i don’t know

i can’t believe i have almost four whole months sober.  i never, ever would have imagined this.  what is so different this time?  is it my commitment to an alcohol free year?  i’ve committed to things before.  back at the beginning of this blog, i attempted a 100 day no alcohol challenge.  and i only made it like, a couple of weeks.  now, i seriously can’t imagine drinking.  even on bad days where i’ve said “i want wine”, i knew i really didn’t want it, i just said it out of humor and without intent.  have i reached a point where i’m comfortable in my sobriety?  i think so.  i don’t have cravings or urges anymore.  i don’t think about drinking.  i don’t think about being sober either.  the only time i DO think about it is when i’m on here.

i hear a lot of people say you shouldn’t get comfortable, you should always be on guard, because relapse could happen at any moment.  frankly, i can’t live like that.  i spent too many damn years miserable, uncomfortable, consumed by thoughts of alcohol.  i’m ready to be comfortable.  i’m ready to not have to worry over my drinking.  i’m ready to be free of the obsession.  and if i’m always on guard, watching out for relapse to sneak up, how is that any better?   sure, maybe i’m not being stupid and drunk, but i don’t want to live in a bubble terrified that alcohol might pounce on me.  i understand being aware, that’s not what i’m talking about.  i guess what i’m saying is i once lived my life obsessed around alcohol, i don’t want to trade that for an obsession around avoiding it at all costs.  i want to be ok if i go out with friends who drink, not have fear i will be tempted.  i have avoided places because i didn’t have an escape plan if i needed. when i have been around drinking and i could leave if i wanted, i’ve been absolutely fine.  but i’m not ready for being somewhere without an escape.  little steps.  luckily, that situation is rare.

i bought this book called codependent no more, lots of people have recommended it.  i can sorta identify with a few things there, but i don’t think that i am really codependent.  i’m just dependent.  i’ve never had to or been able to support myself.  i lived at home with my parents until i got married, and worked part time.  i have worked two full time jobs, and several part time jobs during my marriage, but most of the time i’ve been a stay at home parent.  i don’t have relationship problems.  yes, i do put my familys needs before mine, but what parent doesn’t do that?  i do take care of myself.  i’ve never really felt “trapped” into doing things for people (well, except for my nanny, i didn’t feel trapped though, i just wanted some help).  now that she is gone, i don’t have that worry anymore (i know that looks horrible typed out, but i’m pretty sure you know what i mean).  my husband quit drinking, but when we were drinking, it didn’t cause problems (except within our own minds).  i’m not a “rescuer.”  i don’t save people or try to solve their problems, or worry over anyone elses problems.

so, i don’t know.  this past year or so, it’s really been bothering me that i have to depend on others.  that i have to ask people for money for things i need.  i want to be able to provide for myself.  i want to help my husband, he works hard to support us and i know he’d appreciate me helping.  but i don’t know how to adult.  i don’t know what adults do.  i WANT to know.  i want to know how to do it and be successful.   it’s crazy, i have things i want to do, but i don’t know where to start.  i have all the motivation, i just don’t have the know how, and i don’t know how to get that.  i know i don’t want to spend years in school.  i have a yoga teaching certification, reiki certification, almost a psychic certification, and i don’t know how to put any of that to work.

anyway.  sobriety makes me think a lot.  obviously.  i will find a way to make what i want to work.  i know i will, but i want to NOW.  i am too impatient.  i’m waiting to start my SMART recovery facilitator training, i haven’t received any emails about anything.  i signed up on the 13th, and if you sign up before the 15th you start the next month.  next month is three days away now.  i just want to hear SOMETHING.  this post ended up all over the place.  but i’m in a great mood, and i feel good.  i just want to start moving forward!

i was born a rambling man

first off..THE HUSBAND HAS REACHED 50 DAYS TODAY!!  like me, this is the longest he’s been sober in years.  i’m so super proud of him.

