trip..drama..long post..pictures..

i realize it’s been over a month since my last post.  i had a long post typed out when i opened my app, i guess i never finished or posted. long story short, family drama iver alcohol yet again. im not speaking to my dad and i have lost all respect for him. he found my mom with vodka, and poured out the bottle all over her.  i went down to help her and bring her to my house, i think my dad was expecting me to come in mad at my mom for drinking again, but i told him what an abusive asshole he was. at one point, he lowered down to my height and drew back his hand and said “I’ll knock the fuck out of both of you.”  i stood my ground, and i didn’t back down. he left to go drink beer, and i took my mom to my house. two days lat, my dad was sitting up there with all the other preachers at church. im done with the man.  i forgive him, and im not angry anymore, im just done. 

now for the good part… i went to goddess fest in california and it was SO FUCKING AMAZING!!  i went with a bunch of my coven sisters. we stayed in san fransisco thursday night.  we went to alcatraz, i had panic attacks on the boat ride over because i have an irrational unknown fear of boats that suddenly developed when i was in my late teens.  i got to meet one of the last living prisoners who was there, and i got him to sign his book for my daughter.  i also got a picture with him. 

we went out to eat and i was the only one not drinking. i felt out of place at first, but then i started to read the book i bought and quickly became sucked into it. we went back to the hotel and went to bed, we were tired from traveling and three hours behind.  

we arrived at the goddess fest friday, and i was quickly put to work. they needed someone last minute to work a shift at the registration table. my name was the one everyone suggested.  i felt honored to do it.  and it gave me time to connect with another sister that I didn’t know, that was really nice. 

the rituals and workshops were wonderful and mind blowing.  i participated in a self blessing, which required standing nude in front of a mirror. it was very empowering.  i made a crown of bay laurel leaves which i wore over the weekend. i went on a hike through the redwoods with three other sisters.  we chose not to do the guided hike.  and im glad. we experienced some great energy and took some awesome pictures. let me tell ya, there’s nothing like standing bare ass naked in a ray of sunlight in the redwoods. it was really a wonderful experience.  

there was lots of drinking, but i was ok.  i was happy to be sober because i laughed so fucking hard and i remember everything. and i didn’t wake up feeling like total shit!!  one of the sisters with us that lives in ca who met us there has been sober for 15 years and has been amazing support for me online.  when i first saw her i gave her a big hug and said “oh wow, you’re REAL!”  i got some great pictures, and pretty funny videos, that i surely wouldn’t have been able to get if i had been drinking. 

the weekend flew by.  i did a sacred dance class, a weed talk, made a little doll, and got some goodies.  someone told me there was a faerie figurine inside that looked like me. it was s little pixie with purple hair, wearing green and purple.  i have short purple pixie hair, and i was wearing green and purple. i also bought a diana statue for my altar. i got to meet one of my favorite her so authors, she’s the one who did the weed talk on edible weeds. i got to meet the founder of the dianic tradition, which is the tradition of witchcraft i follow.

 

after the festival ended sunday, we drove down to stinson beach and stayed in a cute little beach house until tuedsay.  it was so beautiful and so much fun.  i was the only one sober, so i began a notebook of funny shit that was said.  one of the girls said she wanted to channel, and wanted me to write down what she said.  she sat down in front of me, and what followed for the next hour i cannot even explain.  she channeled the goddess kali.  she had messages and words of wisdom.  after about a page and a half of scribbling and trying to keep up, i had to quit taking notes. it was too fast, too much, and i was too amazed by what was happening to write anymore. 

afterwards more drinks were in order, as well as skinny dipping in the freezing ass ocean.  i never made it to the ocean that night.  one sister was celebrating her 59th birthday, and boy did she celebrate. she’s a nurse, who travels and works way too much and way too hard. she definitely earned a night to cut loose.  and she had channeled a christian man, who the house/property used to belong to.  so yea, she deserved that night lol. poor woman fell on the way to the beach, my tiny ass, and another girl had to get her ass up and back to and into the house.  we got her to her bed finally.  she was almost out when she said she was going to be sick.  we rolled her over, and she goes “im ok.”  we rolled her back over to try to sleep, and the same thing happened.  we did that senario about ten times, literally.  me and the other girl were cracking up because during all of this she never stopped saying hilarious shit.  she finally did get sick.  after that fiasco, we were just finishing cleaning everything up when a bunch of cold, wet, naked witches came in from the beach. 

the next day everyone laid around recovering.  except for me, i felt fine.  went out and ate with two other girls, got necessities for the night, and went back.  we walked along the beach for almost an hour   we had a lovely sunset ritual on the beach, and offered flowers to the ocean.  it was absolutely beautiful.

i didn’t want to come home and have to face reality again.  the day before we left, i get a text from my husband to call asap.  i called but i couldn’t hear anything.  my speaker apparently been messed up because within ten seconds of being on the beach i dropped my phone in the water. he wouldn’t say anything over text, so i got someone’s phone and called.   my mom had a seizure at work.  she’s ok.  she has a doctors appointment in the morning. probably from drinking and her medicine.  im not even getting into all of that right now.  it’s too much and too much negative energy for me.  im in a good place and id like to stay here. 

