one hundred plus two

*edit* i started this last night, but i literally fell asleep while typing, so technically it’s day 102.

so, in all of the vacation business, i didn’t get a chance to post, but i officially passed 100 days.  today makes 101 days i have not drank  i can’t believe it.  i never, ever thought i would ever see this amount of sober time.  it’s been hard at times, but i’ve made it.  here are 101 things i’ve discovered about myself and sobriety:

101.   sobriety is hard
100.  sobriety is easy
99.    i sleep so well when i don’t pass out after a bottle of wine
98.    life really can be fun without alcohol.
97.    my house stays somewhat cleaner
96.    i eat somewhat healthier
95.    i’m not really as bored as i thought i was
94.   cool things happen and i remember them
93.    i enjoy not feeling like shit all the time
92.    life can present some pretty cool opportunities
91.    my body doesn’t do as many weird things when i’m not drinking
90.    i like not having to worry if i’m dying because of those weird things
89.    i’d like to say i’m less patient, maybe just a tad
88.    i suck with money, and not drinking hasn’t saved me anything at all
87.    i wake up feeling refreshed most mornings
86.    sobriety sucks sometimes
85.    sobriety is awesome at times
84.    there are lots of emotions that come out
83.    i’m way more emotional than i ever thought i was
82.    i feel better physically
81.    i never knew i would feel as good as i do
80.   i think that is part of sleeping much better
79.   i’ve made self care more important
78.   i treat myself to salt and oil baths several times a week
77.   i say affirmations daily
76.   i try to do yoga daily, if not at least several times a week
75.   i am getting a pretty hot body from my yoga
74.   i enjoy meditating more
73.   its easier to meditate when my brain isn’t foggy
72.   i don’t dream very much in sobriety
71.   when i do, i barely remember them
70.  my intuition has definitely developed more
69.  hehehehe 69
68.   i still have all of my weirdness
67.   in fact, i do crazier things when i’m sober than when drunk
66.   like the other week when i wore a size 3T diaper and a superhero cape
65.   i ran around the living room proudly, and there is photographic evidence
64.   i did something else that was really dumb, but i can’t remember it now
63.   i survived my first sober vacation
62.   i didn’t think i was going to the last few days of it
61.   apparently i’m stronger than i think i am
60.  if i can survive my grandmothers death and stay sober, i can get through anything
59.   i still have moments where i feel like i’m not going to survive it
58.   as the days pass, the moments don’t come quite as often
57.   i can’t rush healing, so i take it day by day and go with the flow
56.   i am learning to honor ALL of my feelings
55.   even the ones i don’t like or want to feel
54.   each high and each low is an opportunity to learn and grow
53.   i’m discovering more about myself each day
52.  even though my routine hasn’t changes much, each day brings new things
51.   i’ve done things in these past few months i never expected
50.  like become a yoga instructor, now to put it to use somehow
49.  i still feel like a kid, and it is my mission to be more adultish
48.  i literally have no idea how to adult at anything
47.  i have no clue how to talk adult, i have no clue what a deductible is
46.  i want to start my own business, but i don’t know how to business
45.  and i don’t have any money to start a business
44.  i have faith that it will happen and fall in to place when the time is right
43.  i don’t feel awkward not drinking around people anymore
42.  it’s pretty easy to say no and not worry
41.  it’s totally my choice as to tell them why i dont drink or not
40.  i haven’t gotten a single bit of judgment so far for not drinking
39.  or for admitting my issues publicly
38.  that was really shocking, as i expected a lot of judgment
37.  i have the best family and friends and support system in the world
36.  i’ve totally traded in my alcohol addiction for a skittles addiction
35.  i am totally not ashamed either
34.  i’m actually starting to not feel ashamed about my drinking either
33.  i still have a lot there, but i’m slowly working on it
32.  i didn’t realize this list was going to get so hard
30.  101 things a lot more than i thought
29.  but, that’s me, i’m not one to think things through first
28.  i’ve always been like that, i’d rather jump in then think about it later
27.  i’m now on day 102, i had to stop last night because i was falling asleep typing
26.  i look forward to going to bed each night, grateful to be sober
25.  i enjoy waking up feeling good and ready to start my day
24.  i didn’t realize i had a hangover for almost 8 years
23.  i started my sobriety on a leap year
22.  that means my first year will have an extra day of sobriety
21.   i really enjoy reading books on people’s sobriety stories
20.  someday, maybe i could learn to write a book and write my own
19.  if you have any book suggestions, please share them with me
18.  now that i have almost 3.5 months sober, its time to start facing my fears
17.  i have all these dreams, but no idea how to reach them
16.  instead of fearing not knowing, i will be grateful i have the opportunity to learn
15.  this morning i said today is the day i punch my fears in the face
14.  i may not know what i’m doing, but i can do little things that lead to bigger steps
13.  sitting here just thinking isn’t getting me anywhere and i’m tired of feeling stuck
12.  i really want to get back to my SMART meetings
11.  i think i’m going to take the facilitator training soon
10. i love SMART Recovery and i want to bring it to my area
9.  cause it sucks driving almost an hour through road construction
8.  and we don’t really have any options here other than AA
7.  seven is my favorite number
6.  i’m grateful for this blog, and those of you who have stuck around
5.  it’s been almost a year since i’ve started this, and it helps me so much
4.  i’m completely open now, but mostly anonymous
3.  i’m not sure if anyone i personally know reads this
2.  i never imagined myself being sober and in recovery, but i am, and i love it
1.  i’m grateful i took back my power and control of my life