he was pissy this weekend, and very cleany.  i was NOT in a cleaning mood at all this weekend, i was in a gardening mood.  so, the house got cleaned.  and i planted a bunch of shit.  even though i’m in the best shape i’ve been in in years, I AM SO FUCKING SORE TODAY.  my coven also had clean up day at our circle, and i was the one blowing leaves.  every time i a leaf blower, my arms are like jello for days.  though, i have to admit, i did a pretty damn good blow job.  haha.

the other day, i was on my reader, and i realized that most of the days, i only see about 1 or 2 updates.  so this means a couple of things.  ONE, i’m surely not following enough people.  and two, well, i dunno.  a couple of things sounded better.  so.  i’m looking for blogs to follow.  i found a couple through other blogs.  and you know what that means, i can’t start with yesterdays post, i have to go all the way to the beginning and read the entire thing, so i can know what’s going on now.  good thing my house is clean so i can sit here all day reading blogs and not worry about getting nothing else done.

yesterday, i worked for almost an hour, and then went to my parents to help out my dad prepare for cooking burgers later.  i came home, and planted in the garden for almost 3 hours, went and ate, then went back to work for an hour, then came home and worked in the garden for a couple of more hours.  it’s nice to not get drunk every evening anymore. i would have came home from work, opened the wine, and walk out to the garden.  i might plant some stuff, in no order, with crooked ass rows.  this year, i took the time to measure out between the rows to get the lawn mower in between them, before i had just a small enough path for me to walk around stuff.  that resulted in SO MANY WEEDS.  i couldn’t keep up with it, and the garden ended up totally overrun by the weeds.  having a clear head, and not hung over, i was able to think about past years, and what i could try different.  i planted things in a totally different way than i ever have before.  also, i would have said “fuck it” after about two crooked rows, and call it quits because i’d be too buzzed to care about gardening anymore.  i worked until almost dark last night.

i received my SMART Recover facilitators handbook saturday in the mail, along with a box of random craft stuff from a friend.  i’m really excited about this journey.  i’d love to go to the womens meeting this morning, but, my gas light is on, and i have no money to put gas into my car.  i certainly won’t make an hour drive there, and an hour back on the little fumes.  in fact, i’m actually concerned if i’ll even make it to the gas station that’s about a mile and a half away.

so, i have a new goal, and that is to become organized.  i’ve NEVER been an organized person.  i’ve never been a routine/schedule person.  they drive me crazy and throw me off balance.  i’ve tried making a “to do” list each day, but unfortunately, nothing ever gets done, and i end up making the same list day after day.  it’s a great idea in theory.  but like, i want to get something really going with my business.  my yoga, card readings, reiki, whatever, but i don’t know how or what to do.  i think getting organized might help lead me there.  also, i wonder what has sparked this sudden urge.  this is not who i am.  like i said, i HATE stuff like that, so why am i wanting to do this?  how do i do it?  why can’t i be a normal adult like everyone else?  i swear, i feel like i still have the knowledge of a 17 year old.  i know NOTHING about adult stuff.  i don’t know how to pay bills, i don’t know anything about politics, or taxes, or what a deductible is, i don’t have or know anything about insurance, i have about $3 in my checking account, that i just got last year.  my license expired in december, and i’ve yet to get a new one.  I CAN’T DO THESE THINGS BY MYSELF!

how do you motivate yourself and grow and learn to adult?   i know that sounds stupid, but i really have no idea what i’m doing.  i just know i’m tired of sitting at home day after day.  i love my time and all, but i would like to take on clients and stuff, and make my own money.  i’ve never been able to support myself, ever.  i don’t know how.  i don’t want to go out and get a job i hate, i want to make my own way work (i’ve always been rebellious and wanted things MY way).  and seeing as i don’t NEED to work, i have that ability.  it’s weird, because i can look outside myself, as if i were someone else and think “she can do all of this stuff, and she’s sitting there wasting it!  she has all the time in the world and could be so great if she’d just do something!”  but then i come back to myself and all i see is that fear, i hear the voices that has always said “you can’t do that” (and there have been many, in my head and from other people), i see myself not being as good as others, i’ll never be successful (even though i know that’s not true and i CAN envision myself successful).  i see myself as stuck because i don’t have any money to do stuff.  so if someone wants to donate $200 for my summer solstice retreat, that would be GREAT, cause i need it asap, and i’m freaking out about it.  which then makes me dwell on the fact that i only have $3 in the bank, and ways to make money if i just knew how to be a better adult.

