   sobriety is hard
100.  sobriety is easy
99.    i sleep so well when i don’t pass out after a bottle of wine
98.    life really can be fun without alcohol.
97.    my house stays somewhat cleaner
96.    i eat somewhat healthier
95.    i’m not really as bored as i thought i was
94.   cool things happen and i remember them
93.    i enjoy not feeling like shit all the time
92.    life can present some pretty cool opportunities
91.    my body doesn’t do as many weird things when i’m not drinking
90.    i like not having to worry if i’m dying because of those weird things
89.    i’d like to say i’m less patient, maybe just a tad
88.    i suck with money, and not drinking hasn’t saved me anything at all
87.    i wake up feeling refreshed most mornings
86.    sobriety sucks sometimes
85.    sobriety is awesome at times
84.    there are lots of emotions that come out
83.    i’m way more emotional than i ever thought i was
82.    i feel better physically
81.    i never knew i would feel as good as i do
80.   i think that is part of sleeping much better
79.   i’ve made self care more important
78.   i treat myself to salt and oil baths several times a week
77.   i say affirmations daily
76.   i try to do yoga daily, if not at least several times a week
75.   i am getting a pretty hot body from my yoga
74.   i enjoy meditating more
73.   its easier to meditate when my brain isn’t foggy
72.   i don’t dream very much in sobriety
71.   when i do, i barely remember them
70.  my intuition has definitely developed more
69.  hehehehe 69
68.   i still have all of my weirdness
67.   in fact, i do crazier things when i’m sober than when drunk
66.   like the other week when i wore a size 3T diaper and a superhero cape
65.   i ran around the living room proudly, and there is photographic evidence
64.   i did something else that was really dumb, but i can’t remember it now
63.   i survived my first sober vacation
62.   i didn’t think i was going to the last few days of it
61.   apparently i’m stronger than i think i am
60.  if i can survive my grandmothers death and stay sober, i can get through anything
59.   i still have moments where i feel like i’m not going to survive it
58.   as the days pass, the moments don’t come quite as often
57.   i can’t rush healing, so i take it day by day and go with the flow
56.   i am learning to honor ALL of my feelings
55.   even the ones i don’t like or want to feel
54.   each high and each low is an opportunity to learn and grow
53.   i’m discovering more about myself each day
52.  even though my routine hasn’t changes much, each day brings new things
51.   i’ve done things in these past few months i never expected
50.  like become a yoga instructor, now to put it to use somehow
49.  i still feel like a kid, and it is my mission to be more adultish
48.  i literally have no idea how to adult at anything
47.  i have no clue how to talk adult, i have no clue what a deductible is
46.  i want to start my own business, but i don’t know how to business
45.  and i don’t have any money to start a business
44.  i have faith that it will happen and fall in to place when the time is right
43.  i don’t feel awkward not drinking around people anymore
42.  it’s pretty easy to say no and not worry
41.  it’s totally my choice as to tell them why i dont drink or not
40.  i haven’t gotten a single bit of judgment so far for not drinking
39.  or for admitting my issues publicly
38.  that was really shocking, as i expected a lot of judgment
37.  i have the best family and friends and support system in the world
36.  i’ve totally traded in my alcohol addiction for a skittles addiction
35.  i am totally not ashamed either
34.  i’m actually starting to not feel ashamed about my drinking either
33.  i still have a lot there, but i’m slowly working on it
32.  i didn’t realize this list was going to get so hard
30.  101 things a lot more than i thought
29.  but, that’s me, i’m not one to think things through first
28.  i’ve always been like that, i’d rather jump in then think about it later
27.  i’m now on day 102, i had to stop last night because i was falling asleep typing
26.  i look forward to going to bed each night, grateful to be sober
25.  i enjoy waking up feeling good and ready to start my day
24.  i didn’t realize i had a hangover for almost 8 years
23.  i started my sobriety on a leap year
22.  that means my first year will have an extra day of sobriety
21.   i really enjoy reading books on people’s sobriety stories
20.  someday, maybe i could learn to write a book and write my own
19.  if you have any book suggestions, please share them with me
18.  now that i have almost 3.5 months sober, its time to start facing my fears
17.  i have all these dreams, but no idea how to reach them
16.  instead of fearing not knowing, i will be grateful i have the opportunity to learn
15.  this morning i said today is the day i punch my fears in the face
14.  i may not know what i’m doing, but i can do little things that lead to bigger steps
13.  sitting here just thinking isn’t getting me anywhere and i’m tired of feeling stuck
12.  i really want to get back to my SMART meetings
11.  i think i’m going to take the facilitator training soon
10. i love SMART Recovery and i want to bring it to my area
9.  cause it sucks driving almost an hour through road construction
8.  and we don’t really have any options here other than AA
7.  seven is my favorite number
6.  i’m grateful for this blog, and those of you who have stuck around
5.  it’s been almost a year since i’ve started this, and it helps me so much
4.  i’m completely open now, but mostly anonymous
3.  i’m not sure if anyone i personally know reads this
2.  i never imagined myself being sober and in recovery, but i am, and i love it
1.  i’m grateful i took back my power and control of my life