90 Days!

(i started this last night, and finished this morning, so technically it’s day 91 now)

holy cow.  i never thought id make it this far, like, ever.  90 days ago, i decided that i was going to do 2016 alcohol free.  90 days ago, i didn’t know what to expect.  heres what i know 90 days later:

• sleep is great when you’re not drunk
• waking up is  great when you’re not hung over
• even though you do every thing to get healthy, your body WILL do some shitty things for a while.  and it’s not really fun, but eventually, it will pass.
• cravings pass.
• when something stressful comes up, drinking about it is NOT your first thought
• in fact, its not even a thought at all anymore
• stopping is the hardest part of recovery.  getting thought that first day, that first urge after you have decided to change, THAT is the hardest part.  if you can get through the first day, you can get to through any day.
• dealing with cravings is the second hardest part.  but, see above, if you make it though the first, you’ll be able to make it though the rest.
• you start finding things out about yourself.  like, the deep stuff
• you finally feel like you’re out of the fog you’ve been in for so long.  when you walk into a room, it takes less time to remember why.
• you still will be just as damn clumsy as if you were still drinking.
• but the mysterious ugly and huge bruises disappear.
• you will fall into your new routine.  i kept trying so hard to make things different, but when you let go and let the flow guide you, it will take you where you need to be.
• you’ll feel lost.  a lot.  but dont worry, something will come your way.

so.  there you go.  i dont feel i’ve been sober long enough to see any MAJOR changes.  but i know they will come.  it will take time.  three months is fucking forever, and no time at all at the same time.  as much as the saying “one day at a time” make me want to punch people in the face (i dont know why, but it does.  i HATE that phrase), you really have to take things as they come.  taking things as they come is super helpful.  sometimes, its all i can to do make it though a day. not sober, just in general.  and not in an “i want to die” way or anything, more like “i have no energy to breath let alone even get up and do <insert random mundane chore here>.

though, i am feeling better from my headaches.  i started taking allergy medicine for headaches, and it seems to be helping.  i will be done with my antibiotics tomorrow.  after that she wants to see if i still have the headache and if i do she wants me to come back.  but, i don’t have the money, so, allergy medicine it is.  i do have a bit of one this morning though, but it looks all gross and rainy out so it could be the weather.  whatever it is, luckily it’s not too bad.  hopefully i can get rid of it, or at least keep it to a minimum.

i finally started dreaming again.  why is it when i stop drinking for a while, i stop dreaming also?  remember back in like, october/november, when i was like “i’m not dreaming” then i started dreaming?   this time too, except it took longer.  the other night, i had a dream that a doctor told me i was pregnant.  omg i was SO devastated.  i cried all night in my dream to my mama about how i didn’t want a baby and i didn’t want to be pregnant.  like, i almost feel bad for my dream baby, it was THAT bad i didn’t want it.  i mean, it was just THE worst thing EVER.  i was 9 weeks along.  but i was confused because i was on my cycle, but i knew and had accepted the fact that i was pregnant with this baby and i didn’t want to be.

so…dream interpretation time!  oh how i have so missed this.  first off, what am i creating?  what am i about to give birth to?  second, why am i so afraid to do this?  why dont i want to do it?  i can either do this, or i can let it die.  i can let fear bury it inside me, or i can birth this thing.  i can bring it to reality.  now…to figure out what the fuck “it” is..

you may say i’m a dreamer. but i’m not the only one.

it’s one of those mornings where i woke up ready to take on and change the world.  do all kind of great sober things, help others get and stay sober, start something super amazing, just do the biggest things that i can do to be the best sober rock star i can be.  so much motivation and inspiration and i can do it! because i’m SOBER!