boy am i ball of mixed up today.  at least i’m in a good mood.  i’m feeling motivated this morning.  mentally, i wish my body would catch up.  i need to plant some more things.  i need to read more blogs.  i’m hungry.  actually, i’d be nice to go back to sleep.  i want to make a vision board.  i want to clean my healing room.  my brain is all over the place.  i don’t know what i want.  so i’m gonna sit here and eat skittles and read blogs.

one hundred plus two

*edit* i started this last night, but i literally fell asleep while typing, so technically it’s day 102.

so, in all of the vacation business, i didn’t get a chance to post, but i officially passed 100 days.  today makes 101 days i have not drank  i can’t believe it.  i never, ever thought i would ever see this amount of sober time.  it’s been hard at times, but i’ve made it.  here are 101 things i’ve discovered about myself and sobriety:

101.   sobriety is hard
100.  sobriety is easy
99.    i sleep so well when i don’t pass out after a bottle of wine
98.    life really can be fun without alcohol.
97.    my house stays somewhat cleaner
96.    i eat somewhat healthier
95.    i’m not really as bored as i thought i was
94.   cool things happen and i remember them
93.    i enjoy not feeling like shit all the time
92.    life can present some pretty cool opportunities
91.    my body doesn’t do as many weird things when i’m not drinking
90.    i like not having to worry if i’m dying because of those weird things
89.    i’d like to say i’m less patient, maybe just a tad
88.    i suck with money, and not drinking hasn’t saved me anything at all
87.    i wake up feeling refreshed most mornings
86.    sobriety sucks sometimes
85.    sobriety is awesome at times
84.    there are lots of emotions that come out
83.    i’m way more emotional than i ever thought i was
82.    i feel better physically
81.    i never knew i would feel as good as i do
80.   i think that is part of sleeping much better
79.   i’ve made self care more important
78.   i treat myself to salt and oil baths several times a week
77.   i say affirmations daily
76.   i try to do yoga daily, if not at least several times a week
75.   i am getting a pretty hot body from my yoga
74.   i enjoy meditating more
73.   its easier to meditate when my brain isn’t foggy
72.   i don’t dream very much in sobriety
71.   when i do, i barely remember them
70.  my intuition has definitely developed more
69.  hehehehe 69
68.   i still have all of my weirdness
67.   in fact, i do crazier things when i’m sober than when drunk
66.   like the other week when i wore a size 3T diaper and a superhero cape
65.   i ran around the living room proudly, and there is photographic evidence
64.   i did something else that was really dumb, but i can’t remember it now
63.   i survived my first sober vacation
62.   i didn’t think i was going to the last few days of it
61.   apparently i’m stronger than i think i am
60.  if i can survive my grandmothers death and stay sober, i can get through anything
59.   i still have moments where i feel like i’m not going to survive it
58.   as the days pass, the moments don’t come quite as often
57.   i can’t rush healing, so i take it day by day and go with the flow
56.   i am learning to honor ALL of my feelings
55.   even the ones i don’t like or want to feel
54.   each high and each low is an opportunity to learn and grow
53.   i’m discovering more about myself each day
52.  even though my routine hasn’t changes much, each day brings new things
51.   i’ve done things in these past few months i never expected
50.  like become a yoga instructor, now to put it to use somehow
49.  i still feel like a kid, and it is my mission to be more adultish
48.  i literally have no idea how to adult at anything
47.  i have no clue how to talk adult, i have no clue what a deductible is
46.  i want to start my own business, but i don’t know how to business
45.  and i don’t have any money to start a business
44.  i have faith that it will happen and fall in to place when the time is right
43.  i don’t feel awkward not drinking around people anymore
42.  it’s pretty easy to say no and not worry
41.  it’s totally my choice as to tell them why i dont drink or not
40.  i haven’t gotten a single bit of judgment so far for not drinking
39.  or for admitting my issues publicly
38.  that was really shocking, as i expected a lot of judgment
37.  i have the best family and friends and support system in the world
36.  i’ve totally traded in my alcohol addiction for a skittles addiction
35.  i am totally not ashamed either
34.  i’m actually starting to not feel ashamed about my drinking either
33.  i still have a lot there, but i’m slowly working on it
32.  i didn’t realize this list was going to get so hard
30.  101 things a lot more than i thought
29.  but, that’s me, i’m not one to think things through first
28.  i’ve always been like that, i’d rather jump in then think about it later
27.  i’m now on day 102, i had to stop last night because i was falling asleep typing
26.  i look forward to going to bed each night, grateful to be sober
25.  i enjoy waking up feeling good and ready to start my day
24.  i didn’t realize i had a hangover for almost 8 years
23.  i started my sobriety on a leap year
22.  that means my first year will have an extra day of sobriety
21.   i really enjoy reading books on people’s sobriety stories
20.  someday, maybe i could learn to write a book and write my own
19.  if you have any book suggestions, please share them with me
18.  now that i have almost 3.5 months sober, its time to start facing my fears
17.  i have all these dreams, but no idea how to reach them
16.  instead of fearing not knowing, i will be grateful i have the opportunity to learn
15.  this morning i said today is the day i punch my fears in the face
14.  i may not know what i’m doing, but i can do little things that lead to bigger steps
13.  sitting here just thinking isn’t getting me anywhere and i’m tired of feeling stuck
12.  i really want to get back to my SMART meetings
11.  i think i’m going to take the facilitator training soon
10. i love SMART Recovery and i want to bring it to my area
9.  cause it sucks driving almost an hour through road construction
8.  and we don’t really have any options here other than AA
7.  seven is my favorite number
6.  i’m grateful for this blog, and those of you who have stuck around
5.  it’s been almost a year since i’ve started this, and it helps me so much
4.  i’m completely open now, but mostly anonymous
3.  i’m not sure if anyone i personally know reads this
2.  i never imagined myself being sober and in recovery, but i am, and i love it
1.  i’m grateful i took back my power and control of my life