not as bad as it sounds

i love living in a small mountain town.  it’s nice, pretty quiet, and peaceful.  what i don’t like, is there isn’t much around.  the only meetings in my area is 12 step based.  but i would really prefer something different.  i want something that resonates with my beliefs.  or maybe i just want a group of sober people to simply hang out with.  i know one other sober person around me.  i have attended non 12 step meetings, but the closes ones are at least half an hour in any direction.  i’d really like to hang out with other sober moms, but i don’t know if there are any in my area, or if there are, i don’t know them.  kinda like a support get together or something.  but i’m still not ready to blast my business just yet.  so, i’m torn.  i need support.  i’ve done this on my own so far, and it’s working out well, but i’d really like to have sober friends that don’t live in a computer screen.

i know there is a need for recovery in my area.  meth is a big problem up.  i tend to stay isolated, so i don’t really know much about alcohol around here.  i just assume everyone else who drinks is a normal drinker.  which brings me to another thing..

i’ve talked before about how i was a normal drinker before my problem.  but lately i’ve been looking back and thinking about my drinking before it got bad.  i’ve come to realize, i’ve NEVER been a normal drinker.  ok, well maybe like the first 3 times i drank and only had two beers just to look cool.  the first time i REALLY got drunk, i was 17.  i don’t remember much from that night.  i do remember about two seconds of throwing up in the bathroom.  apparently i got REALLY sick.  after that, every time i drank, i drank with the intent of getting drunk.  what NOW seems like “normal” drinking, like 2 drinks in a night, would get me trashed.  after that first actual drunk, i never drank normally.  for a long time it was few and far between.  then it became every saturday night over at a friends.  after my pregnancy, i really didn’t drink a whole lot for the first several months after giving birth, and all of a sudden it was every single night.  i’d wake up every morning and vomit before i got my oldest up.  sometimes i’d have to again while she was getting ready for school.  then i’d feel fine and go about my day.  after a while, the throwing up every morning finally stopped.  and almost 8 years later, here i am.

