one hundred plus two

*edit* i started this last night, but i literally fell asleep while typing, so technically it’s day 102.

so, in all of the vacation business, i didn’t get a chance to post, but i officially passed 100 days.  today makes 101 days i have not drank  i can’t believe it.  i never, ever thought i would ever see this amount of sober time.  it’s been hard at times, but i’ve made it.  here are 101 things i’ve discovered about myself and sobriety:

101.   sobriety is hard
100.  sobriety is easy
99.    i sleep so well when i don’t pass out after a bottle of wine
98.    life really can be fun without alcohol.
97.    my house stays somewhat cleaner
96.    i eat somewhat healthier
95.    i’m not really as bored as i thought i was
94.   cool things happen and i remember them
93.    i enjoy not feeling like shit all the time
92.    life can present some pretty cool opportunities
91.    my body doesn’t do as many weird things when i’m not drinking
90.    i like not having to worry if i’m dying because of those weird things
89.    i’d like to say i’m less patient, maybe just a tad
88.    i suck with money, and not drinking hasn’t saved me anything at all
87.    i wake up feeling refreshed most mornings
86.    sobriety sucks sometimes
85.    sobriety is awesome at times
84.    there are lots of emotions that come out
83.    i’m way more emotional than i ever thought i was
82.    i feel better physically
81.    i never knew i would feel as good as i do
80.   i think that is part of sleeping much better
79.   i’ve made self care more important
78.   i treat myself to salt and oil baths several times a week
77.   i say affirmations daily
76.   i try to do yoga daily, if not at least several times a week
75.   i am getting a pretty hot body from my yoga
74.   i enjoy meditating more
73.   its easier to meditate when my brain isn’t foggy
72.   i don’t dream very much in sobriety
71.   when i do, i barely remember them
70.  my intuition has definitely developed more
69.  hehehehe 69
68.   i still have all of my weirdness
67.   in fact, i do crazier things when i’m sober than when drunk
66.   like the other week when i wore a size 3T diaper and a superhero cape
65.   i ran around the living room proudly, and there is photographic evidence
64.   i did something else that was really dumb, but i can’t remember it now
63.   i survived my first sober vacation
62.   i didn’t think i was going to the last few days of it
61.   apparently i’m stronger than i think i am
60.  if i can survive my grandmothers death and stay sober, i can get through anything
59.   i still have moments where i feel like i’m not going to survive it
58.   as the days pass, the moments don’t come quite as often
57.   i can’t rush healing, so i take it day by day and go with the flow
56.   i am learning to honor ALL of my feelings
55.   even the ones i don’t like or want to feel
54.   each high and each low is an opportunity to learn and grow
53.   i’m discovering more about myself each day
52.  even though my routine hasn’t changes much, each day brings new things
51.   i’ve done things in these past few months i never expected
50.  like become a yoga instructor, now to put it to use somehow
49.  i still feel like a kid, and it is my mission to be more adultish
48.  i literally have no idea how to adult at anything
47.  i have no clue how to talk adult, i have no clue what a deductible is
46.  i want to start my own business, but i don’t know how to business
45.  and i don’t have any money to start a business
44.  i have faith that it will happen and fall in to place when the time is right
43.  i don’t feel awkward not drinking around people anymore
42.  it’s pretty easy to say no and not worry
41.  it’s totally my choice as to tell them why i dont drink or not
40.  i haven’t gotten a single bit of judgment so far for not drinking
39.  or for admitting my issues publicly
38.  that was really shocking, as i expected a lot of judgment
37.  i have the best family and friends and support system in the world
36.  i’ve totally traded in my alcohol addiction for a skittles addiction
35.  i am totally not ashamed either
34.  i’m actually starting to not feel ashamed about my drinking either
33.  i still have a lot there, but i’m slowly working on it
32.  i didn’t realize this list was going to get so hard
30.  101 things a lot more than i thought
29.  but, that’s me, i’m not one to think things through first
28.  i’ve always been like that, i’d rather jump in then think about it later
27.  i’m now on day 102, i had to stop last night because i was falling asleep typing
26.  i look forward to going to bed each night, grateful to be sober
25.  i enjoy waking up feeling good and ready to start my day
24.  i didn’t realize i had a hangover for almost 8 years
23.  i started my sobriety on a leap year
22.  that means my first year will have an extra day of sobriety
21.   i really enjoy reading books on people’s sobriety stories
20.  someday, maybe i could learn to write a book and write my own
19.  if you have any book suggestions, please share them with me
18.  now that i have almost 3.5 months sober, its time to start facing my fears
17.  i have all these dreams, but no idea how to reach them
16.  instead of fearing not knowing, i will be grateful i have the opportunity to learn
15.  this morning i said today is the day i punch my fears in the face
14.  i may not know what i’m doing, but i can do little things that lead to bigger steps
13.  sitting here just thinking isn’t getting me anywhere and i’m tired of feeling stuck
12.  i really want to get back to my SMART meetings
11.  i think i’m going to take the facilitator training soon
10. i love SMART Recovery and i want to bring it to my area
9.  cause it sucks driving almost an hour through road construction
8.  and we don’t really have any options here other than AA
7.  seven is my favorite number
6.  i’m grateful for this blog, and those of you who have stuck around
5.  it’s been almost a year since i’ve started this, and it helps me so much
4.  i’m completely open now, but mostly anonymous
3.  i’m not sure if anyone i personally know reads this
2.  i never imagined myself being sober and in recovery, but i am, and i love it
1.  i’m grateful i took back my power and control of my life