aren’t those feelings great?  its like that warm fuzzy feeling you get after the first glass of wine, but this is all natural.  you feel good being sober.  you’re feeling that love, that goodness without the intoxication and shitty feeling that alcohol brings.  you think because you have a little bit of time under your belt and that you’re feeling great, that you can do anything sober for the rest of your life.  you’ve moved past the hurdle of stopping, you’ve went through the shitty detox phase, and now you’re building a nice little sober life for yourself.  you want to take on the world now.  perhaps we see all these ads on the new sober pages we visit that say “become a drug and alcohol counselor” and think “oh i got this now, i’m going to become a counselor so i can help others feel this great!”  or we think we want to start some new big organization because we have the answers now and we know what to do.

while all of these are wonderful ideas, and can absolutely be attainable, they are not the reality of how recovery and sobriety goes.  we sometimes get so caught up with ourselves in our new found sobriety when things start going well for us, not thinking that we can so easily be knocked off that pedestal.  sure, we may have it figured out early in sobriety.  that’s great if you’re one of those people.  most aren’t.  we get all these grand ideas in our heads, not realizing there is much work we still need to do.  have you gone through holidays sober?  have you dealt with the loss of a loved one sober?  these are just two examples of where people can really struggle with their sobriety.  now, i’m not saying you have have holiday time sober or that you must go through a loss to understand sobriety on a deeper level, but as newly sober people, we look at the good things and changes, and often don’t think about the times where our sobriety can be challenged to the very core.

what i’m trying to get at, is that the newly sober person may want to do all these big things, and that’s great, don’t ever lose sight of those dreams.  but you must realize, there is so much work to be done on ourselves before we can do these grand things.  sure we can help others as we learn on our path, but trying to reach out and help many people at once isn’t a wise idea in early sobriety.  at this point, you are still needing help, whether you realize it or not.  there are many struggles that can happen in a year, so a few days/weeks/months isn’t really enough time to gauge out how your sobriety is going.  we look so much to the future of what we want to do, that we sometimes neglect the present.

as we recover, each day is a new beginning to do wonderful things.  before we can share these wonderful things, we must first learn them for ourselves.  we must make grand changes within ourselves before we can make grand changes in the world.  and we do that day by day, moment by moment.  each time we struggle with the desire to drink and we overcome that with our sobriety in tact, that is a grand victory.  you may not see it at the moment, but years from now, when you’re dreams are true and you are doing those big things, you’ll look back on that moment and think “wow, i’m so glad i didn’t give up that time in early sobriety when i really wanted to.”  if we look at all the great things people have done, we see it didn’t happen overnight, or in months, many times it takes years.  it may take months to plan a event, but all the work prior to that planning was the key, because if you didn’t do the work needed to get to the point to put the event on, you wouldn’t be there at that moment.  those people worked hard, they struggled, they saw successes and failures, but they kept pushing through to make their dreams happened.

don’t ever give up on your dreams, no matter what they are.  you want to be a drug and alcohol counselor?  great!  i’ll fully support you!  but first, i want to help support you in becoming the best sober person you can be.  work on yourself first, make those grand changes beginning with little baby steps.  you can do it, you can change the world, but first, you must change yourself, and that takes time.  so give yourself time to enjoy early sobriety.  dream big, but don’t stay in the dream world.  come back down to reality, and when the time is right, things will start falling into place for bigger and better things.  slow down, take some deep breaths, hold on, and enjoy the ride.

lets ride the emotional roller coaster again!

gah.  i shouldn’t go back through my old year book first thing in the morning.  my big kid and me were talking about teachers, turns out she has one of the teachers *i* had in high school.  i had her her first or second year, for half a semester.  because i failed the first half of world history in 10th, grade, i had to retake it in 11th with the other 10th graders.  17 years later (HOLY FUCKING SHIT, HAS IT BEEN SEVENTEEN YEARS SINCE I’VE BEEN OUT OF SCHOOL?!) they are still taking notes off of the projector.  except the technology is better.

oh how i’d give anything to go back to that time.  i sit here crying, thinking about it. it’s not a bad cry.  more of an “i miss this.”  around this time 17 years ago, i was 17.  i had just had my first experiences with alcohol.  but i had yet to actually be drunk.  that would happen later in the summer, wasn’t too pretty, from what i remember and heard.  i miss having all the world ahead of me, with all kinds of potential.  almost 20 years has passed, and i haven’t budged from where i was back then.  as far back as i can remember, even as a small child, i’ve never had dreams or ambitions.  i never thought about what i wanted to be when i grew up.  people would ask me and i’d say something like “a teacher” or something.  but i didn’t care.  that was a long time away.  as a young teen, i was a good kid.  didn’t always get the best grades, but i didn’t get in trouble or anything like that.