now, i never had goals or anything as a kid.  i never had dreams.  i didn’t dream of a wedding, i never once thought about what i’d want to be when i grew up.  i knew i’d get married and have kids before i was 25.  that was it.  and that happened.  i got married at 23, and had my second child at 25.  now that my head is becoming clearer, i realize i feel SO stuck.  i have no education, just a GED.  i have no real work skills outside of food service, and i so super hate doing that.  i say i’d love to go back to school, but honestly, i don’t know if i have the patience for years of school again.  but i don’t want to be stuck.  i want to figure out what i want to do.  i literally feel like i’m wasting my life away.  not in a bad way, i do things i enjoy like paint, arts and crafts and stuff, but i’m not really doing anything with my life.  i have no goals, no plans.  i don’t even know how to make goals and plans.  as an only child, and the baby of the grandkids, i’ve always been taken care of by someone else all of my life, and was never taught how to be self sufficient.  if something happened to my husband, i’d be screwed.  i couldn’t support my girls and pay the bills and buy food.  there’s no way i could find something to pay what he makes to keep us going.  and it really scares me that i wouldn’t be able to support myself, or my family.  it really sucks having to ask someone for money all your life.  i know this all sounds depressing, but i’m not sad.  i just want to figure out what the fuck i’m doing here.  surely i have a purpose, a mission, a calling.  SOMETHING has to be out there for me.  how i do i find it?  does it find me?  do i start looking or do i wait for it to come to me?  where the hell would i even begin to start looking?  i do have a few things i’d be interested in, but the training isn’t like actual school, and i can’t afford the courses i want.  at this moment, i have $5.35 in my bank account.  it’s very rare i have two numbers on the left side of the dot.  if i have three, it’s because i need to make a big purchase, so it’s not like it’s there just to have.

as you can tell, i’m super frustrated by my financial situation at the moment.  i need at least $75 by this weekend.  it’s thursday, and i need $50 of it by saturday, and $25 by sunday.  i work tomorrow, but i only work two hours a week, and since i get paid cash, i can get advances.  i had some issues a few weeks ago and had to get a couple, so now i’m $100 in the hole at work.  which doesn’t really matter, i can work it off in time, and it’s not like the $17 a day i make one day a week will make a difference if i get it in cash.  so yeah.  i’m beginning priestess training in my coven, and if i can’t make the money each month, i’m going to have to put that on hold.  i have a retreat with my coven coming up in june, which is several hundred dollars, and then there is goddess fest in ca, which with everything would be around $1K or so.  i tried lowering prices on my card readings, half price actually, and not a single one sold.  i try to win the lottery, but all i ever win is free tickets.  haha.  why can’t we go back to the day where we can give people chickens for services?  i could part with one of my chickens.  the mean one.  she can go.  but really.  ahhh.  i feel kinda better just getting that OUT.  i know things will work out and that worry and stress isn’t going to help.  but, part of me is human and right now, that part is winning.

so back to my original point of this post.  sorry i got sidetracked on that whole thing.  i want more sober people in my life. physically.  i do absolutely adore the sober friends i have met online and they have been super helpful and supportive, i want people i can physically talk to and be with.  not ask a question and wonder if anyone will answer at all, or how long it will take to get an answer.  so yeah.  i have an awesome group of friends, but they are not sober, because they can control their alcohol, or have been through an addiction.  i just feel stuck in a rut and i want out of it.  i’ve gotten past the hurdle of getting sober, now it’s what to do next.

i know this post seems all over the place emotionally, but it’s really not.  i’m in a pretty good mood today.  and i’m feeling even better now that i got all that SHIT out of my head.  i’ve been wanting to paint for three days, so maybe i’ll do that here in a bit.

it’s time..

time.  it’s something that we as humans are obsessed with. think about how many times a day you check the time?  we plan our lives around it.  sometimes we feel we don’t have enough.  perhaps you feel you have too much time on your hands?  we rush to make sure we aren’t late. but do we ever stop and think about what a wonderful gift time is?

first off, none of us are guaranteed time.  you could fall over dead before you finish reading this post.  knock on wood, i hope that doesn’t happen.  how do you feel right now at this time?  if you aren’t happy, choose to be.  yes, happiness is a choice.  are you angry?  if so, ask yourself what about the situation is making you angry, and how you can turn that around.  are you sad?  if so, know that you are loved unconditionally.  by me, by the universe, by spirit, by god, by goddess, by a higher power.  love is all around.  think of why you are sad.  now, look for the positive in it?  you’re not going to be sad forever, it’s ok to grieve, but instead of wallowing in sadness and self pity, tell yourself something positive. if you always look for the positive, you will start to feel more positive, and that will make you’re whole being feel better.   wouldn’t you rather spend your time being happy rather than sad, angry, or jealous?  i am a firm believer, and living proof that thoughts create our reality.  at the beginning of this year, i made the choice not to think any negative thoughts about myself and others.  it was hard at first, and i was constantly stopping myself to turn negative thoughts into positive ones.  over time it got easier.  even in some of my darkest moments this year, i didn’t beat myself up.  of course I’ve had a few slips, i’m human.  but 10 months later, i’m happy.  this time a year ago, i was the biggest negative nelly ever.  nothing was right, i was total shit, a worthless waste of a human who had no purpose and was probably just going to eventually drink herself to death.  now i am strong, i have confidence. i believe in myself, IM SOBER, and i love myself because despite my flaws i think i’m pretty fucking awesome.  if *I* can change from a self hating negative person to this, then ANYONE can do it.