so, once again, a challenge defeated. it was almost a weeklong trip, around tons and tons of alcohol, and i didn’t drink.  as of today, i have 262 days, just over 8.5 months sober. you guys.  EIGHT AND A HALF MONTHS SOBER!!!  Can y’all believe this shit?!   i don’t even keep track of it anymore.  i had to go back and look at my counter app to see how much time i had.  not drinking is such a normal part of my life now that i just don’t think about it anymore.   i remember that first month sober, when drinking or not drinking was constantly on my mind. the thought of being sober, the the thought of “im not drinking” never left my head.  i wondered if they would ever stop.  well, eventually they did.  

even though ive been tough some rough and stressful shit the past few months, drinking has not once crossed my mind.  and seeing what it’s doing to my mom, and the problems it’s causing with my parents, i thank the goddess so much for helping me to bring myself out of a situation id wanted out of for so long.  i am free, the chains that bound me to alcohol broke, allowing me to let go for good.   

out of all my sober moments i’ve had, my favorite is and always will be when my daughter told me she was proud of me. 

four months

im finally figuring out how to put stuff onto my phone card thingy, and created enough space to get the wordpress app on my phone. so now i can have easier access to posting instead of having to sit in front of the computer each time. isn’t it awesome what you can learn when you have a clear head? 

today marks 121 days now. this is the end of my fourth month on my #alcoholfree2016 journey. sometimes i wonder what’s different about this time, then I catch myself and stop questioning and accept it in gratitude. i can’t believe i have FOUR MONTHS sober. this year is going by SO quickly. back in january i remember sitting here during those first long days “before i know it, its going to be april.”  now april is just about over. 

i really should be sleeping, i have a busy day tomorrow. i have to go into work early to get stuff done cause i have a reiki client (a real, paying one!), then i have to get ready for beltane celebration with my coven. im trying to enjoy the peace and quiet while it lasts.

the husband took the girls to alabama to see our family. i had too much going on and couldn’t go. my father in law fell and broke his hip and had to have a replacement today. his bones are so brittle I don’t know how they did it. he broke his shoulder a while back and wasn’t a candidate for surgery, said his bones would just crumble putting pins and rods in it. he has awful diabetes he doesn’t take care of, so basically they said there was nothing they could do but hope it didn’t get infected and kill him. so, if you feel inclined, please shoot a good thought or prayer his way.

im gonna crawl into bed and then curse staying up so late come 7 am.. 

if i still drank, today would be the day.

so ya know back in our drinking days, we had “those” days that made us want to start happy hour a few hours earlier, and just say “FUCK THIS DAY!” then you realize it’s only like 9:00 am.  It seems like every five minutes it’s SOMETHING ELSE.  you forget it’s your work day, and when you go to leave when you should be there, of course you’re not going to be able to find your keys.  luckily your boss doesn’t give a shit if you’re late because there’s a good chance you’re there before her, and its literally a two minute walk away but you’re lazy).  on the way there, you slip on something slippery in the woods and fall and bust your ass.  You whimper and whine the rest of your walk, and right before you get to the door, you get a call from the school to come pick up your puking kid.  So you get to miss work, and have all kinds of running around because you’re hosting a full moon circle later in the evening.  You forget stuff because your medication has you a total zombie, you half ass throw something together because you’ve felt too shitty to plan it and what little you DID plan did NOT go as planned, and you break you beautiful talking stick you made.  Not to mention all the times you tripped, or bumped your elbow, or head.

the last full moon circle i hosted, i was drunk.  i had to have almost a bottle of wine before anyone got there.  I don’t know why, I’ve never had a problem socializing sober.  Maybe I thought it would make it more fun?  i always made sure people knew it was byob, and i loved it when someone brought a bottle of wine.  a couple of people would have one, maybe two glasses and say “just keep it and enjoy” as they depart, leaving behind half a bottle of wine or more.  and we all know how that would end.

this time, i didn’t mention anything about byob, and i am now more open with my drinking and sobriety.  no one brought wine.  someone DID bring a fucking kick ass salad though.  despite a crappy day where every time i turned around something went wrong, i had a lovely evening with some wonderful women.

and you know what’s great??  I GET TO GET TO DO IT AGAIN TOMORROW!  I have Ostara ritual with my coven.  I am going to be at the West calling in and releasing during ritual, and I have YET to write my invocation.  But I’m just way too drained to do it tonight.  I need sleep.  It was a shitty day, where normally I’d have been thinking of my bottle of wine.  but honestly, alcohol hasn’t crossed my mind until i sat down to read blogs.  since it’s after midnight, i’m technically going to go ahead and say i have 85 days alcohol free.  the days are getting easier to deal with, even shitty ones like this. then i remember, one month ago i’d just lost my grandmother and was having much worse days and i stayed sober, i couldn’t let some mundane things beyond my control get to me.  i’m at a point in my sobriety where the first thought to an accident, or a problem, or a block, or because something isn’t going my way, my first thought isn’t “omfg i want a drink”, instead i pause and try to see how i can figure it out.  that is becoming normal for me, and i like it.  maybe this change is starting to change me just a little bit.

and OMG, tonight, after circle, i sat down and tallied up the donations, and wrote out a summary of the evening to have for my records.  i’ve NEVER done that.  ANNNNND, i made a to do list of shit i either need to do or need to have for tomorrow.  i don’t know if i’ll actually remember it tomorow, but hey, just the fact that i actually made one is a success.  i’m so excited to see what tomorrow’s celebration has in store.