being SMART about recovery

ten months ago, with just a few sober days under my belt, i pulled into a business park and sat in my car slowly taking in some deep breaths.  i entered a small counseling office and found myself walking down a small hallway that seemed miles long.  as i nervously walked through the last door on the left, i had no ideas what to expect. 

today i went into that little room excited and feeling like a million bucks.  this little room is a place that has changed my life.  its where i attend SMART recovery meetings.   SMART stands for self management and recovery training.  

i started going to meetings in december of 2014 during my first attempt of many to get sober.  i chose SMART for a few reasons.  first, i was looking for a womens only meeting.  check.  second, they are a science based program. i was not interested in a faith or religion based program.  check.  three, i was so terribly ashamed, so i didnt want something nearby.  i live in a small town, and the meetings are half an hour away in a larger city. check. 

i didn’t stay long.  i would go for a week or two at a time then start drinking and i didnt want to go while actively getting drunk.  i purchased the handbook and it sat on my bookshelf as a dust collector for months.  then i began flipping through it more often.  i remembered things the wonderful ladies had said to me when i was struggling.  they have always welcomed me with open arms and i enjoy their company.   they helped lift me up when i was in the deepest part of hell i took myself to, and today they were there as i joyfully announced my 34th day of sobriety.  

my handbook is now showing some wear from lots of use.  the tools are based on cognitive behavior therapy,  rational emotive behavior therapy,  and motivational enhancement therapy.   they have become a treasure to me.  taking the time to sit down and use them during an urge or craving has kept me from drinking a few times.  that is huge because i can so easily talk myself into drinking and forgetting or ignoring the tools.

i have completely blocked off my monday mornings unless it is a life altering emergency. that is my time to focus on recovery with those who have been there.  and when wednesday meetings are added back, that time will be blocked off too.  i am beyond grateful to have found SMART.  it’s truly helped me change my life for the better.

i finally feel like im doing this sobriety thing right.  im happy to not be drinking.  previous attempts i was miserable and anxious to the point of panic attacks.  i now can calm myself and not give in.  i haven’t needed to, because i dont have that feeling this time.  instead, i want to stay sober and strong, because someone else may be in the same hell i was in, and maybe i can help guide them out of that dreadful place.  back into a place where women realize their sacred self for the goddess that they are.

you can go to http://www.smartrecovery.org to find a local meeting, online meetings, forums, 27/7 online chat, tools, and tons of information on recovery.