buzz buzz!!

whew.  so the other day i posted on a SMART recovery forum about how i’d signed up for facilitator training but haven’t heard anything.  one of the training people was directed to my post, and went back and checked.  sure enough, he found it.  he has no idea why it didn’t show up, and blamed the “internet gremlins.”  he apologized profusely and offered to put me down on the june training that begins on may 20.  i replied and told him there was no need to apologize, i understand these things happen (also, FUCK YOU MERCURY RETROGRADE), and that i’d love to be placed in the next session.  soooooo…I START MY TRAINING ON MAY 20!!!!!  which also happens to be the big kid’s 16th birthday!

i’ve been trying to write this post for three days, and all i have is the above paragraph.  i did have quite a bit at one point, ranting, then later on, i wasn’t in that mood anymore and deleted it.  nothing i said quite seemed to fit.  but i was determined to finish it.

three years ago, i stumbled upon a blog post about childhood cancer and how people could shave their heads and raise money.  so i googled it, and right away i signed up without hesitation.  i called my husband and he thought i was crazy.  everyone hated the idea of me having a shaved head, but couldn’t really say anything about it because it’s obviously for a good thing.

i was so nervous.  not to shave my head, but for one, i didn’t know ANYONE at the event.  i just signed up for an event closest to my home.  two, it was at a church.  not a witches favorite place to be.  and no, it didn’t burn down when i went in…lol  i ave my head shaved took a friend and my big kid.  it went well, and i had a good time.  and i enjoyed having a shaved head so much, that when the next year came around, i signed up again.  i swore that i was going to let my hair grow out, and so i signed up to shave it once again.

saturday is the big day.  for the third year in a row, i’m going to walk in and have my head shaved.  i haven’t ever had enough hair to donate, so i shave my head for donations.  it goes to a good cause, as every three minutes a child is diagnosed with some form of cancer, and unfortunately only 4% of cancer research goes to childrens cancer.

st baldricks is a wonderful organization, and i’m so glad i found them.  here is my link if you would like to donate.  every little bit helps, even if its only a dollar!!

https://www.stbaldricks.org/participants/mypage/851961/2016

123..ready set go..

how much better can it get!?  i finally went back to a smart recovery meeting this morning. oh how ive missed them. i enjoyed checking in and updating on all the amazing things in my life.

mentioning that i had become a yoga teacher, after the meeting one woman approached me and asked if i’d me interested in doing recovery yoga there on weekends and set up a jar for love donations for anyone that can/wants to give. the office where they are held has a small room downstairs, enough for a few people to throw some mats down. yoga for recovery is one thing i surely wanted to do, i have talked about it, but just didn’t know when or how or where to start.

she also said that it’s great that i am going to become a facilitator, and wants to support me however she can. she offered to come to my first meeting when i have it, and said i could facilitate some of the meetings there to get my feet wet.

y’all. i am beyond excited. THIS is part of why i wanted to get sober. i wanted to help people. i have for a long time, but again, i didn’t know the what’s and how’s. they also said it might still be a while before i start my training, and its every few months or so.  as impatient as i am, i’m ok with it, because this gives me the chance to out together some yoga classes. 

FOUR MONTHS SOBER. i look at that, and i honestly can’t believe its me who is saying that. i am so grateful to be sober. i never imagined i could be so happy and look forward to life so much without alcohol. there were times i expected to die a drunk someday. i never saw myself not drinking. my life basically revolved around a bottle of wine every day. compared to now, that was a very pathetic way of existing. ive worked hard to overcome that. i don’t ever want to go back to that awful place. i enjoy where i am.

so thankful

ohmygoddess was today ever a test.  if you read my previous post, you’ll read about it.  long story short, two weeks without a cigarette has turned me into a basket case. 

my craving finally went away about 5 this evening. i do have to say, this day so far has been my worst day since i quit drinking. but its not the alcohol im craving, its the cigarettes. anyway. i don’t want to talk about that.

i am beyond grateful to be sober today. i am grateful for all of those who are there for me, show me support, and help lift me when i am weak. my husband, my friends, my mom, facebook friends, recovery groups and pages and websites, my blog friends (you guys are amazing for dealing with my crazy ass deepest thoughts), and my dogs. SMART recovery has completely changed my life and without it i wouldn’t have almost two months sober.

i no longer feel blue and confused with what i am doing with my life. for once, i have real goals to better myself.  i have plans for the future and i am excited about it. i feel free from the wine. something i have wanted to feel for many years. now that i have it, i hold on to it as tight as i can.  i don’t ever want to loosen or lose my grip. ive worked too hard, ive come so far, and i refuse to ever go back.

i got this! or do i?

today makes two weeks since my last cigarette. as time goes on, im definitely feeling the benefits.  but im struggling so bad.  all the research i have done said at this point cravings should only occur about 2 or 3 times a day and last just a few minutes. no matter what i do, the thought doesn’t leave my mind.  i wake up craving one.  im not sure if i am having actual urges, i don’t feel I need one, i just want one so fucking bad.  until i go to bed.  the craving is constant. ive used my SMART tools, go for walks, log on to recovery chat, do yoga or exercise, meditate… NOTHING DISTRACTS ME. i can’t even meditate the past few days because the thought of smoking will not leave. sucks when you’re trying to focus on positive stuff and only negative stuff comes in.

i quit 10 years ago and it only sucked for a few days. i was like this back during my first attempt to stop drinking.  miserable, irritated at everything, bitchy.. it sucked. this sucks.  when i quit drinking finally 8 weeks ago, i expected a struggle like this.  but no.  it was really easy this time.  i’ve had two moderate cravings in the early days and that was it.  but this time quitting smoking is 295682856 times harder than quitting drinking. 