think about where you choose to work.  yes, work IS a choice.  many people say “i have to work, i don’t have a choice not to.”  of course you do.  many of us spend a major part of our time at work because we choose to.  we choose to be responsible for our lives, and our families lives if we have a spouse, children, or pets.  we could choose NOT work, but the consequences of that choice wouldn’t be too pleasant for most of us.  so let me ask you, do you enjoy what you do?  does it make you happy?  do you get out of bed and look forward to work, or do you dread it and complain?  that could add up to a lot of unhappy time.  which isn’t good for you or those around you.  YOU DESERVE NOTHING BUT COMPLETE HAPPINESS!  if you are unhappy at work, start looking for your dream job yesterday.  go out there and get it.  do something that makes you happy.  your energy will change, and your life will change.

time can be a friend, or it can be an enemy.  those who are lucky enough to be time efficient and organized, time is their friend.  they get their shit done and they do it on time.  i’m a procrastinator.  i put stuff off until the absolute possible minute.  it sucks, but it’s something I’ve never tried to work on.  if you are an alcoholic or a drug user, time can be an evil enemy.  we spend many hours drunk or high, or looking for ways to get drunk/high.  it starts to consume our thoughts constantly.  our time is not well spent.  i did some math.  yes, me, i mathed.  so it may not be correct.  lmao.  i spent about 5-6 hours drunk a night.  so i rounded to 5.5  this is just general, there were nights we went out and drank much longer, i’m just basing it on my nightly bottle of wine drinking.  anyway.  over 7 years, that comes to over 14,000 hours AT LEAST that i have been drunk.  holy fuck that’s a LOT of time literally wasted.  as of typing this, my sober time thing says i have 658 hours since my last drink.  that’s just a few hours compared to what i spent drinking.  i’ll never get those 14k hours back.

when we decide we’ve had enough of the drinking/drugs, we are faced with a lot of time on our hands.  time that we usually passed being intoxicated.  now that we are aware of everything, we aren’t sure what to do with all this time.  after many years of using, we feel we become an empty shell of a person.  we forget who we once were.  we forget the things we enjoyed.  faced with all this time and a new start, it can be overwhelming not knowing what to do.  we literally have to create ourselves from scratch.  we have to rediscover what we loved, or try new things to find something we enjoy.  we have to use our time wisely, because if not it can be easy to slip back into old ways of thinking. and if we start thinking about that, we start to do down the path we worked so hard to get off of.  i have to use tools if i have a thought of drinking.  it not only bring me to the here and now, but also lets me see how time will play out if i choose to act on my thought.  i know what will happen.  i don’t want to go back to that place. i choose to use my time wisely now, and do things i enjoy in the afternoon instead of guzzling down a bottle of wine.

i hope this makes you think about your time and how you choose to spend it.  do you feel you have enough time with loved ones, or do you need to make more time for them?  are you making sure you take time for yourself?  self care is the most important thing you can do for yourself.  you deserve it, and it will make you feel good and happy.  even if it’s just a few minutes a day, take the time out for yourself.  spend some time doing things you love, or discovering new ideas, get creative and find out what sparks your flame.  its your time to shine and live your life in a way that makes every part of your being happy!

“Mama well she told me time is such a wonderful gift, you’re not running out, you’re really running in”
– Trevor Hall, “You Can’t Rush Your Healing