it was the summer when i was 17 i turned bad.  i drank and i did drugs and i had a lot of sex.  i pretty much got all of my drug use out of my system by about 19.  well, heavy drug use.  i continued to drink and and smoke pot occasionally.  i didn’t do anything at all for about two years due to the guy i was dating, who was straight edge.  after we broke up the first thing i did was get a bottle of wine.  i drank occasionally but probably binged drank when i did drink.  i guess i was about 26 when i first started drinking heavily, and more often.  it’s like one day i was somewhat of a normal drinker, the next day i became addicted and started drinking every night.  despite waking up every morning puking my guts out, i’d drink again the next night.  after a while, the morning vomiting stopped.

i feel like i’ve wasted SO many years of my life.  i haven’t made any contribution to the world.  i haven’t done anything.  i’ve sat behind a computer or phone for the past 17 years depending on other people.  i wasn’t taught motivation.  i wasn’t self motivated because didn’t know i could motivate myself.  as a child, i didn’t have dreams of growing up and having a wedding like most little girls do, i never had goals, i didn’t have dreams, i didn’t have many close friends.  i didn’t care about education, i was busier staring off into space thinking about nothing.  which i got in trouble for at school quite often.  and that’s what i still do.  i sit here and stare off into space most of the day.  i want to go back to school.  but i am so quick to tell myself every excuse.  “i’m not smart enough.”  “i can’t even do basic math, i’ll never be able to learn college algebra.”  “i can’t afford it.”  “i’m too old.”  then i can’t find anything i’m interested in.  when i DO find something i’d be interested in, it’s either too far away, or you have to be able to do college level math in order to just be accepted.  there is a tech school here, that offers basic classes if they are needed before your actual course classes, but i have no interest in any of the stuff they offer.  i do have a ged, but i’ve never been very booksmart.  i tried college twice, but never finished either course i took.  but if i’d been attentive in school, and motivated back then, just imagine where i could have went.

god, this recovery thing is SO fucking emotional.  i’ve always been one to repress my emotions.  especially when i cry. i HATE crying in front of people so it takes a LOT to make me cry around others.  now that i’m allowing myself to feel my emotions, i cry a lot when i’m alone.  i’m not used to feeling.

***

so, after making a cup of tea, i’ve composed myself.  i know i cannot sit here and dwell on the past.  but i can’t help but wonder what my life would have been like had i actually cared about school and getting an education.  what it would have been like to have dreams and goal and motivated.  i wonder if i had been, would i still have ended up with an alcohol problem for 7 years?  it’s funny, sometimes i still feel like i’m 17.  i’ll be driving through town in the middle of the day and have that “i’m skipping school” feeling for about two seconds.  i got pregnant at 17, so my life was basically put on hold for my baby.  i feel like i’m still stuck in that 17 year old mindset.  but just with a little more life wisdom.  but in fact, i’m 34.  i want to live to be at least 100, so that means i have about 66 years left to fill.  so while i am still young, i’m still getting older.  i want to figure out what my purpose is, and get started fulfilling it.  i want to do SOMETHING, i want to make a difference.  i want to feel smart.  i want to be able to have some sort of career so that i can depend on myself and help support my family.  i want all these things, when i reread this, i sound pretty selfish.  so, it looks like today is going to be one of those days.  where emotions are flooding me uncontrollably.  all i can do is sit back and ride it out.  if i resist, it’s only going to make things worse.  feelings sucks, no wonder i buried them for so long.

 

posty post

*i wrote this last night. seems im making a habit of writing posts and not actually publishing them.*

im really tired. i woke up at 2 am with heartburn again and couldn’t go back to sleep. 

im still sober, and i haven’t had a cigarette in 53 hours (edit: 63 hours at current time).  ive had a few smoke cravings, but nothing too bad, definitely not enough to make me get up off my lazy ass to go buy them.  the withdrawals are a pain in the ass and much worse than quitting alcohol. today ive been coughing gunk up and ive had a sore throat.  im stuffy too.  all of that is quite common and ive been through it before.  i know i can do it.  its just a matter of time and riding it out. 

i haven’t dreamed since ive stopped drinking.  which is HIGHLY unusual for me.  i am known for my crazy and vivid dreams.  well, right before i woke up this morning (at 2 am *grumble*), i realized i was dreaming.  like, there was nothing around me.  i was watching myself.  i knew i was dreaming. 
so..why havent i dreamed since I quit? who knows.  maybe i needed a complete void.  i needed to go into the darkest parts of my soul to heal this.  maybe this brief glimpse of myself and realizing i was dreaming represents beginning to come back from that darkness, that im starting to see things again.  the light is coming back.