so what gives?!  i know everyone is different with what they go through.  but like i said, according to research craving peak at 4-5 days and should be mostly gone by now.  why are they increasing? why is it getting harder each day to not smoke? it seems I’m going the complete opposite of what normally happens. i don’t like this. it sucks. i don’t know what to do. i don’t want to do gum, patches or pills. here’s where i become a hypocrite.. i don’t like putting those chemicals in my body.  yet i had no problem smoking and drinking.  go figure. lmao.  and plus, all the nicotine is out of my body.  ive tried those vape things that friends have, and omg.  those are awful. harsh and they hurt my lungs even with low nicotine and the tiniest little puff.  why people switch to them from cigarettes ill never understand.

anyway… ahh.  i just one ONE, but if you’re reading this you’re probably like me and realize there is no such thing as just one. with us addicts its usually all or nothing.  go big or go home. i don’t want to want them anymore. when i was in this situation with drinking everyone said “you’re just not ready to quit.” does this mean im not ready to quit smoking? 

being SMART about recovery

ten months ago, with just a few sober days under my belt, i pulled into a business park and sat in my car slowly taking in some deep breaths.  i entered a small counseling office and found myself walking down a small hallway that seemed miles long.  as i nervously walked through the last door on the left, i had no ideas what to expect. 

today i went into that little room excited and feeling like a million bucks.  this little room is a place that has changed my life.  its where i attend SMART recovery meetings.   SMART stands for self management and recovery training.  

i started going to meetings in december of 2014 during my first attempt of many to get sober.  i chose SMART for a few reasons.  first, i was looking for a womens only meeting.  check.  second, they are a science based program. i was not interested in a faith or religion based program.  check.  three, i was so terribly ashamed, so i didnt want something nearby.  i live in a small town, and the meetings are half an hour away in a larger city. check. 

i didn’t stay long.  i would go for a week or two at a time then start drinking and i didnt want to go while actively getting drunk.  i purchased the handbook and it sat on my bookshelf as a dust collector for months.  then i began flipping through it more often.  i remembered things the wonderful ladies had said to me when i was struggling.  they have always welcomed me with open arms and i enjoy their company.   they helped lift me up when i was in the deepest part of hell i took myself to, and today they were there as i joyfully announced my 34th day of sobriety.  

my handbook is now showing some wear from lots of use.  the tools are based on cognitive behavior therapy,  rational emotive behavior therapy,  and motivational enhancement therapy.   they have become a treasure to me.  taking the time to sit down and use them during an urge or craving has kept me from drinking a few times.  that is huge because i can so easily talk myself into drinking and forgetting or ignoring the tools.

i have completely blocked off my monday mornings unless it is a life altering emergency. that is my time to focus on recovery with those who have been there.  and when wednesday meetings are added back, that time will be blocked off too.  i am beyond grateful to have found SMART.  it’s truly helped me change my life for the better.

i finally feel like im doing this sobriety thing right.  im happy to not be drinking.  previous attempts i was miserable and anxious to the point of panic attacks.  i now can calm myself and not give in.  i haven’t needed to, because i dont have that feeling this time.  instead, i want to stay sober and strong, because someone else may be in the same hell i was in, and maybe i can help guide them out of that dreadful place.  back into a place where women realize their sacred self for the goddess that they are.

you can go to http://www.smartrecovery.org to find a local meeting, online meetings, forums, 27/7 online chat, tools, and tons of information on recovery.

walking

I went for a walk alone this afternoon because the husband (I need to come up with a catchy nickname for him) isnt feeling well. it was so nice and refreshing. the park was buzzing with great energy and I had a smile the whole time. I passed an older couple with a tiny chihuahua who was acting big and tough.  they said thats how he is when he wants to meet someone and asked if I minded.  of course I said not at all. I let him sniff me and petted him  for a minute. he paid no mind the next few times I walked by him. 

little things like that puts a huge smile on my face.  I love animals (more than people most of the time).  moments like that never happened when I sat on my couch drinking.  I walked some while drinking, but not often or regularly.  but after my walk id run by the liquor store for wine.

I love walking.  I love not getting drunk afterwards. I like the way it makes me feel.  it gets me out of the house and keeps me busy for a while.  when my husband goes I enjoy his company and conversations. I enjoy soaking in my surroundings when im alone. check out this picture I took of the moon while she watched over me:

today makes 28 days sober. four weeks ago I had my last drink.  I really cant believe ive made it for almost a month (friday)!  holy shit! a whole MONTH sober.   that’s never happened. while im kinda proud of myself, im also ashamed that one month is a long time for me to go without alcohol and being drunk.  I feel ashamed that I cant drink responsibly and that I completely have to stay away from it because I am so irresponsible with alcohol.  maybe one day ill be one of those people who lets everyone know and and loud and proud about sobriety, but for now ill stay anonymous in the shadows in comfort.  something about everyone I know (and even dont know) knowing my darkest secrets isnt something I look forward to. 

I do look forward to many more sober days.  ive always heard it takes 28 days to break a habit.  so perhaps ive finally broken that habit. ive only had two real cravings and both times I was easily able to use tools and talk myself out of them.  so I know I can do this. I have support,  i am making monday womens SMART recovery meetings a priority unless there is a legit emergency, I read in my SMART handbook daily and I have this blog.  I love this.  and the people I have found through this are great.  are there any more of you I out there?  what are some of your favorite sober blogs?  I would love to follow more sober bloggers. I really am determined to stay sober. ive made it this far so why go and undo all this work I have done?  it doesnt make sense does it?  but as I know from my past relapse is a real possibility so I must remain vigilant. each day sober is an opportunity for great things to happen and I must remember that.