being sober

hell yeah!  I beat my longest sober streak since ive been trying to quit.  last time i made it this far I caved on this day.  for 27 days I haven’t drank alcohol. that’s almost a month.  I cant believe it has been a month nearly. this month has flown by. 

me and the husband went for a walk after supper.  we enjoy getting out and getting lost in our own world of chit chat.  plus its good for us.  tonight we talked and agreed that we want to go back to our primal diet.  we felt fantastic while on the diet (not really a diet).  even though we were drinking.  so I just imagine how good I could feel eating right on top of not drinking. im excited to give it a whirl. 

we also talked about how awesome we both are doing with not drinking.  he said that friday at work someone commented that he seems to be in a better mood lately and he hasnt told any of them he quit drinking.  even tge ladies at SMART this morning said i had a glow to me. my husband even said this time felt different for him. he hasnt had any cravings or wanted to drink. he’s like me, he said he’s just finally had enough.  he got tired of feeling like shit all the time and working hung over.  its just not fun for us anymore. 

we were lazy and unproductive. since we stopped, the house has stayed cleaner. at night I get out the little kids clothes for school instead of stumbling around with a pounding headache and feeling like id been hit by a bus trying to find something last minute in a pile of laundry. remembering to brush her hair before bed so its not so tangled in the morning. it’s the little things that make me grateful that im not drinking.  I told my husband I want to focus on being more organized. something ive NEVER been good at.

I think im finally ready to try and give this adulting a shot. yikes!  lets see how this goes..